Archive for December, 2008

why is royale family funny

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Why is Royale Family Funny

Writen by Richard Pettinger

A recent BBC programme asked several celebrities why they liked so much the hit comedy “The Royal Family”. These are some of the reasons why it is such a popular programme.

Firstly we can identify with the characters. Everybody knows a Darren, a Lazy Father who complains about wasting electricity. Even if not wholly we can also see part of ourselves in the characters. It is like a mirror comedy. It is funny because it is an exaggerated sense of reality but at the same time very close to the actual experience.

Because of the way it is filmed there seems to be nothing artificial, it is like watching a real family. There is no attempt to develop gags or create jokes. It is just funny seeing real life. The Royale Family is quite comfortable with periods of silence; this is quite rare in a tv programme. This adds to the realism of the programme making it appear more realistic when elements of genuine comedy appear.

Every character has their particular flaw and we can laugh as they act exactly as we expect. A great example is Denise, perhaps the laziest mother she is so often criticising others, especially her younger brother for being lazy. It seems ironic that she is criticising others. Here we are perhaps laughing at her.

Despite the endless backbiting and arguments there is a sense that this is a functioning family with real love. This displays itself at certain times and in particular episodes. Even Jim who at times appears to hate Nanna offers most generous and sincere words when she passes away.

The programme deals with criminality in a way that is rarely seen on TV. There is a casual acceptance of soft crime. For example there is an episode where Darren is asked how many times he has been to a young offenders institute.

“3 times.” “and has this taught you anything Darren?”

“Yeah”

“And whats that Darren?” “Don’t get caught” (general laughter)

One of the strongest characters is Jim Royle most of the time he is quite grumpy. He can get very worked up about seemingly insignificant things. He is also the archetypal tight northener.

Denise (on Jim’s birthday cake) - “Come on Dad! Blow it out!”

Jim - “I will buggery! There’s five minutes left in that - save on the lecky.”

Jim gets so worked up it is very funny. But his character is not just about being miserable and grumpy with numerous bad habits. Quite often we see him scratching in places a real member of the Royal Family would never do in public.. Occasionally we see glimpses of his comedy talent and musical capacities. He can also display touches of genuine emotion, this is particularly touching because it appears so out of character.

Life in the Royal Family often revolves around the TV; we see a marvellous episode where the family get really excited about an edition of Antiques Roadshow. This seems unexpected because it is perhaps not a programme you would expect the Royle family to view. Another episode I like is when Anthony’s girlfriend comes to visit and tries to explain she’s a vegetarian. “O, so its ok to eat chicken then?” - no I don’t eat chicken. What about a bit of tuna? - no its ok thanks

Richard is an economics teacher in Oxford and is a meditation student of Sri Chinmoy Richard has collected many funny quotes and has a blog about the best funny videos.

mama evans

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Mama Evans

Writen by David Ben-Ariel

Erma Evans, a widow in the Church of God, served as a perfect example of what the Apostle Paul called for from our senior women (Titus 2:3). She touched the lives of many and was affectionally called “Mama Evans” by the young fellows of the Worldwide Church of God in Toledo, Ohio: Church singles whom she graciously would have over for a home-cooked meal every month.

Mrs. Evans knew all about southern hospitality since she was originally from Mud Creek, Kentucky. She would offer the meal, after we prayed, and would often then fall asleep on her couch, practically purring like a kitty, content as we fellowshipped and played board games or cards.

The following is a letter from “Mama Evans” that she sent me when I was living in Israel (August 1989), getting ready to begin a work-study program at Kibbutz Sdot Yam near Caesarea. It reveals a little more of this precious woman God blessed us with:

Dear David:

Just a few lines to say hello and that I miss you very much and get a thrill of thankfulness and joy when I can speak of having a son in Israel.

This must be a dream come true. All my life I have dreamed of going to all the far off places. I think I was born a wanderlust child.

Any place even as a little girl that I read or heard about it just filled me with desire to get up and go. Even today I feel the same way.

My Dad must have been the same way because his books of which he had many were about places all over the world.

He would talk to me even when I was 5 yrs. old about the far corners of the earth even China, but I never got any farther than Toledo.

But in the world tomorrow I hope to be able to flit from place to place. When I looked at the picture I could picture Christ walking on the shores of Galilee.

I pray for His Coming to rescue the world. It can’t be too soon for me.

Everyone who knows you misses you. You are a special kind of guy. A little rebellious with a head full of dreams mixed with knowledge, There can’t be another like you. I have a feeling you are very special to God.

Take care honey and don’t forget all that you know of God’s Truth. Bye for now.
Love you,
Mom Evans

This letter shows how loving Mama was… She was always gentle but firm if necessary, but you never doubted she always had your best interests at heart. She used to say “a little love goes a long way, ” “they need love the most who deserve it the least” and “tears purify the soul.”

I was pleased to write this poem for her one Sabbath day (on the spur of the moment, wanting to help let her know how much we loved and appreciated her), and gave it to her at our Church services before I left, getting a big hug and kiss in return:

Mama Evans

Her warmth and love is known both far & wide
Her wonderful smile illuminates lives
Her sweet laughter uplifts many hearts
Helping both young & old she knows is her part
Giving hugs & kisses, making many meals
Veritable love feasts from a woman sincere
GOD BLESS OUR ERMA we need her so dear
Keep her close to your Kingdom
Help her bring You near.

Mama Evans, 89, died October 29, 1998. We know she rests in peace and awaits the First Resurrection. Meanwhile, Mama lives on and shines through the eyes of those who remember her and have tales to tell of her from the heart.

David Ben-Ariel, a Christian-Zionist writer and author of Beyond Babylon: Europe’s Rise and Fall, shares a special focus on the Middle East, reflected in hard-hitting articles that help others improve their understanding of that troubled region. Check out Beyond Babylon.

removing the mist that dims the intellect of mortals fieldings education of readers in tom jones

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Removing the Mist that Dims the Intellect of Mortals: Fielding’s Education of Readers in Tom Jones

Writen by Mary Arnold

In his dedication to George Lyttelton, Henry Fielding states one of his purposes in writing Tom Jones is to indicate that “virtue and innocence” cannot be “injured” but through “indiscretion” (Fielding 5). He then expands on this idea by relating that only through indiscretion do people fall into the “snares that deceit and villainy spread for them” (Fielding 5). How, then, can we reconcile Fielding’s deceptive narrator to his aforementioned intention? In contrast to Samuel Richardson’s didactic methods, Fielding prefers to teach his readers through the use of irony and satire; in his own words, to “laugh mankind out of their favorite follies and vices” (Fielding 6). To achieve his ends, Fielding “sometimes work[s] through parody, irony, and wit, tricking and shocking his readers, dissimulating and feigning” (Johnson 12). Fielding’s prefatory chapters, while being witty and highly entertaining, nonetheless are didactic in design and integral to his overall design of the narrative. Fielding does not intend just to amuse his readers, but to educate them also.

Before Fielding can persuade his readers to embrace his philosophy of living properly, he must first convince us that he possesses the authority and knowledge to assert that his philosophy is the ‘best’ or ‘true’ way of living. By claiming narrative authority and instructing readers how to ‘judge’ his history, Fielding is manipulating us into then accepting his moral philosophy. This essay will examine how Fielding’s didactic prefatory chapters complement the overall design of Tom Jones.

He uses his prefatory chapters in three ways: (1) to assert his authority as narrator, (2) to instruct on how to judge his narrative, and (3) to teach us the proper mode of conduct. The division of these prefatory chapters into the three aforementioned categories is not to imply they have no connection to each other or the narrative proper. They are “indeed an integral and organically functional part of the novel” (Bliss 237). Whether being instructed on his style, or how to be a ’sagacious’ reader, or on our value system, Fielding’s rhetoric maneuvers readers into identifying with his “value universe…which is located in and around the concept of mutuality or empathy” (Bliss 238).

Bibliography

Bliss, Michael. “Fielding’s Bill of Fare in Tom Jones.” ELH 30.3 (1963): 236-43.

Fielding, Henry. Tom Jones. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1996.

Johnson, Maurice. Fielding’s Art of Fiction. Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1961.

Mary Arnold holds a B.A. in literature and history. She is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ which is a site for Writers.

Her writing portfolio may be viewed at http://www.Writing.com/authors/ja77521

a maiden trip

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

A Maiden Trip

Writen by V Ramasamy

I belong to a hamlet called ‘Konthai’ which is in South Tamil Nadu, India. Twenty years back I was there as an unemployed graduate hunting for a job. Among the competitive examination the one conducted by the Staff Selection Commission for the non-gazetted posts was popular as it was the only mass civilian recruitment by the Central Government. Even petty shops one can find the application form. So as a annual ritual, I used to appear for the examination but never bothered about the results.

One day to my surprise, I got a letter from Defence Ministry with a posting in Delhi (Capital of India). The moment I saw the letter, I felt that as if I were on the top of the world. My joy knew no bounds. Without knowing my handicaps ( I was knowing either Hindi or spoken English), I decided to accept the offer. All my relatives and friends expressed their apprehension about my ability to manage in Delhi due to its erratic weather condition as well as language problem. But the very though of ‘getting a job’ made me to push aside all the other things to the back seat.

The day when I boarded Grant Trunk Express at Madras Central Station, almost all my relatives and friends wee there to see me off as if I were going for a ‘bon voyage’. I also became nervous after seeing the hub of activities that were going there at the Central Station as it was my first visit to that place.

After arriving at Delhi, when I went through its wide roads, beautiful lawns, parks, sprawling bungalows, high rise buildings, I though that I am really luckn enough to get a job in a beautiful city. Next day when I went to join my office, I got a first jolt and exposed to the stark reality. First time I felt that I landed in a totally alien land and considered myself as a ‘foreigner’.

I was completely startled to see such a situation where everyone was talking in Hindi, cracking jokes in Hindi, exchanging greetings in Hindi. When they were talking about me I was not knowing whether they were appreciating me or abusing me. Somehow, I managed to join my duty by signing the required forms that were given to me. From that moment onwards I started working as a ‘Robot’ doing my work without communicating to anybody.

After having seen my trouble, my colleagues started speaking to me in English. Even office peons after having seen my agony tried their best to convey their feelings to me in a broken English. So in office I had managed somehow to pull on, but outside I still struggled a lot to manage without Hindi.

Once I told my friend that I am finding it difficult to board DTC bus, as the conductor asks too many questions which I don’t understand. To reduce my problem little bit, my friend advised me that whenever you board a DTC bus ask the conductor a ticket by tendering the exact coins. So the conductor would give the ticket and would not ask any questions. According to his advice, when I boarded a DTC bus asked the conductor a ticket by tendering the exact fare. But to my shock, the conductor asked me ‘Kahan Jana Hai? Since I was not prepared for the question I started blinking. But fortunately one of my fellow passenger who happened to be a Tamilian came to my rescue and saved me from embarrassment.

After so many years of service, having exposed to Delhi’s climate, life style & language when I walk back the memory land - I really feel the difference me.

Today, almost 2000 kms away from my home district in South Tamil Nadu - I really feel at home.

V. Ramasamy

the greatest man afloat

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

The Greatest Man Afloat

Writen by Donaldson Collins

Will you remember the famous men
Who had to fall to rise again
Pick yourself up
Take a deep breath
Dust yourself off
And start all over again.

Jerome Kern 1936

When C.S. Forrester published the first of his novels about the life and times of Horatio Hornblower in 1937, he virtually created a new genre. ‘The Happy Return’ (’Beat to Quarters’ in the U.S.) was an instant success and was later made into a film starring Gregory Peck and James Robertson Justice (1951). Forrester wrote eleven novels and five short stories about Horatio Hornblower R.N., charting his career from midshipman and lieutenant to Admiral of the Fleet and Lord. He was a successful writer quite apart from the Hornblower series and several of his stories have been made into films; ‘The Gun’, set in Spain at the time of the Peninsular war and starring an unlikely Frank Sinatra and Cary Grant, and a very likely Sophia Loren; ‘The African Queen’ with Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn; ‘Brown on Resolution’ and ‘Payment Deferred’.

Forrester’s first brush with Hollywood was in the ‘thirties when he went there to work on a pirate film under the name Arthur Hornbow. Unfortunately, before he finished the script another studio released ‘Captain Blood’, starring Errol Flynn, and using the same historical incidents he had counted on, so the film was abandoned. At the start of Word War Two Forrester persuaded the British government to let him go to America to write propaganda (news, film, short stories and novels), to help with the war effort. For the rest of his working life he lived in Berkeley, California. He became partly crippled in 1943. Altogether he wrote thirty-five novels, two plays, five biographies, three children’s books and some history. He died in 1966 at the age of 67.

There is no doubt that what he is best remembered for is the ‘Hornblower’ series. There are now several good authors writing naval stories set in the Napoleonic Wars; Alexander Kent, Dudley Pope and Patrick O’Brian, but Forrester was the first, unless you include ‘Mr Midshipman Easy’ by Captain Marryat, written in 1836. Marryat served as a midshipman under Thomas Cochrane, of whom more later.

Forrester gives Hornblower a subtle and complex character; self-doubting and yet outwardly decisive, humane and a loner, a believer in authority with a progressive outlook. In all the stories the historical references are accurate and the period naval detail is convincing. Towards the end of the 18th century and the start of the 19th, the time in which these stories are set, warships had become beautiful, incredibly complex and deadly floating castles. HMS Victory, Nelson’s flagship at Trafalgar (commissioned in 1776, it is the oldest warship still in service, and is permanently docked at Portsmouth, Hampshire) was over 200 feet tall from the waterline to the top of the main-mast and mounted 104 guns on three decks. The top deck carried 12 pounders, the middle deck 24 pounders and the massive 32 pounders were mounted on the lower deck. A ship of the line like this would have needed a high degree of seamanship and skill from the officers and men and in particular the captain.

Unlike the real Horatio Nelson, the exploits of the fictitious Horatio Hornblower do not take place in the great set-piece sea battles of the time. Hornblower’s success is usually due to his use of a clever ruse or unexpected stratagem. Forrester has him sent off on lone missions and desperate adventures involving finesse and diplomacy as well as courage and seamanship, as he deals with island governors and presidents of small South American republics etc.

Great adventure stories, as long as you suspend your disbelief. The kind of devices used in these stories would never actually work. Being the captain of a warship, even in those romantic times would have been more prosaic than Forrester makes it out to be. Anyway, that’s what I thought until I came across the source of Forrester’s creation - the real Hornblower.

Thomas Cochrane, son of the 9th Earl of Dundonald, was born in Lanarkshire, Scotland. As a child he was fictitiously listed as serving in the Royal Navy ship commanded by his uncle, Sir Alexander Cochrane, but actually signed up in 1793 at the comparatively late age of eighteen to HMS Hind. He made rapid progress in the next seven years, in spite of being court-martialled for disrespect to a senior officer. His impulsive nature and candour would eventually lead him into real trouble with the establishment.

In 1800 he found himself in command of the sloop ‘Speedy’. During his time with this vessel he accounted for more than fifty enemy ships in the Mediterranean. Napoleon called him “le Loup de Mer” (the Sea Wolf). In 1801, with his tiny 14 gun sloop he captured the 32 gun Spanish frigate ‘El Gamo’.'El Gamo’ had been sent by the Spanish to capture and destroy Cochrane and the ‘Speedy’. A month earlier the Spanish frigate had very nearly achieved her objective when she lured ‘Speedy’ into hailing distance and suddenly opened her gun ports.

Since Cochrane’s sloop was massively out-gunned he had to think fast to avoid disaster. He had the Danish flag hoisted, and strutted about wearing a Danish uniform and gabbling away in ‘Danish’. When the Spanish sent an officer across in a boat he was informed that the ‘Danish’ ship had just come from the plague-ridden Barbary Coast of North Africa and if they wanted to stay healthy they had better keep their distance. And so the two ships parted company. About a month later ‘Speedy’ came across ‘El Gamo’ again, off the coast of Barcelona, and Cochrane decided to take her as a prize.

There was a 45 minute fire-fight in which ‘Speedy’ lost three men killed and five wounded. Cochrane then ran the two ships together and led a boarding party onto ‘El Gamo’. This was the last thing the Spanish expected since ‘El Gamo’ carried a crew of 319 men, compared to ‘Speedy’s’ 50. In the thick of the fighting Cochrane hailed his own ship and ordered another 50 men to be sent over. In fact he only had 3 men left on board but the Spanish were convinced that British re-inforcements were about to overwhelm them and soon surrendered. As a result of this action Cochrane was promoted to Post Captain.The story of Cochrane and HMS Speedy formed a large part of the plot of Patrick O’Brian’s novel ‘Master and Commander’, which was recently made into a film starring Russell Crowe.

After leaving ‘Speedy’ Cochrane served in ‘HMS Pallas’ and later ‘HMS Imperieuse’, wracking up a fortune in prize money for himself and his crew. In 1809 he led the hazardous fire-ship attack on the French fleet in the Aix Roads near Rochefort. The mission was a success and most of the French ships were driven hard on the shore, but Cochrane felt he could have destroyed the fleet completely, and perhaps shortened the war if he had received proper backing from the British commander-in-chief Lord Gambier. Gambier was court-martialled as a result of Cochrane’s criticism, but was acquitted.

For some years Cochrane had somehow found the time to manage a political career in tandem with his navy activities. He had long been a campaigner for liberal reform both in the Navy and in Parliament, but now things started to go wrong. The same qualities that made this 6′2″ Scot, with his shock of red hair and his outspoken opinions such an excellent commander proved to be something of a liability in the rarefied atmosphere of Westminster. Lord Gambier was now his enemy and Cochrane’s criticism of the conduct of the war and his fight against corruption in the Navy made him some powerful establishment enemies.

These took their revenge when Cochrane was accused of taking part in a sensational stock exchange fraud, based on false rumours about the abdication of Napoleon Bonaparte. Nobody today believes that he had anything to do with the fraud; even at the time the general public, with whom he had always been popular, thought he was innocent, but in a travesty of a trial he was convicted and fined

lemons are sour relief is sweet

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Lemons are Sour, Relief is Sweet

Writen by Andy Alt

One annoyance I suffer is from people with the same disorders as myself. Sleeping hard the other night at two in the morning, I was awakened by my accursed telephone. It was my best friend, John Smith. He was crying and told me that he couldn’t sleep. I angrily replied, “Well… I can!” and hung up. After that call, I couldn’t sleep. I rang up John Smith but there was no answer.

Complaining about pains in various parts of one’s body is not a good way to start a conversation with me. John Doe, another friend of mine, said to me the other day, “My shoulders are so sore I can barely move my arms, and my feet really hurt.”

After a few seconds, I responded, “How do they feel now?”

“The same,” he answered with a questioning look on his face.

“Hmmm… I guess talking to me about it doesn’t help.” I tossed him a bottle of Tylenol. It was a large economy-size bottle, and knocked him unconscious. I didn’t mean for the bottle to strike his head, but to be honest, I didn’t really care how hard I threw it or where it landed. John had some relief from his pain, and I had discovered a method of causing Tylenol to be instantly effective. I considered the experience a successful therapy session.

Jane Smith, another friend of mine, was venting to me about her cable rates. I threw her remote control at her cable box, destroying both in an accident involving air and gravity. Then I calmly stated, “Problem solved. Now you can watch the same shitty channels as I get on my 9 inch television at home. Don’t forget to cancel your cable bill, else the senseless destruction of your electronic equipment will have been in vain.” Jane thanked me profusely and told me to get the hell out her house.

Jim Jones is an all right bloke, but his hands tend to shake all the time. He’s got anxiety, a little worse than mine. It can get to be pretty frustrating. I reassured Jim yesterday by telling him that anxiety is cool — it avoids the victim from having to spend his or her money on caffeinated soft drinks and illegal stimulants. He was grateful for the advice, and walked away without saying goodbye. It was one of those occasions where his hands shook so much he accidentally punched me in the face. I consider that a “thank-you” because I had forgotten my Tylenol that day and the force of his blow knocked me unconscious. I woke up on a street corner at two in the morning. I called John Smith for a ride home, but there was no answer.

Andy Alt
Mental Dimensions
http://mentaldimensions.blogspot.com/
A humor column for people who enjoy observational humor, political farce, comedy editorials, satire and spoof, along with an occasional dose of non humor

sleeping in the same bed

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Sleeping in the Same Bed

Writen by Manoj Jasra

Q: When in a relationship, why is it so difficult getting used to sleeping with someone in the same bed? Why do women find it necessary to cuddle so much?

A: You won’t believe this, but I recently became an expert on this subject.

For some reason women are always cold, it doesn’t matter if it’s + 35 outside and the humidity is causing you to periodically ring out your shirt or even if it’s -20 outside, but the heat is on so high that your monthly utility bills are rivaling the city of Edmonton.

A couple of my friends are trying out a new solution that probably won’t work. They have a timer system where the girl is allowed to cuddle for 2 minutes and 25 seconds every 3 hours. Reasonably intelligent idea, but the guy is forgetting that the 2 minutes every 3 hours will slowly turn to 15 minutes every hour.

The impossible thing for a guy is to try to roll away once the girl has fallen asleep on his arm. He can’t wake her up, because that would mean it’s cuddling time again. He can’t just let her sleep because he’s dying of heat exhaustion and has an important research project due the next morning. So the solution is for him to butter his arm before going to bed so that he can easily slide it away later on. Sure he’ll smell like Betty Crocker’s finest, but at least he won’t have to answer to his boss the next morning.

Manoj Jasra is a software developer in the search engine marketing business. He enjoys giving humerous advice about relationships based on his own experiences as well as others.

Also see his blog: http://www.relationshipsbymanoj.blogspot.com/

to see or not to see

Monday, December 29th, 2008

To See Or Not To See

Writen by Leslie Fieger

I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.

I enter the office to be greeted by the receptionist, “Can I help you?”

“I hope so.” I reply, “I’d like to have the doctor check my eyes and write me a prescription so I can get some new glasses.”

“He can’t see you today,” the receptionist tells me.

“Something wrong with his eyes?” I ask with a smile.

“Pardon me?”

“Why can’t he see me today? Does he have temporary blindness?”

“No, he is too busy to see you.”

“I’ve been really busy a couple of times in my life and I never noticed any difference in my sight.”

“What are you talking about?” she asks.

“Impaired vision.” I answer.

“Well, you are in the right place,” she says.

“But not the right time it appears,” I counter.

“Looks that way,” she affirms.

“Will he be able to see me tomorrow then?”

“No, he can’t see you tomorrow. He won’t be here.”

“I see.” I say.

“How about the day after tomorrow? He can see you then.” she asks.

“He can see into the future?”

“Is there something wrong with you?”

“Well, I am a little nearsighted,” I reply.

“Do you want an appointment to see the doctor or not?”

“Yes, I would.”

“What time?”

“How about now?”

“I think you also need to get your hearing tested,” she tells me. “I already told you that he can’t see you now. You need to have an appointment.”

“But I do have an appointment,” I tell her.

“What?”

“I am here for my 11 o’clock appointment.”

“You have an appointment for now?”

“Yes, that’s why I am here.”

“I don’t see you in my appointment book,” she tells me.

“The doctor can’t see me and you don’t see me. I feel like I am invisible.”

“Did you make an appointment?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Now, today at 11.”

“It is not in my book.”

“Most occurrences in life are not in your book.”

“Pardon me?”

“Do you have a lunch date for today in your appointment book?” I ask.

“What? No, I do not.”

“You see? That’s great. I’ll take you to lunch right after my appointment.”

“Ok. Ok. I give up,” she tells me, “No lunch date, but you can see the doctor next.”

“You’re sweet,” I tell her.

“You’re crazy,” she tells me.

My prescription ends up being unchanged since my last eye examination five years ago. The doctor can also see just fine. He wants to read my books.

© Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.

Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra’s DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com or http://www.LeslieFieger.com

Reprinting and republishing of these articles is granted only with the above credit included. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright.

from grannys journal wisdom and humor

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

From Granny’s Journal: Wisdom and Humor

Writen by Marge Holley

Over the years I have learned many bits and pieces of wisdom and knowledge. I wish to share this valuable experience. 1. Don’t eat cottage cheese or spinach for lunch unless you bring a toothbrush to work with you. The same goes for eating broccoli. 2. One advantage to old age is if you change your mind about giving an item to a relative and take it back, you are not an Indian giver; you are senile. “Forgive Granny. She is senile.” If you forget something, you have “old timers disease.” This can work against you, too. My daughter told me that I promised to watch her children one Saturday and I could not remember but didn’t want to tell her that. Later, thinking back, I was sure that I didn’t make that promise.

When children are little they think mom and dad know everything. Then when they become teenagers, they know everything and mom and dad don’t know much. When the youngsters turn twenty, all of a sudden the parents get smart again. The offspring actually start being nice to you and hold conversations with you and acknowledge your existence. There is a reason. I just figured it out. It is not because they are no longer difficult teens. It is because you are the only one old enough to buy beer.

Puzzle: I water, fertilize and mow my lawn. It is brown and dead. Green grass is growing in my gravel driveway where we drive over it all the time. Maybe I should just park on my lawn and water my driveway.

Granny Marge has been writing all her life and just published her second humor book, Granny’s Journal. She has a column in the local paper, The West End News, called “Excerpts from Granny’s Journal.” Her first book is “Have I Ever Told You How Much I Hate People? Written by Two Little Old Ladies With No Friends.” Marge is the library director in a small town in the Northwest. She has five children and fourteen grandchildren. She belongs to the West End Misfits Writer’s Group. She was born in Los Angeles in 1944 and went to school in Alhambra. when she grows up she wants to be….

nuts gears amp beers

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

Nuts, Gears & Beers

Writen by Leslie Fieger

Definition #1:

- A pinion is the edible nut of a pine tree.

- O pinion is a nutty perspective held by a person (unless it is your own opinion, of course). The more opinions that get expressed, the nuttier the flavor of a conversation becomes.

- A belief is an opinion masquerading as assumed fact in order to disguise its nutty origin.

Definition #2:

- A pinion is a toothed wheel, often also called a gear.

- O pinion is a small, toothed wheel in the gearbox of someone’s mind. The wheels turn round, the teeth interacting with other gears. Occasionally, these o-pinions will pop out of the gearbox. The more opinions pop out (are expressed), the less functional the gearbox becomes and it soon spins out of control or jams up entirely.

- A belief is an o-pinion that has no teeth. It just spins around and around without being able to interface with the other gears in the mind.

Definition #3:

O’Pinion is an Irish nut. It is used to add color and flavor to Guinness. The more Guinness you drink, the more you are inclined to express opinions.

There are over 2 dozen different styles of beer in the world. However, all these styles fall within two types, Ales and Lagers. These two types are different because of the two different kinds of yeast used in the fermentation process.

Ales

Ales are “top fermenting” beers. They are made with a top fermenting yeast called Saccharomyces cerevisiae. This yeast clings together in large clumps near the surface during fermentation. Ale yeast works best at higher temperatures and, as a consequence, works more quickly to convert sugars into alcohol, but does not convert all the sugars and leaves a sweetness in the beer. Ales are more cloudy with flavors that tend to be louder than Lagers and that change, even improve, with warmer temperatures. As your Ale warms up in your glass it gets more bolder tasting. Darker ales are even more flavorful.

Lagers

Lagers are “bottom fermenting” beers. They are made with a bottom fermenting yeast called Saccharomyces uvarum. This kind of yeast does not clump together and therefore sinks to the bottom during fermentation. This Lager yeast works best at low temperatures and slowly ferments more sugars into alcohol. So while Ale yeast actually converts sugar faster, Lager yeast converts more sugar over the longer fermentation. Therefore, Lagers tend to be clean, crisp and less sweet than Ales. Darker lagers are more malty tasting than light lagers, but both share a common crispness. Lagers are usually served very cold and the flavor typically will not improve with increasing temperature.

Drink your lagers cold. Your ales should be drunk only slightly cool. Of course, that’s only my opinion.

Yeasts, by the way, are single celled fungi. Yes, relatives of the Amanita (the magic mushroom) and ergot (the rye fungus that produces LSD).

Ingesting yeasts/fungi tends to affect one’s perspective of the world and thus, one’s opinions.

Some day, I will write a book on the subject and call it, “As a Man Drinketh”.

Articles are the sole copyright of Leslie Fieger. Permission to reprint or republish does not wave any copyright. Leslie Fieger is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy, The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest and many other eBooks on success. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra’s DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. You can subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at http://www.prosperityparadigm.com and be sure to visit his website http://www.lesliefieger.com.