Isolated Expedition

Writen by Joey Clonch

Imagine an expedition to the Antarctic in 1914. There is no GPS, no world-reaching radio, and no satellite phone. Brutal conditions, rationed food, tight living quarters. Sounds pretty bleak. Now imagine that something goes horribly wrong. As days turn into weeks the rationed food is exhausted. As weeks turn into months hope is all that is left. When hope diminishes, all that is left is the will to live.

Sir Ernest Shackleton’s 1914 voyage turned into a disaster just before he and his crew of twenty-eight could reach Antarctica. Their ship The Endurance was held up by ice for ten months and then crushed by it’s frozen, unforgiving force, and that is just the beginning of this two-years long journey. It is amazing what he and his crew endure over this time period just to survive.

This is an excerpt from a diary kept by crewman Thomas Orde-Lees that recounts a very cold and desperate time some six months after the men abandoned the crumpled, mangled wreckage of their ship on three lifeboats.

“As the water splashed into the boats it froze instantly forming thick incrustations of ice on the inside of the boat and over all the gear freezing up the sail as stiff as a piece of corrugated iron. Fortunately the water which ran into the bottom of the boat did not freeze at once so that by frequent bailing we were able to keep pace with it and prevent the accumulation of ice along the keels, where, had it once formed, it would have been next to impossible to eradicate it on account of the cargo.

Much sleet covered us, and what with this and the sea spray we were all more or less wet through and our outer clothing was frozen stiff. Our time was largely occupied in picking the ice off each other’s backs. It would be a lie to say that we were at all happy under these circumstances but now and again we made a feeble effort to assume a cheerful, hopeful air in spite of ourselves. We were being sorely tried, indeed, though.”

For more on this event and to learn about a documentary film based on this event visit: http://film-documentary.com/the-endurance.html

Joey is a writer at http://film-documentary.com

Few More of My Quotations

Writen by Kedar Joshi

Christianity would be helpless without the idea of freewill, and the idea of freewill would be helpless without incongruity.

It is human to search for the theory of everything, and it is superhuman to find it.

The Universe is empty without Truth and Truth is hollow without Reason.

The most courageous speculation is beyond knowledge, and the most profound speculation is beyond reason.

Light may be a wave as well as a particle. That is not so relevant. What really matters is that it is a form of spatial illusion to non-spatial observer/s.

Matter is non-spatial feeling/s, and Energy is the inherent capacity of the universe to make matter exist.

The worst mockery God can make of a moralist is that He compels him to be a solipsist.

A civilised mind is built up on intellectual and moral foundations, instilled with the universal doubt and inspired by pure love.

All feelings are ideas. All ideas may exist as feelings. But all ideas are not necessarily always feelings.

Peremptoriness is philosophers’ devil.

The world may be imperfect, but the universe is perfectly perfect.

Life is not designed to be moral, and it is not desirable to be immoral.

God is a relentlessly challenging, a profoundly instructive, and an intensely felonious mind.

Nothing is preternatural. It is merely our understanding that is precarious.

Every proposition is a matter of speculation.

Necessity is the ethnicity of truth.

God may be conscientious, but He is surely not sympathetic.

Reality is reason’s workshop.

It is better to be poor than to be rich with a hefty moral burden of poverty around you.

Human life ought to be a consequence of some lively superhuman non-spatial computation.

The universe is a composite of two sorts of minds: mind at rest and mind in action, where the former is Truth and the latter is Feeling.

I tend not to hate for I tend not to ignore. Rather, I strive to love for I strive to understand.

An Englishman is a person who sacrifices his Englishness for the occasion of being inside a church.

The vile saga of crime may, at a point in time, end up in the entire humanity being in prison.

God has put Man in prison for a crime never done.

Envy loves modesty; virtue merely respects it.

God is kind, but evil is intelligent.

Angel walks; Evil crawls.

In astrological terms, Americans are Aries, Spanish are Taurus, French are Gemini, Australians are Cancer, Israelis are Leo, English are Virgo, Greeks are Libra, Pakistanis are Scorpio, Italians are Sagittarius, Germans are Capricorn, Russians are Aquarius, and Indians are Pisces.

I have an amazingly romantic, and yet an intensely heartbreaking feeling that this thing called ‘consciousness’ is so profoundly peculiar that there just can be nothing else like it. I might, therefore, be the only mind in the universe, insanely pondering over things that simply do not exist.

Faith is the eighth deadly sin they forgot tell you.

The invention of the NSTP (Non - Spatial Thinking Process) theory is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Modern science began with acceptance of space; Superultramodern science began with just the opposite.

I am convinced that an electronic machine, no matter how smart and intelligent, being still a mere spatial structure in concept, can neither innovate nor even understand the axiom: ‘No spatial structure can be a representation of any feeling’. Such innovation can only be a work of a non-spatial mind, like a human being, and only such innovation, it should be acknowledged, can pave the way for further scientific achievements.

A most heartfelt is the experience of learning about a great soul striving for its goal.

Ambition tends to be ungrateful.

My greatest hope is ‘any knowledge’, and my greatest fear is ‘universal doubt’.

Time is patient for the impatient, and impatient for the patient.

All religions are equally true and equally false, for they all are multiple aspects of a more profound singular structure.

Life is so intelligent, meaningful, and, above all, a supreme design, that death would simply make it look absurd. It may thus be sensible to disavow death.

Terror has a soft voice and a harsh language.

God is an uncompromising terrorist preaching an unanswerable question.

In school, I was no good at geometry. Besides, it took me around ten more years to learn that the universe itself has no geometry.

One never gets too many things in life, for if one does, it would be too heavy for one to even proceed.

India is a land where politeness is cowardliness and a cow gains much more respect than a human.

In Cambridge, I had had a golden opportunity to confirm my age-old belief that Man is not as intelligent as He is portrayed to be.

Some men have kind heart and shrewd mind; some have shrewd heart and kind mind.

It is better to have shrewd mind than shrewd heart.

A rich person is the one who has a tendency to accuse oneself of being poor, and a poor person is the one who has a tendency to hail oneself as rich.

Man lost his innocence with a tide of information.

A human who does not mourn death of a fellow human is either cynic or solipsistic.

Man is a fanatic animal.

A negligible numerical difference between human genes makes a great philosophical difference between human beings: one is Hitler; another is Gandhi.

I would never fly with ‘French Airways’ for what’s the guarantee that the pilot doesn’t sleep while flying!

There is nothing I do not doubt.

Nothing qualifies to be beyond doubt.

The man who regrets a tragedy in drama is sentimental, and the man who doesn’t regret a tragedy even in the world is intelligent.

Wise men are faithless.

Morality is a matter of emotion, nobility is a matter of thought, and justice is a matter of action.

Truth is static, and matter is dynamic.

Trust is a virtue of the imprudent, and faith that of the insane.

Trust is misled belief, and faith is misled trust.

If I were to have any religion I would see it in ‘the universal doubt’.

Doubt is wise man’s religion.

Insanity proclaims itself to be virtuous in being faithful.

Religions, themselves, are intellectual blasphemies.

Though it was the beginning of the year 2006, I was still in 27AD.

India is a land of evolutionary immigration and America is a land of revolutionary immigration.

A prison is a model of the world.

Life may be fair, but it could certainly be fairer.

Spatial life is intricate, but trivial; Non-spatial life is simple, but profound.

Destiny is ineluctable.

Man is more intelligent than the other animals only because the concepts He is intelligent at are inherently more intelligent than the concepts the other animals are intelligent at. It may be that all animals are far more intelligent than humans. However, as they know that all of it is ultimately going to be in vain, they keep quiet, and continue doing their business.

The universe needs a metamorphosis, but, in the first place, Man needs one.

Assuming human races exist, one human race may, on average, be superior to another human race, but every person from the superior race cannot necessarily be superior to every person from the inferior race. Those who do not recognise this fact are ‘pure-racialists’, and those who do are ‘pseudo-racialists’.

To every human (in general, non-superhuman) feeling, there is a higher superhuman feeling.

Matter follows Truth.

Doubt is my religion and knowledge is my God.

Experience is dumb.

I hope that death is the end of doubt and the beginning of knowledge.

To understand Man, one has to be, at least, Man; to understand God, however, one has to be God.

Professionalism is nothing but a crude insistance on the mechanization of mankind.

Heart is love that pumps, and penis is a pump that loves.

Heart is pumping love, and penis is a loving pump.

The idea of freewill is an epiphenomenon of the spontaneous overconfidence of the thing called ’self’ which, moreover, by its inherent nature, is a wonderful delusion to itself.

Surrounding the heavenly oasis of knowledge and peace there is a huge desert of doubt and bloodshed.

God is Evil, and vice versa.

A kind heart has a liberal hand; a magnanimous heart has an extravagant one.

History is all red and green; Future is merely black and white.

Man is yet to know freedom.

Existence is mystery’s ultimate masterpiece.

Life is liveable for it is gratified, and thinkable for it is mystified.

All the world is a non-spatial computer game, and all the men and women merely spatial images.

The universe is a non-spatial matrix.

A Satirical Critique of "As You Like It"

Writen by Tushar Jain

Masked in a portrayal of Orlando T.Jain

It is easier to recognize Billy Shakespeare as a genius than a perfectionist, and still easier to recognize him as a perfectionist than a sensible man. ‘As you like it’ is a play burdened with more mental incongruities than a clothes salesman at a nudist resort. It is a violent pornography of harmless affection, of kinky pastoral rites pleasuring the aristocratic impotency with orgasmic wit and a sunny, erotic humor. Orlando, the ostensible protagonist, is a bastard of Shakespeare’s hypocrisy; the whole idea of pastoral literature was somewhat analogous to your monthly edition of Hustler but with a polite, referential index of village life. Shakespeare’s choice of a protagonist is seemingly phallic, by phallic I mean penal, by penal I mean the male reproductive organ. I allude to the fact that the choosing of a protagonist finds itself a bias more inclined to respective testosterone levels than any literary convention. It is impossible to draw a cutthroat comparison or even discover an inflexible comparative degree between Oliver, Touchstone, William, Silvius, Duke Senior, Duke Frederick, Charles, Jaques, Amiens, Adam, Dennis, Corin, and the big-shot, Orlando. It is a latent war of manhoods, and Shakespeare seems to acknowledge character according to necessary allocation and immediate proportion. Orlando either supercedes or overshadows other characters by the virtue of his genitals.

The portrayal of Arden as a place of chancy serendipity and the peremptory gender reversals insinuate of the pervert in Shakespeare. Stationing Orlando as a sexual predator blathering in hot, zesty verses for Rosalind perhaps reveal a more wanton facet of the character. By the importunate eulogizing and mushrooming of one Orlando, we witness the terminal, painful castration of other male characters. Most of Shakespeare’s plays are governed by a code of soft encryption, and when we rupture this code, the play seems fickle, inadequate and almost as irritating as a homosexual. The code in ‘As you like it’ is of idealism, i.e., to develop an ideal protagonist and rape or molest a yarn around him. So observe a few decoded techniques -

In a comic play that derives the comedy from essential pastoral life, Orlando is not a shepherd, i.e., not a source of humor. Secondly, Orlando defeats a likely undefeatable Charles with an intriguing alacrity, thus demeaning Charles and instigating a process of elevation that is cogently earmarked throughout the play. Thirdly, Adam has little to render to the play than to continually deposit Orlando as a great man in dire circumstances. Fourthly, Jaques, though poses as a bright, resplendent character, and when comes decently close to superceding Orlando as a man of a superior intellect, Shakespeare puts the scissors to his crotch and Jaques is imposed upon with a persistent eccentricity that cannot match up to the more perfect airs of Orlando. While Duke Frederick is rendered the malign sector of the play and Duke Senior is too uncomfortably idyllic, other masculine characters like Touchstone, Corin, William, Silvius, Dennis aren’t even adequately potent to match up to Orlando. So, through a covert technique, Shakespeare establishes a personality that lugs the encumbrance of a play that not only lacks action, but obediently subsumes and endorses the aristocratic interpretation of a conventional Pastoral comedy.

Shoot any related questions of course and likewise at - mosaics12@rediffmail.com

Federal Trade Commission Loses Employee Personal Information

Writen by Lance Winslow

Well now I have heard the ultimate of incompetence with the Federal Trade Commission, as yesterday they lost two lap tops filled with personal information and data of 110 employees that work there? How ironic that the agency in charge of SPAM, Phishing and Identity Theft has now jeopardized their own employees? What a pathetic group and this is our government at work? These are the people in charge of Protecting the American people from Identity Theft? Please spare me the political correctness, public relations pieces and fluffy press releases as we all know this in nothing but shear incompetence. Of course the Federal Trade Commission is still in denial over the issue as they stated; “The FTC [Federal Trade Commission] has no reason to believe the information on the laptops, as opposed to the laptops themselves, was the target of the theft.”

Dah, so what you think thieves in the Phoenix area do not know where to sell those social security numbers, driver’s license numbers and information on the black market as in like under 30 minutes? What complete incompetence and this is our government at work folks, the mighty FTC or Federal Trade Commission supposedly protecting us from what? The Boggie Man? For god’s sake they cannot even protect a couple of taxpayer paid for lap tops or their own employee’s personal information, this is truly pathetic indeed. Consider this in 2006.

Lance Winslow

Let Me Drive You Home From the Gas Station

Writen by Greg Gagliardi

People never seem to amaze me. And by that I mean that people amaze me once in a while, and the rest of the time I try to remain unimpressed — and usually succeed. Take this evening, for example: after getting gas in my car — and keep in mind that I live in NJ, where we are not allowed to pump our own because people don’t trust us enough — the station attendant asked me where I was going. Not knowing where this question was headed, since people usually ask him for directions and not the other way around, I basically pointed in some random direction…

That was my first mistake. The random directional point never works. I don’t have any information to back this up, but that is only because I refuse to ask the Internet until it gives me my Frisbee back…

So, after this random point, the attendant then asked me if I could drive his friend home. This was a tempting offer. I mean, think about it: me, some random guy, could drive home this other random guy who may or may not hijack my car at some point down the road and kill me. How could I refuse this offer? And especially for what he was offering me: “I’ll give you a soda,” he said…

I thought the soda offer was tempting because that’d be something I would enjoy while I was dead. While he was at it, he could have thrown in some other necessities for beneath the grave like caterpillars or sympathy cards. A weeping widow would have really done the trick…

Keep in mind that I don’t keep my car very clean on the inside. Of course, I do clean it out once every four months or so, but otherwise I have a lot of random items in my car, which is probably why I usually resort to the random pointing. But it is situations like these that make me want to endorse unkempt cars on television. Such a car provides the perfect excuse to never have to drive anyone anywhere…

“I would drive him, but my car is a mess,” I told the guy…

I tried my hardest to give him a facial expression which indicated a combination of disappointment and concern. If awards were given out for making fake facial expressions at gas stations (I will have to check), surely I would have received a nomination…

“What if you move all of your stuff into the back seat?” he asked me. Or at least it sounded like that, but I wasn’t completely paying attention, being I was sidetracked by that soda offer and all. Did he not notice my facial expression? What did he want from me –tears? Who did he think I was — Walker, Texas Ranger?

I then told him that I couldn’t move my stuff back there because it would break. Luckily he didn’t question how poster board, an old McDonald’s bag and a bunch of pencils would suffer those consequences if moved, because then I’d have to resort to the random pointing again — and then throw something at his face once he looked in that direction…

So indeed, people never seem to amaze me. And that’s good, because I love the feeling that at any time and any place, someone I don’t know will ask me for a ride. And only in NJ can I say “no” because the opposite is never expected of me…

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

Hollywood Ho-Hum

Writen by Diana Estill

Television programming this season has left me yawning. For astonishing footwork and plenty of leg exposure, ABC delivers Dancing with the Stars. And if that doesn’t suit your Samba, there’s always Skating with Celebrities.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not all that enamored with superstars. And even if I were, I don’t think I’d find anything astonishing about a bunch of actors learning how to dance and skate. Frequently, these folks have to acquire new skills for their character roles. So they’re just doing what they’ve always been paid to do. And we’re setting there oo-oo-ing and ah-ah-ing (except for that guffaw you can’t help when they fall down and go boo-boo) like that’s something special.

To me, it’d be more entertaining to watch programs like Toilet Scrubbing with Top Models. Or maybe Laundry with the Soap Stars. How about Mopping Floors with the Rich & Famous? Better still, I’d love to see Cooking with Desperate Housewives–especially if Terri Hatcher were forced to eat every morsel of an 8-ounce steak, a cup of creamed potatoes with gravy, and a big ol’ slice of banana cream thigh, I mean pie.

Oh, sure. I know what you’re thinking–that I’m envious of all those pretty faces and hot bodies. Well, let me tell you, those guys and gals don’t look that way without a whole lot of help. This was confirmed recently by a Hollywood makeup artist I hired to perform a miracle. (I’d asked her to make me look fantastic for a photo shoot.)

“Honey, those gals don’t really look like that,” she said. “They’ve all been cut on a thousand times.” She waived her eye shadow brush in the air. “Then I get a hold of ‘em . . . and then their photos get touched up after that.” She reached into her treasure trove of cosmetics and dabbed at my ruddy complexion. Then she gave me a quizzical look. Probably she was confused over finding wrinkles and pimples–on the same face.

She plucked a lone, dark hair from my chin before I could utter, “I didn’t even know that was there!”

Next, she attacked my eyebrows without first asking if this was okay. And then with the kick of her foot, she switched on some kind of compressor. I figured I was about to be sheared like a sheep. But she said she was only going to spray on my foundation. “You get a more finished look this way,” she explained.

After I’d been airbrushed, plucked and penciled to perfection, the makeup lady inserted false hair sprigs between my real lashes. By the time I was on the business end of a camera lens, I must confess I was feeling unnatural yet glamorous. Yet, despite all this effort, I didn’t look like a movie star.

Hollywood standards aren’t achievable through normal means. A good makeup artist and photographer can, however, work wonders. In reality, I don’t look anything like my new photo. Come to think of it, that picture might lead to a TV series for next season–Extreme Writer Makeovers.

Copyright 2006 Diana Estill

Diana Estill writes a weekly humor column for The Murphy Messenger newspaper. She is the author of the soon to be released book “Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views on Love, Lust, and Lawn Care” (Brown Books Publishing Group). To see more of her work, visit http://www.DianaEstill.com.

Don’t Tell Me About The Person Who Wears Many Hats

Writen by Fred Belinsky

For obvious reasons (to those of you who are regular readers of the HAT BLOG), I subscribe to the Google News Alert Service where all articles with the word “hat” or “hats” in newspaper and magazine titles are regularly assembled by Google and forwarded to my email. But instead of the staying abreast of the latest and greatest hat news, what I’ve learned is that every Tom, Dick and Harry journalist (and every Tina, Donna, and Henrietta journalist for that matter) title their articles with the same hackneyed clich

Cosmic Cow

Writen by Veno Trivedi

The cow is a mother to mankind whom we should love,respect and protect. Her milk is the life blood for many species, including humans. Her dung provides fuel and bricks for millions of rural families across Asia . Her urine is medicine for the sick. When she dies her skin provides us warmth and protection through clothing.

In Astrology, the cow or bull is the symbol of the sign Taurus, a sign representing earth, nature and all its bounties. In Vedic Astrology, the cow’s many wonderful qualities are emphasized through the various nakshatras. She is one of the universal mothers represented by the constellation Krittika. Her unlimited resourcefulness is associated with the constellation Rohini, whose symbol, ‘an oxen cart pulling a fresh harvest’ highlights the fertility aspect of both the earth and the cow. ‘Bhooma Devi’ or ‘Mother Earth’ is symbolised as a cow in the Vedic tradition, as just like the earth, the cow is an endless giver of resources and nourishment.

The cow’s nourishing aspect is associated with the constellation Pushya, which has a cow’s ‘milk giving udder’ as its main symbol and is a constellation related to motherhood and dependability. The cow’s patient and gentle nature is associated with the constellation Uttara bhadrapada,which has cow as its sexual animal.

In the Vedic pantheon of gods, the bull or cow is the vehicle of Lord Siva, and a symbol of strength and endurance. Vishnu’s avatar form of Krishna, took the incarnation of a cowherd who enchanted cows and other living beings with his flute playing. His association with cows highlighted the importance of protecting and respecting the earth and its creatures. In the Vedas, one can find the story of the divine cow Kamadhenu, “the wish fulfilling cow” who is the dear treasure of the seven celestial sages. She emerged from the churning of the celestial ocean, along with many other treasures including the divine nectar of immortality, amrita “. As she is greatly desired for her endless gifts and bounty she remains under the care and protection of the sages. In all ancient cultures cows have played an important role in helping man understand his duty and relationship to the natural environment.

It is a great tragedy that in today’s world, cows and other highly sentient beings, are the undeserving victim of barbarous tortures and all manner of atrocities in the name of satisfying man’s palate and greedy nature. It is a reflection of the current world cycle Kali Yuga (an age where ignorance and darkness reign), that the most gentlest and innocent of creatures are put through the worst treatment imagineable in the most mindless manner. This sort of ignorance breeds more ignorance and creates much negative karma for the individual and collective.

The darker forces controlling the planet have deliberately conditioned humans into believing that meat is an essential part of dietary survival, and by over breeding cows in large numbers, have succeeded in destroying much of the earth’s fertile land in order to feed these genetically & hormonally tampered creatures; land which could otherwise be used to grow crops that increase the world’s food supply a thousand fold.

There is no good reason why humans should eat meat. The physical constitution of humans is much more similar to herbivore mammals than carnivores. Eating meat produces a whole range of detrimental effects. At the most basic level it harms our physical health, but much more complex and subtle damage happens on the mental, emotional and spiritual planes. There is enough information and proof on the subject, if one takes the time to look.

With today’s high tech global transatlantic communications, vegetarian food sources of every type are available to anyone just about anywhere on the planet. There is enough agricultural knowledge and technology to grow crops in areas that suffer from extreme climates or other hazardous conditions.

Humans have ability to access a basic level of compassion inside themselves, which they clearly express in regard to their household pets, but not to cows, pigs, sheep, chicken etc. who are equally sensitive and feel the same levels of pain and fear as the domestic dog or cat.

No great feats of heroism or sacrifice are required to contribute to the enlightenment of the planet. Just by making simple changes in our every day living routine like discriminating what / what not to eat, can have significant and far reaching impact on the future destiny and wellbeing of all.

Oja Spirit is based in Britain and aims to enhance greater public awareness of Jyotish. It is owned & managed by Veno. Veno also runs OSFA LTD (Orion School & Foundation for Astrology with Prash Trivedi, the world’s leading expert on Jyotish and Vedic science.

Veno’s education in Jyotish began in 1992. She has learnt Jyotish from many sources but her most valued education has been her last five years of intensive study under Prash Trivedi. She has been a practising Jyotishi (astrologer) since 1994.

She co-published her first book “Sun, The Cosmic Powerhousein 2003 with Sagar Publications, India and has illustrated a pioneering work about nakshatras by Prash titled “The 27 Celestial Portals” due for release early 2005.

Veno has appeared on BBC radio and London Television with Prash to highlight the importance of introducing Jyotish to the west.

Standup Comedians Its Not Just Jokes

Writen by David Fishman

Some people might say you are witty. When making a joke your friends seem to laugh. It seems it is something you take pleasure in doing and when people chuckle sometimes it is the ultimate prize. You believe you value comedy, and you should go to the next stage by becoming a professional comedian.

But, being a stand-up comic and comedian is a lot dissimilar than retelling a common joke and waiting for your friends to giggle. With comedy, you should be cognizant about the meeting, become knowledgeable about the stage, and write jokes that express a universal charm.

While being a comedian can be tough, on the contrary sometimes it is also worthwile. Here is some recommendations on what you should know to turn into a comedian.

Build up your personality. Think about all the popular comedians out there. Each lucrative comedian has something really critical about them. Chris Rock. Dave Chapelle. Adam Sandler. Dennis Miller. After a while you hear the names and, you can mindlessly imagine what they are, what they say, and exactly how and why you giggle.

Sometimes it is exaclty what you need to do. As a trainee, it might be a while before you find your personality. Test it in front of the public. Ask for reviews wherever possible. Refine and tweak your stage presence until you’re content with the product.

There are quite a lot of diverse kinds of comedy. Knowing what they are should help you train fittingly. Do you prefer improv comedy, standup, or would you rather emotionalize in a comedy movie or a sitcom? Here are plenty of other options, too. Once you understand what style of comedy you would like to do, you can set objectives and amplify a plan that should help you achieve them.

Attend comedy classes. You will figure out and learn, standup or any extra forms of comedy don’t come as expected. Sure, you can express the physical gift, skill of timing, etc. But, you also need help realizing the dissimilar styles of comedy and how to perfect and draw on them to your advantage.

When you go and take a comedy session, you can improve yourself and get some help from a master comedian. After learning everything the educational and the learning curve has been reduced, you will need to work together with fellow comedians and get reactions.

Put in writing and prepare your act in front of family. Attend standup amateur nights. Essentially, get as much familiarity as possible so youcan get comfortable in front of people. Practice in front of the mirror. By timing your act you can gage the amount of time you will need. Modify and correct your jokes until you get the entire act perfected. Once you complete all of this, you are content to start working in a club for payment.

Enter competitions. Entering competitions is a fantastic way of getting familiarity and to practice your routines in front of audience. When it hits it doesn’t matter if you fancy standup or improv or something other, there are comedy competitions for it. You can join amateur internet talent shows. Yes alot of these may also enforce a prize. The benefit to this, is that agents may be lurking in the public looking to spot new talent.

Boogers

Writen by Becky Simpson

The Booger cheer: Pick it! Lick it! Roll it! Flick it!

In an effort to explain my fascination with this “boogery subject” I will recount a story to you. There was a little girl who loved to read and she found, in a book of poetry, a children’s booger poem. It was about a snaggled toothed snail that lives in everyone’s nose. Now this snail, if you are careless enough to stick your finger too far up inside your nose, will bite the end of your finger off. I, of course, am that little girl, and you would have paid good money the first time I met a man with his finger amputated. I could not take my eyes off him. I asked to feel his finger, and finally, unable to contain myself, I asked innocently, “Did it hurt when the snail bit you?” The man had no idea what I was talking about. My dad had to explain to the man, and as I grew up, an idea began to form.

Years ago, just after getting out of college, I worked at a children’s home for a while. It was very satisfying work because it was helping abused, unloved, unhappy, and confused kids regain a perspective on life. I loved each one of them. I did notice one thing though. All kids love to talk about boogers. Boys especially love them, and they have a great time chasing girls around with them. It is ironic that later in life, the girls chase the boys, trying to catch them to wipe their noses. I was soon using the idea I had begun to form to entertain these children. Each afternoon, I would sit and make up a tale about each type of booger, giving them adventures from which the boogers would barely escape with their color. Eventually it became necessary to introduce the newer children to the world of boogers. This is the result:

Did you know there are seven distinct families or types of boogers? Oh, yes, let me introduce them to you. They are red, flakey, hard, green, gummy, sticky, and yellow. Okay, so now you know the seven types, and, no, I did not adapt this from the seven dwarves. There is no princess in this story and no hankies. If you don’t have a hanky, let me give you a suggestion, go get one. Boogers are an empathetic lot, and if you talk about one of them you talk about all of them. So if you notice your nose running as you read this, BE PREPARED.

Each type of booger has distinct characteristics. I feel it is important for you to know them so you may properly identify what you have captured from your nose. Let’s start with red ones. Red boogers are usually caused when someone has become over anxious and shoved his finger far enough up his nose to make contact with his brain. The result is a certain amount of blood mixes with the forming boogers. Hence we end up with some very dark red boogers. These booger babies can be dangerous. First: because trying to remove them may cause further damage to the wound you created as you pushed ever deeper, and second, the fact that giving birth to anything can be painful. Red boogers are usually short-lived and cause very little problem. It should also be noted that unless due care is taken, repeated insertions of the fingers may result in severe pain and possibly brain damage.

One thing concerning boogers I have forgotten to explain to you: each family of booger has several relatives; these are boogers that share characteristics. This is most noticeable with the hard ones which when examined closely reveal a kinship with our next subject. So let’s move on to the flakey boogers, which are related to two of the major groups but would perhaps earn a spot of their own if they were more common. These multicolored jewels are usually formed around the exterior of the nose and are as flakey as the finest pastries (no snacking between meals please). If they reside just inside the nose (and are male, as most boogers seem to be), they will actually be hard but sticky and as such become quite hairy, for as the owner tries to remove them, he inevitably removes hairs and all. (Ouch!!!)

I would like to skip to the true “hard” kind next. The real hardcore hard-nosed booger is very tough to deal with. Nasty little things, indeed, they bury themselves deep within your nose and force you to dig them out. Hard as diamonds, they will bring tears to your eyes as you try to catch them, and they try to escape your search going ever deeper. Hard boogers are the inspiration of many a young lad. I have even heard that some children are so enamored of what they call “Snot Rocks,” that they made up songs for them. The song was passed down for safe keeping and faithfully reproduced in part here. It goes something like this: “I look up your nose and what do I see? Snot rocks! Tiny faces looking back at me.” Some even swear they hear tiny voices singing along. It is sad that these real hard cased boogers hurt so very badly. If you have them frequently, maybe you really ought to try blowing your nose more often.

Okay, now easing off just a little, let’s discuss the simple green booger. This is by far the most common of the seven types. Grown in the nose of every child, it is harvested more in a single day than any other commodity known to man. These little packets of joy are the ones kids seem to love to use to chase you. There is nothing remarkable about them, yet they cause more squeals than all the scary movies made. You just have to love anything that is so unassuming and yet so powerful. Green boogers can take on some characteristics of all the other types. The one telltale identifier is that they are green and usually have short careers because moms everywhere are alerted to them.

Gummy boogers are basically colorless until they pick up the color of dirt or some other equally disgusting hint of a hue. These little blobs can be so much fun, rolled into little balls and held between finger and thumb you would almost swear they had opened their little eyes and winked at you. You find them where you least expect and wish you hadn’t. Some adventuresome young man uses one to stick his paper to the wall. You may see another absentmindedly using one for a football, and as it sails across the room, you can almost hear a small yell of glee as it sticks in some poor girl’s hair. They appear to be the most fun loving of the whole lot. Sometimes I think no day would be complete without them. In truth, gummy boogers are used more every day than tooth paste. They also encourage collecting. I know one young man who has a jar full and has named each and every one of his little friends.

A related younger brother of the gummy booger is the sticky booger; these have not completely matured and are drawn out of the nose in a long string…if you have ever had to remove one then you know that odd feeling in your stomach that feels like it has just been turned upside down and the contents have become totally confused. (Yeech.) I know of no common use for these because they are so hard to get rid of. Once you have them trapped, they attach themselves to your finger, hankie, or paper towel and refuse to budge, not that anybody really wants to budge them. If left to themselves, they will dry to resemble the flakey booger. Mostly colorless and totally disgusting, this is my least liked booger.

Ah, almost done, does that nose feel nice and clean now? Well, we have one more type to deal with, then we can all go blow our noses. The yellow booger is slimy and ugly. They seem to inspire instant dislike. No, they are not related to any particular ethnic group. They are yellow usually because they are afraid. Yes, cowards, not to hurt their feelings, but they are messengers and as such should be brave hearted and know that occasionally they will have to sacrifice their lives to the betterment of man. These guys don’t show up unless you have some serious infection, and they, being the way they are, will try to hide it as long as possible. If you see them, quickly make your way to see the doctor and do not leave till he tells you that you will live. Remember with these fellows, it is best to not start a trading club, keep your own, no sharing.

OKAY! You say, “What is the purpose of this little story?” Simple, it is gross, and it is nasty, and it can be funny, and if you talk to kids about it, you will have a quiet audience for the length of the story. That is between the bursts of laughter. It helps if you stop occasionally and find one of the kids absentmindedly picking his nose while you tell the story and shout “Careful, Billy! If you chase that one too far, the snail will get your finger!” It is total nonsense, and the kids will love it. Good luck, and we will send free illustrations if you wish.

If you smiled, I accomplished my goal; if not, then the only thing I have lost is feeling the warmth of your smile.

Becky Simpson is an electrical engineer and took up writing as a hobby two years ago. Since then she has experimented with numerous styles and types of writing. She is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ ,which is a site for Writers, and her portfolio is http://www.Writing.Com/authors/Becky_Hayes. Her book of poetry, Walking the Earth, can be found through Barnes and Noble or Amazon.com.