Rebuttal Song: Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!

Writen by Robert Sprackland

Response to “Life is Hardest when you’re Dumb,” a song by The Austin Lounge Lizards.

Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!
There aren’t many things you’ve learned that you forgot.
You don’t read novels a whole lot,
’cause by page three you know the whole plot.
Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!

Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!
Your brain’s so big you keep it in a shopping cart.
To you small talk is just a waste
unless it’s small talk to the third decimal place.
Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!

Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart.
You’re brain’s ahead of all the rest before they start.
Your boss can’t track a Sit-Com plot;
Your second grader builds nannobots!
Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart.

Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Wise!
Being brighter than the rest you can’t disguise.
The folks you meet think you’re a fright,
The Mensa crowd thinks you are alright.
Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!

No need to leave a child behind, ’cause school is free,
But most folks treat school like a farce, you plainly see.
If school’s a place you’d rather skip,
I’ve got some burgers you can flip!
Life is Hard, But Life is Hardest When You’re Smart!

Slavery Reimbursement and Restitution For All African-Americans

Writen by Lance Winslow

Perhaps you have heard the great debate in the news media about the possible reimbursement and restitution for all African-Americans who have ancestors who were slaves. After some 15 generations this turns out to be quite a large number of people, in fact it is over 40 million. If the United States government were forced to get of let’s say $75,000 to over 40 million people it would actually bankrupt our country, not that Social Security won’t do that same thing in the near future anyway, but nevertheless it would bankrupt the nation.

Additionally, how can one group of people such as African Americans demand reimbursement and restitution when other nationalities were also exploited in the early days of America. Consider the Irish and the Chinese while building the railroad or the time before the Industrial Revolution when people work to the bone; both adults and children for very little food. Recently in a coffee shop conversation I heard a white gentleman arguing with a black gentleman over this very issue. The white gentleman stated:

What about all the crime being caused by black Americans in the inner city, I have to pay more in taxes for police and prisons and my car was broken into, I do not see anybody trying to reimburse me for that. I want my tax dollars back. So there is your Black Mirror. And if anyone calls me a racist for pointing out facts; then I call the Black Chamber of Commerce racist for having an all Black Club, excluding whites. This is a Black Racist issue, demanding repayment for slavery and those involved need to get a life and grow up. They are not helping America; they are tearing it down. Plato would have laughed at the insanity of all this.

Now then, those were not the exact words of the white gentleman as this debate got quite heated and went on for about 30 minutes nevertheless that was the gist of the argument and it is something to philosophically think about. The black gentleman was completely serious about wanting his $75,000 reimbursement. He said it was owed to him and he demanded restitution. Perhaps we should all consider this in 2006.

Lance Winslow

When Great Minds Meet

Writen by Tim Knox

As a native son, I know that it doesn’t take much to get the average Alabamian excited. Double coupon day at Kroger will do it; the opening of a Super Wal-Mart; an Elvis sighting; a batch of Georgia lottery tickets smuggled in by a coworker and sold at cost. But I was amazed at the reception Microsoft CEO Bill Gates got when he came to Alabama last week. You’d have thought Oprah was on trial here for badmouthing grits, the way people were carrying on. One particularly- impressed fellow gushed, “I just shook the hand of the richest man in the world! I may never wash my hand again!”

Partner, you need a hobby. Try aisle 5.

Maybe all the ruckus was because Billy Bob Gates (his honorary Alabama name) came to Dixie to give away money, something we Alabamians will stand in line to see, especially if there’s a chance we might get a buck or two. Gates donated $2.7 million to pay for computers and Internet access for Alabama public libraries in an effort to bring cyberspace to underprivileged Alabamians. A noble gesture, but I’ll bet the underprivileged would have just preferred the cash.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but Bill Gates coughing up $2.7 million is the monetary equivalent of me digging for change in my sofa. Consider these numbers: Bill’s estimated worth is $48 billion. That’s a 48 and a whole bunch of zeros. On average, Bill earns $120 per second, $7,200 per minute, $432,000 per hour, $10,368,000 per day, $72,576,000 per week, $3.7 billion per year. Poor sap. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on him. Imagine what the IRS does to him every April 15.

Bill and his entourage (which included his wife and three bodyguards specially trained to handle terrorist pie attacks) visited two Alabama libraries that were recipients of his donation: one in Selma, another in Demopolis. Then it was off to Montgomery for a meeting with our beloved Governor Fobio James. It was on the way to Montgomery that Bill ran into another great American: Delbert Lee Knox.

Delbert Lee, a second cousin on my daddy’s side, is considered by most in the family to be what my grampa calls, “the one that fell out of the tree and didn’t land on his head,” which, loosely translated into semi-coherent English, means: the boy made good. Delbert Lee is known around the world as “Delvis: The Elvis Impersonator’s Impersonator.” His impersonations of other impersonators is incredible! It’s like Elvis to the third power. And you should see him do the Elvis Stamp (young AND old versions). It’s down right eerie!

That achievement alone is enough to get Delbert Lee seated at the head of the big people’s table at all family functions, but he has another claim to fame. He is also the mayor of Goober Falls, Alabama, a small hamlet just off the highway to Demopolis. It was there that Delbert Lee met and spent several minutes with Bill Gates. I’m sure neither of them will ever be the same. I spoke to Delbert Lee shortly after their impromptu meeting and here’s what he had to say.

Tim Knox: So, DL, what was it like, shaking the hand of the richest man in America?

Delbert Lee: It was something, TK! I may never wash my hand again.

HL: How did he end up in Goober Falls?

DL: I think he had too much sweet tea up in Selma because he had to stop by Arnie’s Gas-n-Go to use the facilities. Arnie called to tell me that he was out there, so I had him trap the little feller in the restroom till I could arrive.

TK: You trapped the richest man in America in a gas station restroom? Was he upset?

DL: Well, he was at first. Then Arnie gave him one of those pine tree air fresheners for his limo and all was forgiven.

TK: What was he like?

DL: Well, he wasn’t nearly as tall as I thought he’d be. And I had him pegged as being much older. I mean, he started Wal-Mart nearly forty years ago, you know.

TK: DL, you’re thinking of Sam Walton. The guy you met was Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft.

DL: (Pause) Bill Gates? Who the hell is Bill Gates?

TK: Ever heard of a little thing called the Internet, DL?

DL: Course I have! We get the X-Files off the satellite dish down here, you know.

TK: I’ve got an idea, DL. Bill Gates wants to put the average Alabamian on the Internet and since there’s no Alabamian more average than you, how about letting me test your Internet knowledge.

DL: I am your faithful hound dog, HL. Fire when ready.

So, I gave Delbert Lee a little test. I asked him to define the following terms. His answers are in bold.

Bytes: What my dog Priscilla does when you pull her tail.
Megabytes: What you get when you Super Size the McNuggets meal at McDonald’s.
Megahertz: The world’s largest car rental company.
Monitor: One of them big lizards from Japan.
Keyboard: Where Arnie hangs the restroom key down at the Gas-n-Go.
Scuzzy (SCSI): A woman of ill repute.
Hard drive: Any road trip involving my mother-in-law.
Modem: What I did to them stinkweeds that was growing in my yard.
Hardware: My drawers when Lurleen doesn’t use fabric softener.
Software: That frilly underwear you see in the Victoria’s Secret catalog.
Mouse: Like a gopher rat, only smaller.
Mouse Pad: Where that mouse lives.
Online: Where you stand when waiting to get your government cheese.
Service provider: A truckstop waitress.
RAM: My Dodge truck, by God.
ROM: Jimmy Buffet’s favorite drink. Goes good with Coke.
Random Access Memory: When I conveniently forget to tell Lurleen that I been out drinking with Arnie and the boys.
WWW: The international branch of the World Wrestling Federation.
Virus: Something that can’t be cured without penicillin or fungus medicine.
Reboot: What you have to do when you wear down the souls of your Dingos.
Microsoft: Really fine toilet paper.
Geocities: A town where everybody drives a little, bitty car.
URL: What Lurleen fries chicken in. Crisco is her favorite.
Shutdown: What happens when the vice squad raids the trailer park on Saturday night.

TK: Thanks, DL. I’ll see you at the next reunion.

DL: No, HL, thank you. Thank you very much.

Humor Writing: Life Magnified

Writen by Scott Lindsay

Now, Buck this is probably something you don’t know, but cute is one of nature’s devices for preserving its young. It doesn’t apply to just animals either. Many a dumb and useless human being has survived and prospered for no other reason than the good luck of being cute. My wife comes to mind… - Patrick McManus

Writing humor is one of the more difficult types of writing simply because most writers misunderstand the intent of humor writing.

One of the predominate misconceptions about humor writing is that it needs to be a ‘joke book’. This believe fills the pages with one-liners, puns and groaners and has the effect of a clown at a circus - amusing to a degree, but you’ll be glad when they just go away.

Many stand-up comedians make poor humor writers because the set-up and punch line routines in stand-up do not translate well to an individual reader. It would be sort of like trying to do stand-up in front of one person - the humor just seems to go away.

So what makes good humor writing?

Gentle Self-depreciation

Most people feel uncomfortable when authors cut themselves down, however in humor writing you can gently point out your own failings and humorous moments for the amusement of the reader. Humor writing will always find a strong root in the foibles of real life.

I became a philosopher at age twelve, after a scant six years of fishing. One evening at supper I looked up from my plate and announced, “I fish; therefore, I am.” Perhaps awed by this evidence of precocity in a young boy, my stepfather turned to my mother and asked, “Is there any more gravy?” Thus encouraged, I forgot about philosophy until I went off to college. - Patrick McManus

Life’s Amusements

A humor writer can take the normal events in life and enhance their ‘normalcy’ to make the common uncommonly funny.

The smoke from the campfire always blew directly in the eyes of the campers, regardless of wind direction. No one minded much, since it prevented you from seeing what you were eating. If a bite of food showed no signs of struggle, you considered this a reasonable indication that it came from the cook pot and was not something just passing through. - Patrick McManus

A Story of Many Colors

If you’ve ever been to a mall where there are artists drawing caricatures you can begin to gain an appreciation for humor writing. The stories have their basis in fact, but the story is blown out of proportion in certain areas to accentuate a point of humor. It doesn’t make the story less true, just more entertaining.

The Brothers Karamazov

Writen by Aaron Schwartz

Fyodor Dostoevsky was one of the people that make the literature world seem something extraordinary, deep, emotional and if it is possible to say - vital. Through his works one can understand things through outliving them. The moment you read the last word of his work and your eyes slowly go up to the “true reality” and look at the walls of your room something very strange happens inside of you. It feels like you were in another world, on another planet for SO long, that now you do not recognize your own world and if you do - it seems very different from what it did before. The tragedy of his works can fill the heart of every human being and if after you read the book you feel like you have a heart-ache close to the one you feel when you loose somebody very important in your life it means that the world of Dostoevsky with all its pain has become a part of you. His work “The Brothers Karamazov” touch to the very core and all the messages that you consciously and subconsciously got, begin living their own life in you heart and mind giving start to thought, infernal conflicts and soul sufferings. It is very difficult actually to view anything from the “The Brothers Karamazov” apart from the whole plot. Brothers Karamazov appear before us as a strong internal unity with complex plot directions penetrating each other. Therefore, resulting this comes the affectation of any kind of separations and reviews of separate themes from the general picture of the book. Nevertheless, we will try our best in tracking the theme that we are specifically interested in. Before talking about certain aspects concerning “The Brothers Karamazov” we want to put a little ascent on the author. What kind of a person can arouse all these emotional rebels in different people? This is very important in the further understanding of the issue discussed in this paper. The life of Dostoevsky was very hard and tragic and it is naturally to suppose that the experience he had deeply influenced his works.

Dostoevsky did not simply know well the contents of the Bible; he spiritually penetrated it since his most early years. His novel is a tragedy. It is the result of his spiritual tragedy and a revelation of the “deep mystery of his soul”. Everything in “The Brothers Karamazov” is filled with duality and contradiction. There is also a conflict in his book. The theme of food and drink is also represented by a contradiction in it. The food or drink scenes appear in major scenes of the novel. Another thing that also needs to be mentioned before starting our analysis is the understanding that Dostoevsky had his own “imagery” that was brightly denominated in this novel. This, we might say, encoded message may not be seen at once but is still very important. Food and drink appear as a background of the plot in the novel, but this background often says what the situation itself could not manage to say. It complements the episode perfectly and through this background Dostoevsky shares as much thoughts with the reader as he does through the plot line. As the religious topic is viewed throughout his whole novel the first example of the significance of food and drink in the novel we will examine from the position of the power of religion for we are going to talk about Alyosha Karamazov, an “angel” as Dmitri Karamazov would later call him (b.3/c.3). The themes of Dostoevsky in this book are so much connected with religion that a question about Dostoevsky and his belief in paradise on earth starts having a really deep meaning. Religion has had a great influence on the people’s traditions and ways in Russia back then and the way the Russians followed the prescription of the Christian church impressed, the way they believed in miracles, this can be seen in the scene of Father Zossima talking to all these women that came from far away to ask him to release their sins. All these “traditions” concerned food, too. Eating and drinking played a great role, because it was also a “tradition” that was followed. During the religious feasts people “refueled” their bodies, made them happy and glorifies God. Food in this case is viewed as a mean of communication of one believer with another believer or even with God. So food and drink are shown from the divine side, not as the things that lead to gluttony, but as an ability to show through the sharing of a meal their love to God and obedience. Alyosha, the youngest from the Karamazov brothers is shown in the book full of religious admiration and love to God, which he learned from Father Zossima. His perception of the outer world is very different. He has no business towards getting something for people and everybody that they like his unusualness in him. When in our contemporary world we see a person who is ready to take his last shirt off just to somebody else with can easily call him - Alyosha Karamazov. No matter what he is going to do all his always intentions have a good beginning. He tries hard to bring kindness to people. Father Zossima was very important for him, not only because he was his pupil, but also because he identified himself with Father Zossima. Alyosha lives by the Christian laws Father Zossima teaches him, he followed them, without forgetting a single one. The imagery of food in Alyosha’s description appears at a very critical moment for the young men. Father Zossima dies (b.7/c.1), a man that taught him so much that the world of religion to him, showed that the human being should not be condemned and that to love means to love every single man, and not just the ones that make you good. The image of Father Zossima is something that he secretly, we might even say, worshiped and who was the brightest example for him. And yet death has taken him and starts touching his body. The sense of the decaying body of his religious elder impressed Alyosha immensely. And here comes the moment when food and drink appears on stage. Alyosha is disappointed by what he sees, and he meets his so-called “friend” he steps on the wrong way. He feels that it is so unfair that such a man as Father Zossima after death has to go through such a humiliation, from his point of view. His desperateness and the destruction of his ideal make him turn to the human weaknesses. All the monastic vows are forbidden, and though he still remains kind and loving inside he turns to the religious taboos. Through Rakitin he escapes in vodka and forbidden food. The imagery of food in this case is of a very high importance. Dostoevsky shows that the Alyosha’s “decline” happens first by eating and drinking. Food represents the lightness of a moral fall. And how easy it is possible to achieve it through just eating and drinking. So it is one of the contradictions that Dostoevsky gives in his book “The Brothers Karamazov”.

The contradictions between the pure Christian view on food as a union with people and God on one side and food as a mean of self-destruction after the loss of ideals on the other. This moment of the book is very deep meaning that influences Alyosha’s life entirely. Fortunately, he resurrects his belief in God through love. His love to people has been such so much unforgettable for his own heart that finally he finds consent with himself. And even despises himself for having been weak. This failure made him strong for him future successes. And at the end we see another repetition of the imagery of food connected with his character. When he was at the wedding feast at Cana connected with the changing water into wine by Christ he felt the love of God as never before. This love overwhelmed him and filled him with something absolutely new and pure. At that very moment he had a vision of a feast in heaven, where God meet all the guests. Here, Alyosha’s spiritual resurrection happens through water and wine and continues the food imagery role in the novel. This is one of the brightest and significant uses of the food and drink imagery in the book.

As many significant events in the novel are connected with eating or drinking we will keep focusing on the major ones.

The next moment connected with food and drink imagery is the scene when Alyosha comes to his father house in(b.3/c.6).The gathering of the brothers Ivan, Alyosha and their father Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov. Dostoevsky shows Alyosha coming to the house when the dinner is already over. A deep analysis of this aspect may be interpreted as the lack of care from the side of this house and his father in the first place. That he is not expected there. As soon as he comes he understand that his father has been drinking but is not drunk yet. The way his father talks, offers coffee and speaks of food in a manner that implies that it is very important to him. That he likes food and drinking which are physical pleasures. He offers Alyosha coffee from Smerdyakov and asks to tell before hand when he will come the next time so he would have the possibility to give him some fish soup (uha) to try. Though Fyodor Pavlovich is always telling that Alyosha is a good boy but he does not seem to care about him at all. Instead of a real fathers hug he offers him some coffee and alcohol. On the background through all the conversation alcohol accompanies Karamazov senior. The way he enjoys drinking is seen throughout the whole scene. When alcohol starts influencing him he starts talking about things that very shock Alyosha, especially when he started talking about women and their mother. Later on he fails to understand that his wife was not only Alyosha’s mother, but Ivan’s mother, too. Fyodor Pavlovich is shown in the image of a degradating person, a person that lives only to eat good drink a lot and meet women, no matter how they look like. All of these manifestations are very much spiced by Dostoevsky with plenty of alcohol; it even seems to be floating in it. Drink, in this case is shown as a destruction power that leads to complete personality disintegration. When we ask ourselves the question why is he chose to be killed in the novel, the first answer that comes in mind - he was nobody. Alcohol is very important here, for it shows that this man was very weak. And the alcohol that Alyosha chose when he was desperate, the same alcohol Fyodor Pavlovich chooses to make his everyday moments funnier. It is another confirmation of how throughout the satisfaction of physical needs a person looses even a hint to having spiritual values. The theme of alcohol seems to continue in Dmitri’s despair. Before entering the father’s house Alyosha meets Dmitri who by the influence of alcohol, and being brave enough now tells all the 4,5 thousand money-issue to Alyosha. Here alcohol was a catalyst, such as was Grushenka for Alyosha, to reveal the truth, as Alyosha revealed that what he was doing was wrong. It was alcohol again for a certain reason. During all his life Dmitri his existance was about the struggle between behaving animal-like and decent. And it is possible to assume that Dostoevsky made this alcohol line to show that the son had common weaknesses with his father Fyodor Pavlovich, that he is still the son of his father. Nevertheless, at the end he takes the punishment of another person. Which means that the physical did not win in him and that the “human” traits did take court. He punished himself but for a better future. There are a lot of other examples that may be reviewed in details but in our opinion we got the main ones that go throughout the entire book.

The significance of the food and drink imagery in “The Brothers Karamazov” by Fyodor M. Dostoevsky has a deeper sense that it may seem form the first sight. As Dostoevsky is considered to be a real psychologist it is obvious that he made a great job in choosing the imagery that would contain encoded messages. This imagery is of a high importance for this book, because throughout the novel, he reveals the true nature of the scenes depicted in the novel. He often uses this imagery as a background, a background that sometimes carries more information that it usually does. The focus on this imagery is necessary if the book is to deeply understood and analyzed. Every single word said by Dostoevsky is not just a word but has a certain aim of using. As you see the example of the food and drink imagery usage is of a great importance for the understanding of the book. Minimizing its significance we minimize the meaning of the novel “The Brothers Karamazov” as a whole and underestimation of Dostoevsky’s world perception.

People providing themselves enough food, and enjoying the spectacles deprive themselves from the main divine grant of a person - the liberties of moral choice and possibility to live on their won will. It is shown in “The Brothers Karamazov” how much the physical aspect enslaves people, making them flabby. Through the food and drink in the novel Dostoevsky achieves the aim of showing how much the “physical” can destroy the spiritual. How can it worsen what already was bad? And we think this is why he keeps showing these scenes again.

In conclusion it is important to say that of course the novel would not have really lost its extraordinarity without the food and drink imagery, nevertheless without it the essence of the transmitted idea is not complete. The values given in the novel are brightly supported by the same food and drink imagery. The psychological art of Dostoevsky is famous all over the world. He gets into the depths of subconsciousness of people and researches their emotional lives creating his outstanding characters in “The Brothers Karamazov”. Dostoevsky by using food and drink imagery in “The brother Karamazov” saved the initial sense of the novel for us. His analysis in the book the analysis is not limited by individual psychology: it gets into social, household and ethnic psychology. His idea of the possibility of the resurrection of high moral human values and union of the mankind are seen through the whole novel. Dostoevsky by using food and drink imagery in “The brother Karamazov” saved the initial sense of the novel for us. It is a great book with a great meaning for us, people, who live and love after Fyodor M. Dostoevsky and the imagery in the book is the confirmation that the best messages are not always offered as a plaintext.

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[Not So] Outgoing Mail

Writen by Greg Gagliardi

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn’t even respond. What’s so outgoing about that? I think it needs to be renamed “shy mail” or “introverted mail”. And besides, the reason a lot of people send mail is because they are not outgoing people and would like to instead express themselves in written form. So a new name for this type of mail is only logical. I would suggest names like Ralph or Hector or Agnes, because people don’t seem to send mail to people with names like those, and thus the name would be ironic…

I’m confused because I constantly hear females saying that they want an outgoing mail, but when I send them letters, they don’t respond. But outgoing mail is not my only complaint in regards to the U.S. Postal Service. I also have a problem with stamps. This isn’t because there is no stamp with my picture on it — especially since I think that’d require me to be dead — but also because many stamps are now stickers, and therefore aren’t pushed forcibly, contrary to the definition of “stamp”. Furthermore, and perhaps more importantly, I don’t think “stamp” would be a good name for a fish. If you are reading this and you name your fish “stamp” and it dies tomorrow, you have no one to blame but yourself and that stupid name…

Other misnamed aspects of the U.S. Postal Service include the term “mailman,” which is just stating the same thing twice. Then there is also the system of “priority mail,” which to me is scary because what is that saying about all the other mail that is sent? Same goes for express mail. That’s basically like saying, “Well, we could technically send everything faster, but then we wouldn’t be making money, would we?”

I am not positive about this, but I think express mail involves very quick flamingoes. One flamingo passes the mail to another, and then that flamingo throws it around a little for fun, before passing it on to a third flamingo, who obviously then gives it to the addressee. But I am not positive about the second flamingo; I’m just sure about the first and third. Nevertheless, I have thought of far too many flaws involving the postal system. If any member of the U.S. Postal Service, particularly a flamingo, would like to follow up with my complaints, please go ahead and e-mail me at comments@progressiverevelations.com. I thought about having people send comments about the mail through the mail system, but that just doesn’t work. It’s like running around with a burger at a fast food restaurant…

Yes, exactly like that…

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

Humor And The Sales Pitch

Writen by Michael Russell

Money makes the world go round. And let’s face it, nobody is going to get any money from anyone unless there is something to sell and somebody to buy what they’re selling. A very common way to try to sell something is to use humor to sell it. Humor always works as it is really a form of distraction. You focus the viewer or listener’s attention on the joke of the ad and they almost forget what it is that you’re trying to sell. But they do remember enough to at least remember the product name. If the ad was funny enough, they may just go out and buy the product.

You don’t have to look very far to find humor in sales either. It’s all over the place. You see it every day on some of the funniest commercials on television; you hear it in between songs on your favorite radio station and see it in print in your favorite newspaper and magazine every time you thumb through the pages. Let’s face it, most newspapers and magazines are more ads than they are content. Otherwise the price you’d have to pay for them would more resemble than national debt. See, there’s some humor for you.

The long list of funny ads goes on forever. From the early days of television we’ve had some real classics. Who can forget a commercial that was voted one of the funniest of all time. It was an ad for Alka Seltzer. The wife is laying in bed trying to sleep and the husband is sitting up on the edge of the bed moaning over and over “I can’t believe I ate the WHOLE thing”. Finally after a few of these complaints the wife tells him to take his Alka Seltzer. After the voice-over guy finishes telling us how Alka Seltzer will quickly relieve our upset stomach, we go back to the husband and wife for the punch line of the joke. The wife asks the husband if he took his Alka Seltzer. His reply. “The WHOLE thing”. A true classic.

A few years later, in 1969, there was another commercial of a guy who is actually making a commercial endorsing what appears to be meatballs. He has just one line, “Mama mia, that’s a spicy meatball”. But each time he attempts the line he keeps messing it up. The problem is, he has to keep taking a bite of the meatballs before he speaks his line. Well, after a while, he’s eaten so much that he’s got an upset stomach. Fortunately, there’s some Alka Seltzer around and after taking it he feels much better and delivers the line to perfection. But then the oven door pops open and they have to do a retake again. The final line of the commercial is the director saying, “Let’s take a break for lunch”. Another classic commercial that is just as funny today. Unfortunately the ad was pulled because Italian Americans thought it was degrading them.

These are just two examples of how humor has been used to sell products to the buying public. Yes, it is very effective.

Michael Russell

Your Independent guide to Humor

Precious Stones The Big Five-Part 5 The Pearl

Writen by Sam Serio

Since pearls are so rare and possess such a high degree of natural beauty, they have been considered to be among the most splendid of gems for many centuries.

The people of India and Persia (Iraq) were among the earliest to collect pearls, because of the rich fisheries of Ceylon and the Persian Gulf, the Indian and Persian princes in the last century, acquired huge collections of pearls that have never been equaled, these collections would be worth hundreds of millions of dollars today.

Pearls A Natural Wonder

Natural or real pearls are made by oysters and other mollusks. Cultured pearls also are grown by mollusks, but with human intervention; that is, an irritant introduced into the shells causes a pearl to grow. Imitation pearls are man-made with glass, plastic, or organic materials.

Because natural pearls are very rare, most pearls used in jewelry are either cultured or imitation pearls. Cultured pearls, because they are made by oysters or mollusks, usually are more expensive than imitation pears. A cultured pearl’s value is largely based on its size, usually stated in millimeters, and the quality of its nacre coating, which give it luster. Jewelers should tell your if the pearls are cultured or imitation. Some black, bronze, gold, purple, blue and orange pearls, whether natural or cultured, occur that way in nature; some, however, are dyed through various processes. Jewelers should tell you whether the colored pearls are naturally colored, dyed or irradiated.

Clams, oysters, mussels and many other mollusks with limy shells are known to produce pearls. But very few kinds yield gem pearls of jeweler’s quality. The pearl is an abnormal growth of mother-of-pearl, or nacre, imbedded in the soft bodies of these shellfish. It is built up, layer upon layer, in the same way as nacre is added to the lining of the growing shell and always has the same color and luster. For example, over the country, hundreds of good-sized pearls are found each year in the oysters we eat. Unfortunately these have no commercial value regardless of whether they have been cooked or not because they are dull opaque white or purple like the shell of the parent oyster. In recent times almost all pearls of gem quality come from the oriental pearl oyster which has a bright shimmering translucent nacre.

A pearl starts growing when some irritating foreign substance such as a sand grain, bit of mud, parasite or other object becomes lodged in the shell-producing gland called the mantle. Pearls formed in the soft flesh where nacre can be added on all sides are most likely to be spherical and the most highly prized. By far the great majority are flattened or variously distorted and have little value. Size, color, luster and freedom from flaws are other essential qualities. Unlike other gems, such as diamonds, pearls have an average life of only about 50 years. In time the small amount of water in a pearl’s make-up is lost and its surface cracks. Because they are mostly lime, necklaces which are worn often are injured by the acid secretions of the human skin.

Though, the pearl is not technically a stone at all, it’s beauty has earned it a place in the Big 5 of precious stones. Jewelry artists have long appreciated the pearl and continue to utilize its charm in their creations

Buying pearl jewelry can be fun, exciting and confusing. Whether you’re considering a gift of pearl jewelry for someone special or as a treat for yourself, take some time to learn the terms used in the industry.

Pearl jewelry: pearl rings, pearl earrings, pearl necklace, pearl pendants and pearl bracelets are some of the most sought after jewelry creations. Your eyes tell you how beautiful a piece of pearl jewelry is, but how do you know you are getting your money’s worth?

A little knowledge can go a long way to help you purchase a beautiful piece of pearl jewelry at a fair price.

When shopping for pearl jewelry online, apply these tips.

1. Shop with companies you know or do some homework before buying to make sure a company is legitimate before doing business with it.

2. Take advantage of information and referrals from an Internet company you have come to trust.

3. Get the details about the product, as well as the merchant’s refund and return policies, before you buy.

4. Look for an address to write to or a phone number to call if you have a question, a problem or need help.

The pearl is the birthstone for the month of June.

Sam Serio is an Internet Marketer, musician and a writer on the subject of jewelry and gemstones. For more information on jewelry and gemstones, we cordially invite you to visit http://www.morninglightjewelry.com to pick up your FREE copy of “How To Buy Jewelry And Gemstones Without Being Ripped Off.” This concise, informative special report reveals almost everything you ever wanted to know about jewelry and gemstones, but were afraid to ask. Get your FREE report at http://www.morninglightjewelry.com

Why Macy’s Cleans Their Floors At Odd Hours

Writen by Kathy Ostman-Magnusen

I was at Macy’s the other day checking out pots and pans. The salesman came up to me and told me about a set on sale for $99. marked down from $300. It was EXACTLY what I had been looking for to replace our teflon bare pans! I said let me go call my husband. A hundred bucks is still a hundred bucks, right?

So Denny and I decided to get them. I went back and grabbed a box with a small saute pan to add to the boxed set on sale. I stood before the display and grabbed the larger box underneath. At one point I noticed that the display was shifting a tad. All the pots and pans were displayed along with glass (glass being the operative word here) jars filled with gourmet mustards and sauces. Other ‘glass’ jars were filled with rice and pasta … well rice for sure… and I think the other was pasta….. As I said… I noticed the display began to shift… in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n…. you know how that is? You have time to envision the inevitable end? The disaster at hand?

The crash was awesome! Rice and gourmet sauces…EVERYWHERE. It was hard to decipher which was louder… the SCREAM of the salesgirl nearby… or the actual crash! Sheesh a ma neesh I thought… even in the midst of this… CALM DOWN! As we all know… I am not exactly a low keyed person once prompted in the direction of excitement. Yet… I still felt the salesgirl was a bit premature. I mean, the items had not fully landed!

‘DON’T MOVE!!’ exclaimed the salesgirl as she surveyed the final damage. Meanwhile the clerk who had first talked me into getting the pots and pans had arrived at the scene.

“Why didn’t you ask me to get them for you?” he said with mournful regret.

Keep in mind… I am still standing there… remembering the salesgirls cry of ‘DON’T MOVE!’, holding the boxes in place against the display. I am sort of wondering how long I must stand in this position.

The salesgirl begins yelling at all wanna be passers by…”DON’T COME THIS WAY!! GO AROUND… THERE IS RICE ALL OVER THE FLOOR… IT IS ‘VERY’ DANGEROUS!!!” Naturally… EVERYONE… from far and wide in the whole store was curious at this point. I had to move… ya know? Just how long was I to stand in that weird position?….I did… and the final jar of mustard… flew to the ground, splattering everywhere the sauces and rice and what not, had missed.

“NOOOO000000ooooo!’ I heard the salesgirl exclaim… adding to the drama. “DON’T WALK ON THE FLOOR… THERE IS RICE ‘EVERYWHERE … AND ‘GLASS!” “STAY THERE!” she redirected her attention back to me.

Hummm I thought after another 3-4 minutes… am I to stay in this spot ‘forever’? I decided to break another one of her newly set rules and tip toed ever so carefully onto the carpet. Her LOOK…WOULD KILL! “OK then”, I said, “Well I would still like the pots and pans” “Come this way”, said the salesman, who had first helped me, as he quite gingerly picked up the boxes from still another display. (I think they must get a commission) I was glad to get out of there needless to say.

As I left I could still hear the salesgirl directing potential traffic… “STOP!… DON’T COME DOWN THIS WAY… GO A-R-O-U-N-D!!” When I went home I went through my cupboards, gathered up all the worn pots and pans in question and replaced them with my shiny new set! Awesome! I made a couple eggs for Denny and they were fabulous!

What can I say… I have never been graceful and never been a dancer… I am exercising though and I think I heard or read somewhere that makes one more sure on their feet and clears ones head!

About Me

Name:Kathy Ostman-Magnusen

Location:Hawaii, United States

Aloha! I am a figurative artist and Illustrator. If you check out my website you will see that I am very prolific in oils. My paintings are collected worldwide. I also do sculpture; images available upon request. I have illustrated for Hay House Inc. , Neil Davidson, who was considered for the Pulitzer Prize in feature writing, and several other publications. I also enjoy story writing and poetry. All of the paintings,stories and poems are written by me. Check out my website: http://www.kathysart.com

Hey, I Was Only Kidding!: Crossing The Line In Miami

Writen by D.C. Copeland

Recently a stand-up comic was working the crowd at a Miami comedy club. An out-of-towner traveling the comedy club circuit, he was clueless about the community, but always did his best to make his comedy locally relevent by digging through a town’s newspaper for inspiration. He found a story about the Atlanta branch of the FAA restricting the new half-billion-dollar Carnival Center for the Performing Arts from lighting up the night skies with a permanent searchlight– included at considerable expense in the design– because it might interfere with pilots landing at MIA. This rankled many Miamians because it seemed the FAA was also consistently stopping them from having really tall buildings which many of them took as signs of a manifested example of large scale penis envy by Atlanta civic boosters. This was something the stand-up comic couldn’t pass up and decided to use it in his routine that night. That joke would lead in to a riff on Castro who, a couple of days earlier, was reported in full-width front page headlines to be on his death bed. Those rumors were enough to get Cubans parading up and down Calle Ocho, the main drag through Little Havana. After introducing himself and telling his audience that he had just flown into Miami, he began his routine. The parentheticals are mine:

Is it a joke or what when the FAA restricts your new muy expensive performing arts center from popping its beacon on and lighting up the night sky because it might interfere with pilots landing at MIA? Hell, if anything, it ought to help them find it.

“I lost Miami!”

“Follow the light!”

“It’s too bright! I can’t see!”

“What? You didn’t bring your aviator sunglasses? And you call yourself a pilot?”

(Uncontrolled laughter)

Geesh, I tell you, if I was paranoid, I’d think the Atlanta branch of the FAA which makes up these cockamamied rules has got it in for us. They’re even telling us we can’t build buildings as big as we want to. The nerve of them. Last time I checked this was America– except for certain parts of Miami.

(Uneasy laughter)

Hey, I’m only kidding. Lighten up. Where’s a translator when you need one?

(Someone heckles the comic in Spanish. He doesn’t know Spanish but senses he may have crossed the line. He tugs at his necktie and begins to sweat under the spot lights. He quickly whips out his emergency back-up line)

I just heard Castro died!

(Uncontrolled cheering and shouts of joy)

Yeah, the first parade is scheduled right after this set.

(With the exception of a few tourists and a scattering of “Gringos,” the room suddenly emptied itself as the audience rushed out onto Calle Ocho to begin another round of marching up and down the street and waving small Cuban flags which, the comic was surprised to learn, they always carried with them for exactly this kind of moment.)