Old Man Potomac, He Just Keeps Rollin’ Along

Writen by Tom Attea

Some days when we contemplate the divisive and deluded doings in DC, it helps to look away from the grandiose and revered buildings that have hosted our government since it was moved there from Philadelphia in 1800 and to contemplate the broad, green, and ever forward pushing Potomac, the generally placid river that just keeps rollin’ through it.

Here we see a boater speeding along, hoping the wind in his ears will clear his brain of brow-knitting complexities, while another one rows by, lazily fishing in a johnboat for its still bountiful population of largemouth bass, an inadvertently appropriate fish to find hard by the halls of ceaselessly yapping Congress.

We see in contemplating its broad banks, not only a respite from the din of the ever-raging spin at our backs, but the assurance that, whatever happens, somehow the nation will flow on toward its distant destiny in the great ocean of the human experience and we find, even in the trees along its shores, nature’s ultimate lesson in peaceful and patient growth and recognize in the birds that flit in and out of them one of nature’s examples of how sanely its usual creatures go about the basic processes of life.

We have, in fact, never seen a bird have a nervous breakdown or, unless deathly hurt or ill, too sad to chirp.

Perhaps from time to time we should require our elected officials to leave the contentious halls in which they usually contend to stroll down by the riverside and allow the widely flowing water to moderate the shortsightedness that urgencies impress on them and to invite the opening of their vistas.

But they’d have to walk, not only for the camaraderie, but because the taxpayers would never be at peace about paying the taxi fares and limo rates for such an unproductive occasion. Better to have them back in the buildings, insular and, at least as far as public appearances seem, intently dutiful.

Bathroom Palacial

Writen by John Sammon

I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Instead, I saved mine and each morning before leaving the room slipped it back on the toilet seat, giving the impression I never used it.

After day five of this I could only imagine the maid’s reaction.

Staring, she said, “What are you, some kind of a lizard?”

To me, bathrooms are like Greek temples, made of stone and cool marble, reassuring, serene, little worlds of their own, a place of refuge, shut away from the world and its problems.

Such places thus earn the more dignified name of “rest room.”

For example, if you hate your dead-end job, and you share a communal bathroom down the hall with the employees of other companies in the building, chances are you’ll spend more time here than you should, away from a threatening, dishonest boss, ringing phones and mountains of paperwork.

I admit I’m selfish. When I use the communal john, I want it all to myself—alone.

I also don’t want my imitation Greek temple sullied. Therefore, I never perform major bodily functions here (the only time I ever did I was sick).

There’s this guy. Every morning at 8:45 a.m. he’s seated on the throne. Now, I fully know this is not a common subject for a column, and I don’t want you to think I’m strange. But I’m truly curious about this guy, perplexed, baffled, whatever.

Since it’s only 8:45 in the morning, he can’t have been at work very long, not much more than an hour. Why can’t he hold it longer? Why can’t he do his disgusting business at home before he comes to work?

What does he do, process food like a goose?

Now, we all drink coffee, which I admit goes through you pretty fast. So I’m not against use of the john for small calls of nature. But I’m thinking of posting a sign, which reads, “This Facility Used for Minimal Body Functions Only.”

Don’t foul my Greek temple with your digesting bowels.

More bathroom palacial.

Bathrooms like restaurants should be rated in travel books as to how good they are. For instance, we’ve all seen gas station bathrooms in truck stops on Labor Day where the unflushed facility hasn’t been cleaned and the globs of stuff in there are so putrid you think they may reach out and grab you.

Such places assign us lower on the scale of evolution.

Disgusting!

Then there are bathrooms like the one I saw at Pebble Beach Resort. The heart soars. You could eat off the floor. Little, moist cloth towels hanging from silver trays for cleaning your hands. Embossed toilet paper. Gleaming brass and silver fixtures.

A dream come true.

I was in tears.

© Copyright 2004 by SammonSays.com

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at Sammonsays.com

How to Win the War on Terror

Writen by Lance Winslow

Many people say we can never win the war on terror and the international terrorists will just continue to blow up and kill innocent women and children wherever they feel like. They will continue to kidnap people and cut off their heads simply for a video opportunity for the Internet or Al Jazeera television.

Since we cannot win the war on terror let’s just change the name. We are good that we change the name of everything. The United States Senate and the United States Congress often change the names on bills and new laws just so they sound cool and we can make an acronym out of them.

We may as well claim victory on the war on terror and call these international terrorists organizations such as; Hamas, Hezbollah and Al Qaeda; nuisances. Then we can have the War on Nuisances.

We should be able to rid the world of nuisances such as ice cream trucks, which drive through the neighborhood playing crappy music. We can chase them through the neighborhood with shovels and rakes. And tell them to play at XM Radio on the 80s station. Otherwise they are not allowed.

It makes sense to have a war on nuisances because so many things annoy us. Just think of all the fun we can have and all the taxpayers money we can save. That’s how to win the war on terror, simply change the name and announce victory. Consider this in 2006.

Accurate Psychic Advice

Writen by Anna Ellington

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Please take some time to educate yourself before investing any money in a psychic reading. Get tips on choosing a psychic.

About The Author

My name is Anna. I am a clairvoyant psychic with clairaudient and empathic psychic abilities. I have been using my psychic gifts to help others by offering accurate confidential psychic readings for over 20 years now.

My experience includes the past pleasure of owning my Mystical Journeys shop selling books, crystals, tarot decks and all forms of tools for personal growth and empowerment as well as doing countless one-on-one readings with clients. I have had the privilege of doing live radio, television readings and a daily newspaper column as well as countless home parties and psychic fairs. I have conducted workshops on “Spirituality in the Workplace” for varied companies as well as some government divisions.

anna@accuratepsychicadvice.com

A French Teacher’s Memories: Boys Are Not Born in Cabbage Fields

Writen by Gabrielle Guichard

Despite the persistent rumor, boys are not born in cabbage patches and girls in rose gardens. They do have parents. Mosts parents behave friendly, wish their kids being successful and support teacher’s efforts. Some other are, let’s say, less supportive, and teachers would prefer that pupils come from roses and cabbages.

One morning, I arrived at the school, singing, like usual, when a mother suddenly appeared and asked me:

- Is it you who teach my son French and Latin?

I knew neither who she was, nor, consequently, who her son was. Completely unaware of what I was going to trigger, I answered quietly:

- I don’t know.

- What? You even don’t know who your pupils are? And they entrust you with the education of our children! (As she began shouting, a crowd gathered.) Believe me, I will make a report on you. Consider yourself fired. And, and … and…

She thought she had the keys of hell and could throw me into it.

I was waiting for the moment she would be short of cartridges (or short of breathe). It came.

- Excuse-me, Madame, but which teacher do you want to talk to?

Her jaw fell open. As I had hoped, she contemplated no longer that I could be the teacher she wanted to tell off, though it was an eventuality. She turned on her heel and walked away.

I still don’t know who she was; she never attended a staff meeting with parents participating. Alas! I needed a gardener.

Gabrielle Guichard is a French teacher who helps you to learn French online.

Goys-Я-Us - How to Fit In

Writen by Jack Wilson

First you should get yourself a yarmulke already. This skull cap will indicate to your new in-laws that you respect their values and hat style preferences. Don’t wear it until you need it, just have it.

Next; get a haircut!

Increase your vocabulary; learn terms like gefilte fish, matzoh ball, knish, gevalt, shmendrick (you might be called one), schnorrer, shiksa, goyisha kop, Nate ‘n’ Al’s, The Borscht Belt, piroshki and more.

More words you want? You could find them at:

juf.org/jewish_identity/ji_gloss.asp

If you are going to get married under a hoopah, practice smashing a shot glass with your foot. Good to wear a heavy boot on your smashing foot.

It won’t be long before you are invited (required to go) to a bar or bat mitzvah. Bring money. The food will be worth it. You will hear a speech about responsibility and tradition. Agree with everything in the speech.

Learn to sing Hava Nageela and dance the hora. It’s easy.

Beware of Aunt Sadie, the bosom from hell. She will smother you.

Study the writings of Leo Rosten and Isaac Bashevis Singer, not to mention Sholem Aleichem. Come to appreciate the art of Marc Chagall and Ben Shawn. Get a Jackie Mason record.

“Fiddler on the Roof” you should see twice.

The rest you can get from your new brother-in-law.

L’ chaim and mazel tov.

————————————————————————————

Jack Wilson is a gentile who has been married to a Jewish woman. Or two.

http://www.geocities.com/galimatio/jackwilson.html

Homeless Numbers Dropping in America

Writen by Lance Winslow

The homeless numbers in the United States of American are indeed dropping and much of this is due to the increase of jobs and the need for all businesses to hire more people. It is rather interesting that no one has made mention of this fact but I thought I should having visited so many homeless communities and shanty towns in my travels.

In fact in the last five years I have been to every single city in the United States with over 10,000 population and I am noticing homeless numbers dropping. This is a great thing and it proves that capitalism works and is probably the best way to run a civilization.

Indeed I believe that the reason this has not been mentioned so much lately is due to the democrat and Republican divide we see in politics. Where anything the Bush Administration does is automatically bad and when they do something really spectacular such as our stellar economic performance we cannot mention it. Why is this? Well it is due to the fact that much of the print media is very anti-Conservative.

What is somewhat fascinating is that the Democrats are always screaming about the homeless, but now that the homeless numbers are dwindling they are not longer discussing it. Why? Well, because it is not an issue like it once was. Many of those folks are back to work and off the street. Sure there will always be some who are homeless by choice, but the numbers have dropped drastically; haven’t you noticed this in 2006.

Lance Winslow

Marriage and Parenting

Writen by John Sammon

Marriage and parenting are among the few highly-challenging skills for which there are no qualifications, and for which no previous experience is necessary, and for which people just assume they are doing it right, making much of it up as they go along.

Sounds like government.

No knowledge is required. Okay, you take out a meaningless marriage license, a bureaucratic scrap of paper, by paying a small fee. But nobody asks you, “are you a moron?”

“Do you have an income?”

You’re not required to pass a test, like you do to get a driver’s license.

For example, a multiple choice test like this:

1. If your wife overcooked the spaghetti, would you?

A. Beat her.

B. Yell

C. Say, “let’s eat.”

D. All of the above.

No such test is required. Is it any wonder so many marriages fail? You don’t know what the hell you’re doing. You probably got married in the first place because you want what you thought would be some steady, great sex. But sex alone won’t keep it going, and when children show up?

In a one-child household, there’s a real chance you’ll both spoil the kid and the child will play one parent off against the other. If that child is a girl, she may become daddy’s girl and defy her mother.

If the child is a boy, he might become a momma’s boy and compete for the mother’s attention against the father, the famous Oedipus Complex.

The father could become exiled from the wife’s attention as she dotes on the kid, or visa versa.

There are a million combinations.

Since marriage and parenting can have a profound impact on not only your life, but up to as many as eight others (if you want more kids than this you’re already insane), let’s do something similar.

Let’s fly a space ship without any knowledge of the equipment. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Okay, call me a negativist, a pessimist. But before you do, how many marriages last? There are some.

Okay! Here’s something nobody, no marriage counselor, no priest ever talks about.EVOLUTION. Your new spouse won’t be the person in twenty years that he or she is today. I’m not the same person today I was in 1980.

NOBODY.I MEAN NOBODYNEVER..SITS DOWN AND TELLS THE OTHER PERSON WHAT THEY EXPECT FROM THAT PERSON FROM THE GET-GO.

And even if they did, how do you know what you’ll want in twenty years?

Couples grow apart, because they change. The dinosaurs couldn’t adapt to changing conditions. Can you?

Whatever attractions (mostly physical, sometimes money, not usually heart or character) brought you together, will have to withstand decades of shocks, family deaths, career failure, alienation, overwork, substance abuse, heath problems, and petty irritations that only grow with time.

Your husband scratches his balls, and that drives you crazy, but you didn’t know it when you married him.

I won’t try to speak for women, but let me warn you gals. Right now, your new husband thinks you’re a sexy Venus. He can’t stand to be away from you. But after you’ve had a couple kids, you will stop being the naughty, sexy vixen who drove him wild. You’ll be the mother of his children.

He’ll elevate you to sainthood.

Who wants to have sex with a saint?

This malady has killed the sex drive of lots of men, including Elvis Presley.

It is alleged that the sainthood sex killer particularly impacts men who have witnessed the birth of their child.

I liken marriage to a joint business venture between two people, full of high hopes. About the same percentage of new businesses fail as marriages. The failed businesses were entered into under-funded and without proper knowledge of the market.

The marriages failed because nobody looked at the possible warts on the other person.

“Yeah, he’s a selfish jerk, but he sure is gorgeous.”

In twenty years, he’ll likely be less gorgeous, but possibly no less a jerk.

KNOW THE PERSON YOU’RE MARRYING!

I’ll finish with sage advice from an old lady.

“You’ll love ‘em and you’ll hate ‘em, but you better love ‘em more than you hate ‘em.”

Having said that, I wish you a happy marriage.

© Copyright 2006 by SammonSays.com

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at http://www.Sammonsays.com

Individualism and the Divided Soul

Writen by Mary Arnold

The concept of individualism has been a major component of modern thought since its inception. Individualism asserts that people are “one and indivisible” (Kundera 21). The problem with individualism arises when one is restrained from doing what one would like to do. This prohibition results in the soul becoming divided against itself. Sigmund Freud in Civilization and Its Discontents and Friedrich Nietzsche in On the Genealogy of Morals both discuss their perspectives on the origins of the divided soul. In his novel, Milan Kundera offers a comment on individualism, using the ideas of Freud and Nietzsche, in his characterization of Ludvik Jahn as a divided soul.

Freud maintains that man’s purpose in life is to achieve happiness, which he defines as “satisfaction of needs” (Freud 25). This desire to obtain happiness is impossible for people due to the suffering imposed upon us by our own bodies, nature, and our fellow human beings (Freud 37). However, humans still endeavor to fulfill this “pleasure principle” which causes a division in the person between what they desire and what they are able to achieve (Freud 34).

In Kundera’s The Joke, Ludvik exhibits this futile search for happiness. Humiliated by the bourgeois condescension of his aunt and uncle, Ludvik believes he can obtain what he desires by joining the Communist party (Kundera 137). However Ludvik repeatedly comes into conflict with the Communist leadership at his university because of what they refer to as his individualism and intellectualism (Kundera 32).

Ludvik attempts to conform to the conduct expected of him which results in a “tiny crack opening up between the person [he] had been and the person [he] should be” (Kundera 32). Freud asserts that this conflict between the self and society is the primary source for humanity’s suffering (Freud 38). Despite knowing that the spirit of the times didn’t approve of “pranks or irony,” Ludvik writes a joke about communism that gets him expelled from the Communist party and the university (Kundera 31).

In addition to conflict between self and society creating divisions in people, Ludvik also exhibits the inner division between his ego and superego, as propounded by Freud. The ego is the conscious part of a personality that most directly influences behavior and the superego is derived from internalized aggression that the ego “would have liked to satisfy upon other, extraneous individuals” (Freud 84). In short, the superego is one’s conscience which provides a check upon the actions and thoughts of the ego by imposing a sense of guilt (Freud 86).

While Ludvik’s ego causes him to feel that the words he had written were “nothing so terrible,” his superego imposes feelings of guilt upon him (Kundera 39). Ludvik begins to believe that other people’s evaluation of his actions and personality to be more true than what he considers himself to be (Kundera 46). At his hearing, Ludvik admits to the moral failings of individualism, intellectualism, complacency, skepticism, and cynicism, but still maintains that he is devoted to the Communist party (Kundera 191). This assertion is paradoxical since all the qualities Ludvik possesses are diametric to the values of the party. Thus Ludvik accepts that he must be punished in some manner, but still tries to resist expulsion from the Communist party (Kundera 46).

Ludvik also possesses components of what Nietzsche refers to as the “slave soul”. Nietzsche claims that all humans have a will to power instinct, but not everyone is able to express this instinct. A weak man (the slave soul) is suppressed from venting their aggressive instincts upon others and is forced to “find compensation in an imaginary revenge” (Nietzsche 22). Ludvik engages in this imaginary revenge upon the people who expelled him from the university by attributing their actions upon everyone he comes into contact with which results in suspicion and distrust of everyone (Kundera 76). Ludvik recreates his world in which his “outcast destiny” becomes “something heroic” (Kundera 117). This is similar to the slave soul in viewing their suppression and suffering as marks of God’s grace (Nietzsche 19).

Another example of the slave soul ethic that Ludvik demonstrates is his tendency to remember the injuries done to him (Nietzsche 40). In spite of Ludvik’s admission of guilt at his hearing, he places the blame for his expulsion upon Zemanek. For fifteen years Ludvik has harbored hatred for Zemanek, and this hatred has influenced Ludvik’s subsequent actions (Kundera 242). Even though Ludvik would like to be avenged upon Zemanek, he does not actively seek out some way of obtaining revenge. Rather, fifteen years after his expulsion, the opportunity for revenge seeks out Ludvik through the coincidental meeting with Zemanek’s wife, Helena. Ludvik plans an indirect revenge against Zemanek by having an affair with Helena, which is typical of slave soul mentality. The satisfaction Ludvik feels over accomplishing this “beautiful act of demolition” crumbles quickly when he discovers the futility of his seduction of Helena since she and Zemanek are on the verge of divorce (Nietzsche 196). Ludvik is deeply humiliated by his failed revenge on Zemanek.

The divisions within Ludvik’s slave soul are seen again in his accidental meeting with Zemanek at the Ride of the Kings. Although Ludvik would like to avoid him, he feels compelled to “walk dutifully” with Zemanek and his girlfriend (Kundera 270). During the time they spend together, Ludvik imagines that at some point Zemanek will ask forgiveness from Ludvik over the expulsion from the university (Kundera 27). In asking forgiveness from Ludvik, Zemanek would be giving Ludvik power over himself. Ludvik initially determines he will refuse reconciliation with Zemanek (Kundera 278).

After Ludvik learns that Zemanek knows of his affair with Helena and does not mind, Ludvik interprets Zemanek’s attitude towards the affair as “merely a bribe” to induce Ludvik to forgive him (Kundera 281). Ludvik is so angered by this situation that he imagines himself hitting Zemanek when he asks forgiveness, but then Ludvik realizes that he “would do nothing” (Kundera 282). Ludvik feels suppressed from not being allowed to do what he would like to do. In the end, however, Zemanek does not ask forgiveness (refusing to give Ludvik power over himself) because Zemanek does not feel the need to have forgiveness from Ludvik.

The restrictions placed upon a person by the values of one’s community leads to a division within the soul between what one would like to do and what one is allowed to do. This division of the soul causes a person to deceive themselves about who and what he or she really is. Thus, Ludvik “remains unknown” to himself (Nietzsche 3). Ludvik did not recognize his individuality and intellectualism until it was made obvious to him by his fellow university students. After his expulsion when he can no longer fight against his outcast status, Ludvik sets up Zemanek and all his values as his antithesis, disregarding the fact that, up until that point, Ludvik had shared Zemanek’s values.

One example of Ludvik’s turning away from the values that Zemanek shares is the love they both possessed of Moravian folklore. After his expulsion from the party, Ludvik shuns his previous participation in folklore music. His attitude towards the music changes after he learns that Zemanek (and the Communist party) have abandoned their attempts to reconstruct folklore (Kundera 311). Ludvik feels that the abandonment of folklore by the communists and Zemanek have “purified it,” and so Ludvik is able to embrace folklore music once again (Kundera 312).

Despite outwardly disavowing everything Zemanek stands for, Ludvik inwardly would like to have what Zemanek does, such as wanting his girlfriend (Kundera 277). This is characteristic of Nietzsche’s slave soul; while denouncing the values of the “noble souls,” the weaker members of the community still “want to be strong” (Nietzsche 33). Ludvik cannot know himself because he lives in a world created by him based on the injustice he has suffered.

Bibliography

Freud, Sigmund. Civilization and Its Discontents. Ed. James Strachey. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1961.

Kundera, Milan. The Joke. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 2001.

Nietzsche, Friedrich. On the Genealogy of Morals. Ed. Douglas Smith. New York: Oxford University, 1996.

Mary Arnold is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ which is a site for Fiction Writing.

Her writing portfolio may be viewed at http://www.Writing.com/authors/ja77521

Rescue a Cockroach from Your Cat - Humanely

Writen by Jack Wilson

The Scene:

Your house cat, following her natural feline instinct, has spotted something moving which does not seem to have permission to trespass. She spends an hour or so deciding what to do, then suddenly springs to life, snags a cockroach with one claw and puts it in her mouth to save for later.

The Dilemma:

Your natural human desire to protect all life impels you to get the cockroach out of the cat’s mouth and set it free to procreate, but the cat has firm opinions, sharp claws and a narrow range of understanding. One wrong move on your part and it’s curtains for the cockroach and surgery for your fingers.

The Standoff:

You ponder how to get closer to the cat without precipitating a hysterically emotional hostage environment. The cat ponders what it is you are feeling; pride in her accomplishment, jealousy of her possession; should she purr or get off the spot? Another hour goes by with almost no action on either side. La cucaracha twitches occasionally.

The Procedure:

Fortunately, you remember that you keep a really, really, really small hypodermic gun in the medicine cabinet, along with several really, really, really small tranquilizer darts. This stuff has to work very fast so that the cat will not crunch the cockroach, intentionally or in reaction, but it must not be so strong as to kill the cat. You find your moment and take your shot. Bam! The cat is down, the cockroach falls to the ground, stunned but alive.

You scoop it up with a file card or PDA and find an empty plastic container or match box with a lid. You pierce the lid so the creature can breathe. Cockroaches can live a long time without eating, but you probably should fill a thimble or a pill bottle cap with water and place it in a corner. After a week of rest and mild exercise, the insect should be ready to fend for itself.

The Finale:

The cat wakes up and believes she has only dreamed about the cockroach, so she holds no grudge. Everything is back to normal.

Much of this plan can be applied to cat/mouse incidents, dog/cat incidents or cow/grass incidents.

Thank you for saving lives.

Jack Wilson is a writer and artist from Los Angeles and Phoenix.

http://www.geocities.com/galimatio/jackwilson.html