Everybody Change Jobs

Writen by John Sammon

We need more diversity.

More!

I was watching the television news and the newscaster’s name was Muk Luck Yoing Yang Bieu. I think he is a first generation son of a Pakistani guy.

That’s fine. We need more different kinds of ethnic people in responsible positions to reflect the ever changing polyglot nature of America… the so-called melting pot.

But we can do better.

I have a suggestion.

For a period of one year, we change jobs. Everybody change jobs.

All black athletes leave their jobs as athletes. And become lawyers. All the white guys who are now lawyers, become athletes.

I know I could get in real trouble for suggesting this, if I had a boss over me on this column. Jimmy the Greek was fired by the TV network years ago for not being politically correct, because he said (over the air) that black athletes were better than white. Even though that’s true, he was fired.

But I don’t have a boss. Naaa-naa-naaah-naaaa-naaa-naaaaaaaa!

Black Americans are over-represented in sports, and under represented in the courtroom as (barristers) lawyers. Think of it, steroid built huge black men jammed into suits and ties, arguing unpersuasively for their clients (it takes time for anybody to learn, including me).

Meanwhile, small sized white guys, former lawyers, would be stumbling across a football field, fumbling, missing field goals, tripping each other, falling down for no reason. What fun! It would open the game wide up, make it more exciting.

The kind of sport where anything can happen.

Okay. If the game was really really bad, we could give the ex-lawyers steroids. Just contact the commissioner of baseball for a supply, or call 1-800-Barry Bonds.

Why am I suggesting this you might ask? Isn’t this a crazy scheme, you might think? Try to understand. When a person stretches his horizon by stepping outside his comfort zone, he grows in stature.

We mandate many other kinds of behavior. Why not this?

There could be huge potential benefits. For example, almost all social work today is done by women. All women currently in social work, would leave those positions, and turn them over exclusively to selfish, egotistical young blonde guys named “Lance.”

When you came in to apply for government-provided benefits, that sonofabitch Lance would piss you off so much, be such an arrogant bastard, you’d storm out of the office. You’d be determined to make it on your own, and prove him wrong, rub his nose in it.

We could cut the cost of government benefits in half.

Here’s another possibility. All congressmen and women would leave their posts, and the positions would be filled by honest people.if they can be found.

All corporate executives would give their jobs up to Latino farm laborers, and take up those jobs picking in the fields. This would teach them (executives) what actual hard work is like. Executive

All East Indians would abandon their positions as hotel and motel owners. This is strictly a personal request. I’d just like once to walk into a hotel lobby and not see chutney cooking on a hot plate..a small, demure woman in a robe with a ruby between her eyes behind the counter.

I love East Indians, and chutney, and Bombay. Does that make me a racist?

I want to see people open up to new possibilities, that’s all.

I’ll tell you what. If the others give up their jobs, I’ll give up this column, and take up farming.

But I’ll warn ya.’ You’ll have less vegetables available in the store.

© Copyright 2006 by SammonSays.com

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at http://www.Sammonsays.com

Part One: Miami Public Housing– Country Club for the Homeless

Writen by D.C. Copeland

“I know it looks bad but I can explain everything.”

Oscar Rivero, the poster boy for Miami’s public housing rip-off, the man who promised to build affordable housing and collected over $3 million in advance from his cronies at the public housing authority with nothing to show for it except the mansion he is currently building outside of Coral Gables, may have been thinking this when he opened today’s Miami Herald. The story, led by future Pulitzer Prize winner Debbie Cenziper (you read it here first), features a front page photo by Miami Herald photographer Tim Chapman. It shows Rivero’s 11,000-square-foot palatial estate under construction. It has five bedrooms, nine baths, eight walk-in-closets, a four-car garage, a wine cellar, library, billiard room, elevator, pool, spa, fountain– “plus a grand foyer, three stories high, fixed with Mediterranean columns and a spiral staircase.”

MVB believes everyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. With that in mind, we decided to call Mr. Rivero to get his side of the story. The following interview may sound like something the MiamiVision Comic might use in one of his stand-up routines and he probably will once he is released from Mercy Hospital (see blog entry “Attack on the MiamiVision Comic”) but for those who live in Miami, what may appear highly unbelieveable, is quite the norm in the city’s everyday “Surreal Life.”

MVB: Mr. Rivero?

Rivero (R): Si.

MVB: This is MiamiVision Blogarama.

R: Que?

MVB: “The Rodney Dangerfield of Blogs.”

R: Never heard of it.

MVB: Of course. Would you care to comment about today’s Miami Herald story?

MVB: I know it looks bad, but I can explain everything. That mansion you see on the front page, it’s going to be a country club for the homeless.

MVB: “Country Club for the Homeless”?

R: Si. Do you really think I would build something that big just for my wife and me?

MVB: Well, we want to be objective here, but there is so much evidence against you–

R: Evidence– schmevidence! That house was built with the poor in mind and to suggest otherwise would be politically incorrect.

MVB: “Politically incorrect”?

R: Si. Just because you’re poor and living on the streets, does that mean you can’t have a place to crash for a little R&R?

MVB: Of course not, Mr. Rivero, but some might suggest that the poor are on the streets in the first place because you never built one building for them in four years.

R: What do you call my “Country Club for the Homeless”?

MVB: A nice try.

The interview was cut short when Mr. Rivero hung up. Despite numerous attempts to call him back, we were unsuccessful in reaching him before this posting.

Berenguer Sauniere - "This Place is Terrible"

Writen by Robert Baird

INSPIRATIONAL COMMENTS:

“Let me issue and control a nation’s money and I care not who writes the laws.” - Mayer Amschel Rothschild.

Bucky Fuller said these most important words in 1981:

‘The U.S.A. is not run by its would-be ‘democratic’ government. All the latter can do is try to adjust to the initiatives already taken by [the] great corporations. Nothing can be more pathetic than the role that has been played by the President of the United States, whose power is approximately zero. Nevertheless, the news media and most over-thirty-years-of-age U.S.A. citizens carry on as if the president had supreme power.’

“The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” - Albert Einstein

“The Lord Buddha has said that we must not believe in a thing said merely because it is said; nor traditions because they have been handed down from antiquity; nor rumors, as such; nor writings by sages, because sages wrote them; nor fancies that we may suspect to have been inspired in us by a Deva (that is, in presumed spiritual inspiration); nor from inferences drawn from some haphazard assumption we may have made; nor because of what seems an analogical necessity; nor on the mere authority of our teachers or masters. But we are to believe when the writing, doctrine, or saying is corroborated by our own reason and consciousness. ‘For this,’ says he in concluding, ‘I taught you not to believe merely because you have heard, but when you believed of your consciousness, then to act accordingly and abundantly.’” - Secret Doctrine, Vol. III, page 401. [vii]

“We have it in our power to begin the world over again.” — Paine, Common Sense, 1776.

INTRODUCTION:

Is there a more mysterious man in recent history than the priest who built Tour Magdala and spent enough money to terraform sixty planets? The fabulously best-selling book called The Da Vinci Code is just the tip of the iceberg. The real issues will be addressed in this book but do not expect to learn all there is about all that must be contemplated if we are to have any idea why Sauni

Your Say Humor and I Say Gumour

Writen by David Stockdale

We are all affected by humour. The Webster’s Dictionary definition of humour is “a normal functioning bodily semi fluid or fluid (as the blood or nymph).” I have no clue what this means, but to me humour is something funny. I kind of liked the part about the nymph, but the rest of that definition is lost on me.

The first recorded occurrence of humour was found on the cave walls of Lascaux. Sometime in 1957, Archaeologists unearthed a carving, primitive in construction, of a black guy, a Jewish guy, and a Polish guy walking into a bar. The punch line is no longer decipherable, but cultural anthropologists have speculated that, since these carvings were made in France, it is likely that the three bar patrons were refused service by obnoxious waiters. This illustrates the fact that different cultures have different conceptions of what is funny.

For example, there is a type of humour which is often referred to as “British,” this is most likely because it comes primarily from Great “Britain.” British humour usually falls into two categories: funny and weird, or stupid and weird. Both types more often than not involve men dressing as women, a device which, like the metric system, has been imported into American comedy with varying degrees of success. It never ceases to amaze me that this is considered to be the pinnacle of humour.

An analysis of British comedy provokes some key questions: How does British humour fit into the larger cultural framework? If there is a God, and he is merciful, then why does ‘Benny Hill’ exist? Is it possible to enjoy a Monty Python film if you watch it with someone who insists on saying every line along with the actors? Do all those people who refer to Shakespeare’s ‘comedies’ truly think that his stuff is funny, or are they just embarrassed because they don’t get it either?

It is true that humour can vary according to culture, but there are some things that everyone can agree on. For example, everyone knows that there are some things which just are not funny: AIDS, the Holocaust, and any film staring Chevy Chase. Beyond this common ground there is much disagreement as to what is funny. I have witnessed, first hand, many otherwise sane people who find Jim Carrey to be intensely humorous. While I am willing to allow that a man who makes funny faces at the camera is amusing to small children and the intellectually challenged, I have serious doubts about a society that sanctions his being paid $7 million to film two hours of fart jokes.

Ultimately, humour, much like intelligence, is about associations. If you combine two elements that people wouldn’t normally associate, like chocolate and peanut butter, or Tony Blair and ethics, then you’ve said something humorous. “Cows and scientology.” That’s funny. Don’t ask why, but it is. So learn to appreciate the humour that surrounds you, because laughter, like radiation, brightens our lives. And laughter lasts much longer.

David Stockdale is a man without an agenda. He uses his writing as a tool to express ‘his’ opinion in a world all too often concerned only by the voice of the majority.

The United Nations and Their Inherent Limits to Keep Peace

Writen by Lance Winslow

Since the United Nations is mostly a political organization where world leaders come together and discuss their differences and make friends, it appears there is a problem with corruption. The human species is inherently corrupt and so often those who rise to the top of their political societies are the most corrupt in their group and this poses a problem, especially when the most corrupt humans on the entire planet all come together in collusion.

Additionally the United Nations has inherent limits on keeping peace and as we have seen they definitely have limits on their ability to maintain integrity on the war on international terrorism. The system is viable, however it has evolved into organization, which is quite ineffective in fighting the war on terror. If the United Nations and their Security Council cannot come together in consensus to reprimand, sanction or use force to stop nation states, which sponsor international terrorism, then it has shunned its responsibilities to mankind.

This of course is unacceptable because nation states that sponsor international terrorism are able to get hold of the advanced weapons and nuclear bombs, which could potentially kill millions of people in one international terrorist act. Failure of the Security Council of the United Nations to do the right thing now in the present period will have implications for many future generations.

If the United Nations Security Council cannot come together in this common cause to fight the war on terrorism and if they continue to fail in their responsibilities to protect innocent human life then the obvious question comes; What good are vague anyway? Consider this in 2006.

Lance Winslow

I Love You, You Love Me

Writen by Tim Knox

Why is it that every time I go to the grocery store I get in line behind this rather large woman with four small kids and two buggies of groceries and a clenched fistful of coupons? And why is it that half of the things she’s buying require a price check? This happens to me all the time and I swear it’s always the same woman. I just thank God that the grocery store had the foresight to put all the tabloids there for me to read while I’m waiting. I guess I should thank that woman, too. If it wasn’t for her I’d have no idea what was happening in the world.

Take the other day, for example. There I was, standing in line like always, waiting for the bag boy to get a price on the woman’s six pack of SlimFast. I scanned the tabloid headlines before me, looking for something interesting to read. The one about Elvis showing up at a Detroit McDonald’s demanding to know why in hell they did away with the Arch Deluxe did not peak my interest in the least. The story about Pamela Anderson Lee’s left breast melting in the hot sun during the shooting of a Baywatch episode just made me yawn. And the story about Ellen DeGeneres dating RuPaul just made me nauseous. Why can’t these people just make up their minds?

Then, the headline across the front of the National Excretioner caught my eye: FEATHERS FLY AS COSTUMED CELEBS GO TO WAR! THE DIRTY DETAILS INSIDE!

As luck would have it, the rather large woman finished checking out and I had to move along before getting to read the story for free. Generally, I have a rule about wasting my hard-earned dollar on trash, but this was trash I had to have. I had to read the dirty details!

What was the Excretioner headline talking about? Why, the feud between Barney the Dinosaur (hereafter referred to as “plaintiff”) and The Famous San Diego Chicken (hereafter referred to as “defendant”) of course. These two high energy, high profile celebs are going at each other like constipated pitbulls on crack, slinging mud and styrofoam, calling names, making threats. This is the kind of story tabloid editors live for. This is a movie of the week in the making. This is a Court TV special with a gallery filled with Muppets!

According to the Excretioner, lawyers for Barney (a dinosaur so popular he needs only one name) have filed a copyright and trademark infringement suit against The Famous Chicken for “ridiculing and assaulting a Barney-like character during performances at sporting events across the country.”

“In his act, The Chicken punches, flips, stands on and otherwise assaults a putative Barney,” an attorney representing Barney reportedly said. “That’s just not nice.” The suit further claims that The Chicken’s antics have caused irreparable damage to Barney’s wholesome image, effectively making him the Marv Albert of the Jurassic set.

“Barney worries that his younger fans will be unable to distinguish between the fake Barney that The Chicken assaults during his act and the real thing,” the attorney went on to say. “This could be emotionally devastating to them.”

The real thing? Emotionally devastating? I just hope the little rugrats never find out Barney is really just some sweaty guy in a big, purple suit. It could mean years of therapy!

Ken Fitzgerald, legal counsel for The Famous Chicken, said his client’s act is just a parody and the Great Purple One doesn’t have a prehistoric leg to stand on. “This is clearly a case of costume envy. I’ve got two words for Barney: fossil fuel.”

When asked to comment, the eternally jovial Barney just giggled and waved an underdeveloped arm through the air. “This is just a little misunderstanding between friends. I love The Chicken. In fact, if he were here right now, I’d give him a great, big hug and say, I love you!”

In a related case, Don Knotts, the actor who played Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show, is contemplating legal action of his own. “I am the original Barney,” Knotts has told reporters. “If one more kid asks me to sing that stupid ‘I Love You’ song I’m gonna scream!”

I’ll keep you posted as things develop in the case. In the meantime, if you happen to be at the grocery store and you see a rather large woman with four small kids and two buggies of groceries and a clenched fistful of coupons, you tell her Tim Knox says hi.

History of the Royal Barges - a Timeless Tradition

Writen by Eric Lim

The history of the royal barges dates back to the Sukhothai era in the 13th century when the first royal barges were reportedly seen. The barges were originally troop carriers at a time when it was more expedient to transport troops into battle along rivers.

As life in Thailand then was so intimately linked to the river, these barges were also used for religious and ceremonial purposes.

During the Ayutthaya era between the 14th - 18th centuries, the Royal Barge Ceremonies flourished, particularly during the reigns of King Naresuan and King Narai.

King Naresuan (1590 - 1605 AD) named his personal barge Suphannahongsa and so started the first generation of this famous royal barge. Since then this has been the name of the King’s personal barge. Two more versions have been built since.

In the reign of King Narai, the Royal Barge Processions became more elaborate and one such procession had more than 100 vessels.

Unfortunately all this came to an abrupt end in 1767 when the Burmese sacked Ayutthaya and destroyed all the barges. It was a sad period in the history of the royal barges.

The Thonburi era (1767 - 1782) under King Taksin saw a reemergence of royal barge activity. During his reign the Emerald Buddha was brought from Vientiane to Ayutthaya. A hundred and fifteen barges went to Ayutthaya to receive this holy statue and bring it back to Bangkok. Another 131 vessels went up river to welcome the Emerald Buddha.

The Bangkok era, which commenced in 1782, saw a new dawn in the history of the royal barges. King Rama I revived the tradition of the royal barges. Sixty were built and modeled on designs in the early Bangkok era. A new Suphannahongsa was built to serve as the King’s personal barge.

Royal barge construction continued under the reign of the Chari kings. King Rama IV ordered the construction of the Anantanakkharat with the seven-headed serpent Naga on the bow.

During the reign of King Rama V, a new Suphannahongsa was built. It was completed during the reign of King Rama VI in 1911. This version of Suphannahongsa is being used to this day as the King’s personal barge.

The coup in 1932, when Thailand changed from an absolute monarchy to a constitutional monarchy, brought about another abrupt halt to royal barge activity. Subsequent governments ceased the Royal Barge Ceremonies for the next 25 years.

The royal barges suffered a further setback when they were damaged by Japanese bombs during World War II. Damaged sections of these barges are still preserved at the Royal Barge Museum.

In 1957 the history of the royal barges took a turn for the better when King Rama IX had the barges restored to their former glory.

On 19 May 1957, the first Royal Barge Procession in 25 years sailed down the Chao Phraya River to commemorate the 25th century of the Buddhist Era. Since then, the tradition and grandeur of the royal barges have continued to this day.

The history of the royal barges reflects an enduring tradition that flows on timelessly like the Chao Phraya River.

For details on the royal barges, please see Types of Royal Barges.

This article by Eric Lim first appeared in Tour Bangkok Legacies, a historical travel site on people, places and events that shaped the landscape of Bangkok. Lim, a free-lance writer, lives in Bangkok, Thailand.

Truth or Lie

Writen by Lenore Chapman

Do you know someone that loves to tell stories whether it is the truth or not. Or someone who would rather lie than to tell the truth because he wants to look good to his pals. Have you ever noticed that when you are telling someone a story, that there is always someone in the crowd that has to have a story to top your story. One of those people that has been there and done that no matter what it is. Are you one of those people that listens to every word and believes every thing someone says or are you a doubtful one? Is he or she telling a tale or did this really happen.

If you know the person pretty well, then you may be able to tell the difference between the truth and a made up story. Here are a couple tips that may help you in determining the difference. First, if it is a made up story or if the person is lying his actions are different than a normal true story. If the person gets overly excited telling the story, most likely, it is just that, a story. Most times when a person tells a story, he doesn’t get overly excited and jumping all around like a nut.

Does his face get all red when you ask him questions and does he stumble for an answer? Then most times, you can tell, it is made up. Does he shrug his shoulders in a strange way and act like he doesn’t care what you think? Most likely, it is a lie. Does he get all upset when you ask him about something he said that proves that it was made up? Then again, it was made up.

Does he look you in the eyes when he is talking to you, or does he have shifty eyes? Another lie. People that can’t look you in the eye when talking to you are most likely not telling the truth.

When a person is telling a lie or a tall story, their actions change, from the way they talk to the body language, to the eye contact. So don’t take every ones word for it. Let them tell their story and laugh behind their back. That person is starving for attention, or, he may be one that has to be the center of attention.

Mexican Marijuana Crop Washed out from Hurricane Stan Flooding

Writen by Lance Winslow

Many Marijuana Pot Smokers are quite worried that the increase in prices will hurt their healthy pot smoking habit. This just after the FBI indicated they would hire people who had smoked pot. Pot smokers and marijuana lovers are concerned that the Mexican Marijuana Crop was literally washed out from Hurricane Stan Flooding; but now it is even worse as the Yucatan Peninsula’s pot and marijuana crop will take a huge hit and is likely not to recover for at least a year. So the damage of Super Cat Five Hurricane Wilma maybe much worse than thought and will effect much more than ever expected, it will be catastrophic.

This will effect supply and demand, as much of the American smoked Marijuana comes from Mexico and is smuggled to Washington DC where most all of the Politicians are buying it. Obviously I mean look at the laws these morons are passing these days; they must all be on drugs. One law, which was proposed by a junior Senator, was a price control on munchies and various junk food items.

In the District of Columbia they had even considered eminent domain on a Historic Monument and Building for a 15,000 pie per hour Super Dominos Pizza Franchise Outlet. But some other notable legislation is also proposed by the Junior Senator; to develop laser weapons in space to take out Super Hurricanes when they are on a direct path towards known drug crop areas in Central America, Caribbean and Mexico, while allowing the other storms to hit the United States.

He was condemned by Mothers Against Pot Smokers for his introduction of this bill, but he felt it was justified, due to the droughts and need for the Hurricanes to bring us lots of water and help his buddies who own construction companies. He said “Dude, I am just looking out for my constituency and keeping the surf up; what’s wrong with that bro?”

Hurricane Wilma wiped out much more of the Mexican Marijuana Crop than did Hurricane Stan had washed out. This is troubling to all of our Congressmen and Senators who are obviously smoking something. And that’s a wrap. Think on it.

Lance Winslow

How President Garfield Died; Or Being Grateful For Modern Medicine, Despite The Cost

Writen by Tom Attea

Want to be grateful for modern medicine, despite the way it can wreck the health of your wallet? All you have to do is read about President Garfield’s medical care circa 1880 when he was shot by an assassin.

The tale of woe came to our attention as the result of a new exhibit at the National Museum of Health and Medicine, located on the campus of the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The exhibition is intended to mark the 125th anniversary of his assassination.

To begin with, the gentleman remained alive for eighty days after he was shot twice by an assassin, who will go unnamed, because we don’t believe in giving publicity to such miscreants, since we think the quick notoriety encourages other deviants.

The first bullet just grazed the President’s arm. The second one, however, hit the right side of his back and lodged in his torso. The display shows it penetrated his first lumbar, or lower, vertebra. Today, such a projectile would be easy enough to spot and extract. After receiving a similar shot to the body, President Reagan was up and out of the hospital in no time.

But back then it was an entirely different case. Garfield’s doctors, who didn’t have modern diagnostic machines to aid their vision, could not decide where the bullet was lodged. A dozen or so medical experts probed the place of penetration, often using unsterilized instruments or bare hands.

Sterile procedures had been developed by then, in the 1860’s, by the British surgeon Joseph Lister, but were not yet appreciated in the colonies.

Historians are in agreement that Garfield died, not of the bullet, but from a massive infection due to unsterile medical practices.

One desperate observer suggested that the docs should just turn the President upside down and see if the bullet would fall out.

The exhibit also includes an image of the metal detector designed by Alexander Graham Bell to locate the bullet. Unfortunately, his invention failed to detect the location of it. Historians think the reason may be that the device picked up metal coils in the President’s mattress or because Mr. Bell only searched on the right side of Garfield’s body, where the head physician thought the bullet was lodged.

The autopsy revealed that the fatal shot pierced his vertebra but missed the spinal cord. It had not clipped any major arteries or veins or entered any major organs. It was, in fact, stuck in adipose tissue, that is, in fat, on the left side of his back.

Dr. Ira Rutkow, a professor of surgery at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey and also a medical historian, noted, “Garfield had such a nonlethal wound. In today’s world, he would have gone home in a matter or two or three days.”

In addition to causing the infection with unsterile techniques, Garfield’s doctors limited his solid food intake, because they thought the bullet might have punctured his intestines.

“They basically starved him to death,” Dr. Rutkow said, pointing out that the President lost over 100 pounds from the time he was shot until he died.

Sterile practice was finally widely adopted in the US in the early 1890’s. The X-ray was also discovered in the 1890’s.

The assassin was hanged in 1882. Even he blamed Garfield’s doctors, stating, “I just shot him.”

So, next time you get a big medical bill, just think of Garfield. While you can still regret the cost, thank your lucky stars for modern medicine.

When people grouse about the questionable benefits of modernity, I always remember modern medicine as one of the really positive revelations of the potential of the human race to improve its lot, the sorriest aspects of which are all too often self-inflicted.