what the dell my laptop just exploded

February 8th, 2010

What The Dell? My Laptop Just Exploded!

Writen by Tom Attea

Dell, which can’t seem to avoid ad slogans that substitute its name for hell, has recently found itself confronted with the apt inadvertence of its laptops bursting into flame. Facing such a deleterious constraint on the eagerness of consumers to buy the explosive creations, the company has agreed to recall 4.1 million of its incendiary notebooks.

The culprit, as you’ve no doubt read, is lithium-ion batteries, which can overheat more than defective casings can withstand.

Since no things Dell are really Dell, except the logo it sticks on its products, we find the cause of the explosive surprises being attributed to a manufacturing defect at Sony, which makes the batteries for Dell.

The embarrassing occasion for Dell proves a boon to Hewlett-Packard, which for ages has railed that Dell invents nothing while it invests enormously in research and product design.

Now, while Dell, along with other notebook wholesalers like Lenovo and, surprisingly, Apple, are expressing their worrisome wonderings about their own batteries, Hewlett has been able to come out smugly and say it has no concern at all about its own batteries, because they’re designed especially for HP notebooks.

While we do not learn who actually makes Hewlett’s, we do note that being involved in the technology of the items you’re selling certainly seems to have some advantages over simply hustling products without anymore reassurance than buying the innards from various suppliers who promise to be reliable.

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing “delightfully funny,” “witty,” with “great humor and ebullience” and “good, genuine laughs.”

hokey musings double word meanings

February 8th, 2010

Hokey Musings: Double Word Meanings

Writen by Pamela Beers

If you are looking for a sophisticated, worldly article to read, this isn’t it. If, on the other hand, you are into reading something hokey and inane, this is the article for you. You know, the kind of prose that makes you wince and groan because of all the “corn”.

Words are a lot of fun. Manipulating the English language and its various word meanings is even more fun. Let your mind roam free (a scary thought in my case) finding playful ways to craft words into amusing stories.

I am fascinated with homographs (words that are spelled the same, and pronounced the same, but have different meanings). One word that comes to mind is the word “ear”. Two examples of the word “ear” with different meanings are the “ears” of corn we eat, and the “ears” attached to our head, allowing us to hear the spoken word.

Even the word “corn” has a dual meaning. “Corn” can mean the yellow-kerneled vegetable we eat or a slang expression applied to any type of inane, silly prose such as this article.

As I get older, I’m not sure if my hearing is as acute as it used to be or if it has become more selective with time. This makes dinner conversation very interesting if not downright amusing at our house. While enjoying a plate of fresh-picked “corn”-on-the-cob this summer, my significant other and I were enjoying pleasant dinner conversation. He asked, half in jest, if he could nibble on my “ear”. I thought he was referring to the extra “ear” of “corn” on my dinner plate, so I passed him the “corn”. Corny (wince), but true.

Just be careful what you say ’cause the “corn” has “ears” (groan).

Copyright © 2005 by Pamela Beers. All rights reserved.

Pamela is a freelance writer, educator, and horse trainer who enjoys making people laugh. You can visit her website for writing tips, what’s new, and other interesting articles. http://www.pamelabeers.com

german memories in asia the german kindness

February 7th, 2010

German Memories in Asia: The German Kindness

Writen by Rajkumar Kanagasingam

I recalled memories of two months ago. At the event “Night of a Thousand Dinners” I gave a brief speech on various issues ranging from landmines to world affairs. I can’t forget those moments when the German Praktikum (Internship) students were spellbound listening to my speech. I was amazed by their eagerness to know about contemporary world issues affecting Germany and around the world.

Having delivered my speech and moving away from the table, the way the students were greeting me by tapping slowly on the table is ever memorable. The simultaneous tapping on the table was creating a new kind of melodious music. I accepted their greeting with a smile. I was really amazed by their greetings and the way they did it. After being there for few more moments, while I was leaving the dinning table, Marita was coming towards me. She greeted me in a soft manner and shook my hand saying: “thanks for your speech”.

When I saw Marita, still those memories came to mind and I was able to re-live them. Her kind remark was an added encouragement to me and was coming to mind. I remembered those moments of my speech and the excellent coordination of Marita to make the event a success.

I met Marita at the Aquarius Resort lobby to brief her on the final arrangements relating to the “Night of a Thousand Dinners” and the purpose of having it. I explained to her in detail about the event and how she will have to explain to the students before my speech. I told her that I would be there in a short while and went to my room.

When I was walking down the narrow passage towards the restaurant, I observed there were around twenty-five students at the lengthy oval-shaped dinning table. Marita was seated at one corner of the table facing the Ocean. When I reached the table, she came out and asked me whether I wished to be in her place or to be in the upper platform of the restaurant to deliver my speech. I said I would prefer her place as I would be able to see all the students from there and being close to them whereas the upper platform would have distanced me.

She agreed and sat in one of the chairs, which was vacant. She was kind enough to help me develop a rapport with the internship students within a short while.

As most of the students came from Germany recently, I was not close to them that much. The student-team with whom I went on our tsunami-relief mission to the northern region had already left the Island.

I had met Marita only once before while we were having breakfast at the restaurant and thereafter once at the discotheque. I didn’t have enough chance to become friendly with her. But her caring nature towards me by listening to my ideas and then translating them into reality instantly amazed me as to how she and the German people are so accommodative.

Rajkumar Kanagasingam is author of a fascinating book on German memories in Asia and you can explore more about the book and the author at AGSEP

samurai swords the art of iaido

February 7th, 2010

Samurai Swords - The Art of Iaido

Writen by Nick Johnson

Iaido lies at the heart of the samurai warrior. It’s the way of the samurai sword and a practice designed many years ago for samurai warriors to hone their skills. Iaido has been passed down as an art from master to student over many decades, and its practitioners use real samurai katanas which are extremely sharp. A Practitioners aim is to reduce the samurai sword movements to the most effective forms which to a samurai warrior meant the technique that took out his enemy quickest. In today’s practice there is no enemy so to show their highly honed skills they slash through tatami, representing the enemy of the past.

Iaido sprung from the increasing need to defend against surprise attacks from opposing samurai warriors. If a samurai acted slowly, this meant death, so the samurai needed to hone his skills to perfect the sensing of an attack, unsheathing his samurai sword and finishing his attacker quickly, all in one motion. Sometimes this is called the art of drawing the sword, because the techniques start and end with the sword sheathed. Simply learning to unsheathe the sword right takes months.

In western society there are many clubs available to learn and practice Iaido, be sure to check your local area and directories. Practice samurai swords are also readily available from many stores, though they can command a high price.

Article by Nick Johnson, for more information on samurai swords be sure to visit his website below http://www.japanese-samurai-swords.net

halloween takes a hit ghosts and vampires are now scientifically impossible

February 6th, 2010

Halloween Takes A Hit; Ghosts And Vampires Are Now Scientifically Impossible

Writen by Tom Attea

As if Halloween isn’t in big enough trouble because of the ability of the everyday world to spook us, two of the fright night’s favorite ways of horrifying children have now been declared scientific impossibilities.

A scientist, determined to disabuse the public of its belief in the preternatural, has proved mathematically that vampires can’t exist. Using a calculator, he determined that if a vampire sucked one person’s blood each month and, in the process, turned every victim into a vampire, who in turn began to bite other people at the same rate, after just a few years the entire human race would be vampires. To be exact, he started on January 1, 1600 with just one vampire and the current human population of 537 million. According to his calculator, by July 1602 normal folks would have vanished. Since that doesn’t appear to be the case, the existence of even one vampire has apparently had the stake put in its heart.

Speaking about vanished, the same scientist, named Costas Efthimiou, attests that ghosts are an impossibility. Why? Efthimiou (don’t you just love this guy’s fit-for-a-monster name?) has determined that ghosts actually violate Newton’s law of action and reaction. How so? If ghosts walk, their feet apply force to the floor, which means they’re made of something. But, if they can go through walls, they have to be without substance.

What? Ghosts who want entrance to your home are now reduced to showing up at your door, like ordinary trick or treaters? How frightening is that, especially since you can always duck behind the couch and pretend no one is there?

Of course, if Efthimiou is right, you’d be right. Nothing could be there. It must have been the wind.

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing “delightfully funny,” “witty,” with “good, genuine laughs” and “great humor and ebullience.”

the zapp principle

February 6th, 2010

The Zapp Principle

Writen by DC Green

My dad’s lab was a mess, but then it was always a mess. This time it was a lightly charred mess, covered with extinguisher gloop. Abdul the camel seemed happy enough though, despite his smoking bum fur.

Also surviving the fartplosion was my father’s newest invention, all glowing lights and shiny metal buttons. Dad stood before it, looking very proud.

‘This is my second most precious baby,’ he announced, as if to a great crowd. ‘It’s the world’s first inter-dimensional instant transporter. I call it a zapporter. When tapped into, the Zapp Principle requires remarkably little power to operate: just a couple of AA batteries, actually.’ My dad paused. I clapped once. ‘Ahem,’ he continued. ‘Simply by standing in front of the zapporter and pressing this lever,’ my dad reached out to a shiny silver lever, ‘which I won’t pull now, because I’m not really crazy

the trickster of folklore

February 5th, 2010

The Trickster of Folklore

Writen by Susanna Duffy

Folklore includes a traditional trickster figure, the subject of many stories in a cycle. Trickster tales are in the animal tales genre, with the trickster himself — he seems always to be male — identified with a particular animal. These include the fox in Japan, mouse deer in Southeast Asia, the coyote and the spider among the Native Americans, the tortoise and spider in West Africa, and the mantis in Southern Africa.

These tales feature a trickster-hero who may be regarded as both creator god and innocent fool, evil destroyer and childlike prankster.

Tricksters are usually small in size next to the large, strong animals that appear in the same folktales. Tricksters survive by their wits, but they do more than just survive. They constantly play tricks on the animals around them, outwitting and mistreating their powerful neighbours even when these larger animals haven’t done anything to deserve it. Occasionally he overreaches himself and finds that he’s been too clever for his own good.

It’s the Trickster who points out the flaws in our carefully managed societies. He rebels against authority, pokes fun at the overly serious, creates complex schemes and generally plays with the Laws of the Universe. He constantly questions the rules, and causes us to question these same rules. The Trickster appears when a way of thinking becomes outmoded, when old ways need to be changed.

The Trickster is a creator, a joker, a truth teller, a story teller, a transformer. We are most accessible to the gifts of the Trickster when we ourselves are at, or near, boundaries - when we are experiencing transition states. As an archetype, the Trickster, the boundary dweller, finds expression through human imagination and experience.

Trickster tales are great favourites in many cultures. They represent the underdog who uses skill and cunning to outwit a superior. West African trickster animals have a significant presence in the New World, when they travelled as part of the folklore of enslaved Africans. The rabbit is best known as Br’er Rabbit in the folktales documented by Joel Chandler Harris in the USA. We also find him in his modern avatar, Bugs Bunny !

The spider is best known as Anansi, and you find him throughout the former English and French colonies of the West Indies.

The role of the slave trickster tales was an important one giving a sense of pride and hope for the future. They showed that the weak could conquer the strong. The tales were devices that taught helplessness can triumph over virtue and mischievousness is better than malice. For the slaves, trickster folklore was also a weapon by which they were able to take subtle revenge on their masters.

Susanna Duffy is a Civil Celebrant, grief counsellor and mythologist. She creates ceremonies and Rites of Passage for individual and civic functions, and specialises in celebrations for women. http://celebrant.yarralink.com

a drunk with a small penis

February 5th, 2010

A Drunk with a Small Penis

Writen by Seb Carroll

A plumber came round to my house today. This in itself was all well and good. He was a lovely guy by the name of Dennis, clearly very experienced, and he got the job done in an unexpectedly short couple of hours. I’d been bracing myself for a hot-water-free weekend, so it was a very pleasant surprise to have the problem fixed so quickly.

In order to assist Dennis in finding the information he needed to mend my water heater, I looked up the manufacturer’s details on the Internet, with Dennis looking over my shoulder, helping. Within a few minutes, Dennis had called his boss, who called the manufacturer, who explained the solution to Dennis’s boss, who explained the solution to Dennis, who fixed the problem. Presto.

Dennis and I were quite pleased with ourselves, and congratulated each other profusely on our combined ingenuity.

After Dennis had left, I got back to my laptop to find that the two websites that I’d been editing before he arrived had been clearly on view throughout his visit. These websites were, let’s just say, ‘in the experimental stages’, and were designed to draw a large number of hits, thereby generating a bit of advertising revenue for this pauper of a writer.

One was called ‘Living Sober - Without AA’.

The other was called ‘Free Penis Enlarger’.*

I’m not embarrassed about it though. It’s a simple mistake which anybody could make.

* I feel obliged to add, for the sake of my own self-esteem, that this site was in fact devoted to images of beautiful women!

Seb Carroll

To read the unedited version of this article, please visit:

http://sebcarroll.blogspot.com/2006/02/drunk-with-small-penis.html

the jokes on you who should be the butt of your jokes

February 4th, 2010

The Joke’s On You — Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

Writen by Tom Raymond

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child’s birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn’t done by a clown, but I’ve seen clowns doing similar things. As one of his tricks, he has a child (a young girl approximately 9 years old) holding two handkerchiefs knotted together. He pulls her hands apart, and instead of a third handkerchief appearing (or a flag, or whatever else) he has a pair of ladies’ panties appear. The magician received the reaction he wanted: the audience laughed loud and long at the discomfiture of the young girl. She, however, was on the verge of tears, having been publicly humiliated, for having done nothing more than helping on stage when asked.

As I say, this prompted some thought on my part. The first thought I honestly had was about the insensitivity of this particular magician. My next thought was empathy and sympathy for the little girl. And my third thought was about how differently a clown would (or should) have handled that entire routine.

People think that a clown is someone who dresses foolishly, and does foolish things. This is correct, as far as it goes. It’s also been said that a clown is a living cartoon, a Looney Tunes come to life, who sees and thinks differently than the ‘normal’ people. This, too, is true as far as it goes. But there’s something deeper about being a clown.

As Floyd Schaffer puts it in his wonderful book, “If I Were a Clown”, a clown is someone who lowers himself, in order to lift someone else up. This is not limited to any sort of theological context. David Ginn, one of my favorite authors, and a wonderful kid’s magician, uses the same premise over and over in his book “Clown Magic” with his ‘clown-in-trouble’ routine. In short, when a trick doesn’t work, it’s never the fault of the child — it’s the clown who looks foolish. The child is the one who makes the rabbit appear, makes the ropes repair themselves, etc. We performers are the foolish ones, who should have pie in our faces, who are the ones humiliated, who are ‘brought low.’ It is our audience, children or adult, who should be empowered, triumphant, lifted up.

For example, when I perform at birthday parties, I’ll typically do a very old routine, making spring flowers appear inside a chick pan. As part of that, I’ll have several assistants from the audience at various stage, including one where I use a breakaway wand. For the uninitiated, that’s a wand that, unless it’s held the proper way, seemingly breaks in your hand. Since we performers are the ones who should bear the blame for this, I take the blame myself, handing a normal wand to the child, and holding the breaking wand myself. Who broke the prop? Me! Who looks foolish? Me, not the volunteer. He’s there to enjoy the birthday party, not to be a scapegoat.

In short, if only that magician had pulled the ‘underwear out of thin air’ when he was holding the scarfs, what would have been different? The child volunteer would have laughed as well (assuming that he’d previously had the trick work in her hands), the audience would have laughed as well, and the magician would have been remembered a little bit fonder than he was.

As Benjamin Franklin said, we have to learn from the mistakes of others; we won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves. So, let’s learn to make ourselves the butt of the joke, not our audience. After all, we’re being paid to be foolish; the audience’s job is to enjoy it. Remember, the joke’s on you — as it should be.

Tom Raymond, aka. Raynbow the magic clown, is a professional clown and underempoyed computer geek, who runs the world’s largest clowning web site, http://www.clown-ministry.com/ His personal site can be found at http://www.clown-ministry.com/raynbow/ Tom is available for both secular and sacred events, and is available for conferences, conventions and ministry events.

healthy joke

February 4th, 2010

Healthy Joke

Writen by James Good

“Always laugh when you can. It’s cheap medicine”- These words from the prolific comedy writer, Larry Gelbart, seem to describe best what most of us know from our own experiences with laughing: it not only makes us happier, it also makes us stronger and, in many cases, healthier.

When I first came up with the idea of creating a new humor web-site, my goals, I have to admit, were quite modest. I always loved dealing with funny materials, and the site gave me a chance to know some jokes that would later help me turn even the dullest social gatherings to an orchestra of roaring laughs. But it wasn’t until I started getting responses from people visiting the site that I began to realize how important even a couple of good jokes a day can be.

I became really interested in this phenomenon called humor and laughter, and began to ask myself if apart from it’s obvious social benefits, it also has a real physical influence. In recent years, brain-scientists has been exploring the positive responses of the body to funny experiences, a subject that has been mostly neglected and over-shadowed for ages by studies about depression, fear and anger. Though in it’s early stages, already some small studies imply that brain activity from humor can reduce feelings of pain, prevent negative stress reactions and boost the brain’s biological battle against infection.

There are also various groups of scientists and doctors who are working hard to push forward some non-conventional treatments that involves laughter as a form of therapy. Within the field of Psychotherapy, text and handbooks have appeared, all advocating the application of humor (One “Psychohumorist” even offers advice heavily loaded with humor on how to deal with life and work-related stress). There is an Interdisciplinary American Association for Therapeutic Humor (AATH), that promotes the healing power of laughing and humor. There are even guidelines on how to form your own local laughter clubs, which purportedly can help you achieve such idealistic goals as personal health and happiness. Around the world this kind of Laughter clubs, where people meet in circles, hold hands together and start laughing as if there is no tomorrow, are spreading quite rapidly.

Laughter becomes an important tool in keeping a healthy way of life and in treating mental and physical problems, whether big or small. While it is not always clear what is the direct influence of humor on the physical body and what is the biological response it creates, it is quite clear today that there is a beneficial effect of humor and laughter on the body, mind and spirit, and that attention only to the physical body when trying to keep a healthy being or during treatment in illness will yield only a partial or temporary recovery.

For me, the scientific researches and the testimony of both patients and caregivers, emphasizing how important a good laugh was in the therapy process, were all in harmony with the reactions I got from visitors in my site. An elderly man from Florida once wrote me that “It is with the help of laughter that I keep winning the battle against all sicknesses.”

I’m not sure if a few jokes could promise us life of eternity, but I now know that it is exactly this kind of simple stuff that helps different people from around the world enjoy life a little more. Even if humor doesn’t make us live longer, it sure does make us live better, and if it is thanks to my humor site that someone in this world could improve his life with a smile, then it sure has made my life richer and more fulfilling.

James Good works for JokesGallery.com. Jokes Gallery site contains a very large archive of free jokes and funny pictures. http://www.jokesgallery.com