Dice Rolling Superstitions: So, Are You Feeling Lucky?

Writen by Brigid Skelton

Here is a collection of “Dice Advice” for your edification and amusement. Do with it what you will. No guarantees. Some of these ideas seemed to make sense to me for a while. But then some other completely contradictory instruction comes along and it too makes sense, in its own superstitious way. The whole thing is rather confusing. Read on and you’ll see what I mean.

What to wear:
Never thought about the best things to wear while gaming? Well don’t worry, you don’t have to get dressed up to have good luck. In fact, according to the traditional stories surrounding the game of Craps, “Dirt brings luck. Wear dirty clothes and you’ll be lucky.” (Hey, that explains that odd odour wafting out of my local game store the other day. There must have been a lot of REALLY lucky gamers in there!)

Where to sit:
Well, sitting on a handkerchief while gaming is supposed to be lucky. (Best not to combine this one with the “Dirt brings luck” concept… ewww.)

Sitting astride your chair is lucky too. (Tipping your chair back is not lucky however, especially when we were teenagers and anyone’s mother caught us doing it. Ouch.)

Storing Dice:
“Never leave a d20 sitting with the #1 facing up. It will get used to sitting that way, and roll 1’s more often.” The “scientific” excuse for this belief says that there is a “molecular drift” or “dice creep” due to gravity, causing the die to become bottom heavy. This would make more sense if dice were semi-liquid, but last time I checked all my dice were solid. Check yours now, just to be sure.

On the other hand, “If you leave a d20 sitting with the 20 facing up, it will get tired of being that way, and seldom roll any 20’s.” Hmmm. Besides, how can I tell which way all those dice jumbled up in my dicebag are sitting all week between games? Oh, such anxiety! I think I need a transparent dicebag!

Where to throw the dice:
Well, on the table is good… but not just any table. Highly polished tables are bad luck… something to do with mirrors reversing things, giving you the opposite of what you want I guess.

But having the dice roll off the table onto the floor is bad luck too. When playing Craps the next roll after that is sure to be a 7 (the least desirable number). Plus you might lose the die, a) in the cat’s dish, b) down the heating vent, c) amongst the collection of cheesies, chip crumbs and dust-bunnies under the gaming table. Any bad luck associated with the dice falling off the table can be remedied by having the “Dealer”, or the in our case the GM, pick up the errant die and give it back to you. Of course, some GM’s don’t like to come out from behind the screen for anything… so if you keep asking them to chase down your dice you just might find you luck gets a LOT worse all of a sudden “Why do all the monsters seem to be going after me tonight?! Oh, would you pick up my d6, again?”

What (not) to say:
Never say “You need anything but a 1″, because that jinxes the roll. This goes along with the idea that while playing Craps no-one is to mention the number 7. By mentioning undesirable numbers, you are summoning them. So, logically (if I may use that word in this context) calling out “Come on 20!” would be summoning a 20. Someone told me he always says “Hit! You bloody bastard!” while rolling to hit. (Apparently swigging beer before exclaiming this, is part of the charm.)

Blessings:
The Hackmaster Player’s Handbook has a great section in the back of the book on dice rituals et cetera. In it they outline a method of blessing a die by rubbing it on the signature of a famous gamer… complete with diagrams! Be sure to check it out.

Rubbing your dice on someone’s head is a way of blessing the dice. Apparently red-headed people are not good luck though. (I don’t understand this at all. Some of my best friends are redheads!)

Cleansing dice of bad luck is another method of blessing your dice. This can be done by burying them in salt, or washing them in cold water or mineral water. (Holy water might work extra well, but maybe not for evil characters.) Just don’t use alcohol to remove bad luck from your dice… it may remove the ink from the numbers too! Of course, cleansing dice when they have been performing well, would be counterproductive. You’ll only be washing away the good luck (and all that “lucky dirt”!).

A “friend of a friend” used to put his dice in his mouth and spit them onto the table, for good luck. No-one ever borrowed his dice. Another person, used to keep her dice down her bra. “Boobs bring luck!” she maintains.

Punishment:
“Bad dice! Go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done.” Uncooperative dice can be coaxed, cleansed, blessed or… punished for their bad deeds. Some folks will leave the offending dice at home when they go out to play: “House Arrest”. Some gamers will bring the dice to the game, but not let them out of the dice bag. The bad dice have to sit there listening to their other dice friends having fun and rolling merrily, while they sit in the dark. Other bad dice get out of the bag, but have to sit on the sidelines and WATCH the other dice frolicking around. (That’s really too cruel, I think. It reminds me of high school gym class, when I so often waited for the turn that never came. Sniffle. Sob. I’ll be okay in a minute.)

The worst things I’ve ever heard of people doing to poor unsuspecting dice are, a) putting them in the toilet (not flushing though), b) ejecting them into the atmosphere with a slingshot, and c) taking a blow torch to them. (This latter, as a dice lover, I regard as outright murder. “Someone call the cops, an innocent die is dying!” The dice, in this case, actually were innocent, and not “bad dice” at all. They were sacrificed to the gods of luck in order to bring good fortune to a newly created character.)

Testing Dice:
I’m not talking about Chi Squared tests here. That’s for another article.

I’m talking about testing the loyalty, balance and general luckiness of dice through such highly rigorous methods as “dice stacking”. During a lull in the game, stack up your dice on top of one another. If any fall off the stack they are obviously not very loyal to you, making you look foolish like that… so don’t use them any more that night.

If any fall off the stack and land on really good numbers, well, that’s different. Maybe they are going out of their way to prove how lucky they are, and you should give them another chance. Kindness counts, I figure. (I’m not the murderous type, as you know.) Call me soft, if you like, but I like my dice, and if I’m nice to them maybe theyll give me that natural 20 when I really need it!!

Thanks to Maddman, Rogan, Voz, Ashtal, Kyle, SolomonGrundy, Jangling Jack, Dr A, Bregh, LurkMonkey, Bagpuss, Keith, Rob, Jason, Kim, Cor, and Lawrence for input for this article.

Brigid Skelton is an illustrator and writer, and has helped to run the online store Advancing Hordes Dice and Miniatures at http://www.AdvancingHordes.com since 2003. Advancing Hordes specializes in unusual Polyhedral dice and fine miniatures from around the world. They carry dice with 3 to 100 sides, handmade dice, stone and metal dice in a myriad of shapes and sizes.

Better Red than Dead!

Writen by Fadwa Qasem

Red, perhaps the first color our eyes perceive.

It is said that people suffering from temporary color-blindness for whatever reason start to perceive red before they can discern any other color.

Red simply screams at us, demanding our attention. It may be the force of our collective human history, culture or genetics; we are dangerously attracted to this paradoxical, double-edged color which evokes an avalanche of emotions; Infra-red radiation produces a warm and pleasant healing effect; while the color red triggers aggression and violence. Red is the color of emotional outbursts, shyness, shame and anger all color our faces deep crimson. Red is blood, bravery, valor and courage. Ancient warriors painted their axes and spear-catapults red to endow their weapons with magic powers, a custom still followed by some Australian aborigines of today. Neolithic hunters and Germanic warriors even painted their bodies in the blood of slain animals, while Roman gladiators drank blood of their dying adversaries to take over their strength.

Red painted amulets or red gems, such as rubies or garnets, were used as charms against the evil eye and to bring about invincibility. Red bed-clothes were customary in Germany up to the Middle Ages as protection against “red illnesses”, such as fever, rashes or even miscarriages

Yet red is also the symbol of love and fidelity. Greek mythology tells us that red roses, dedicated to the Greek goddess of love Aphrodite, were born from Adonis’ blood when he was killed by a wild boar on a hunt. Red garlands and red scarves were part of wedding ceremonies in many cultures. Roman brides were wrapped in a fiery red veil, called the flammeum (Latin for flame-colored), supposedly warranting love and fertility. Greek, Albanian and Armenian brides wear red veils even today, and the Russian word for red (krassnyj) and beautiful (krassivyj) are curiously similar.

Red is also the color of lust, arguably the other face of love. Red is stimulating, appetizing and evokes erotic feelings. It is fire and passion; the sign of “fallen” women and the satisfaction of sexual yearnings which can be found in red light districts.

Red; drawing amazing images in our head. Danger, love, fidelity, lust, courage, ecstasy, protection and much more I’m sure. Images which seem contradictory yet are all somehow connected.

A magical color, sometimes red spells danger and sometimes red announces the mating season - perhaps not only in the animal kingdom (has anyone read The Naked Ape, by Desmond Morris?)

Fadwa Qasem
Designer Jewelry
www.fadwa.com

My specialty is chokers. My concept: painting with beads. With semiprecious stones, Venetian style, lamp, & faceted crystals/beads, I create limited edition pieces. After spending much time studying beads & bead history, I discovered that glass beads have an auspicious background just like diamonds, pearls, & semiprecious stones. Inspired by this & by many pleasures in life, I design individual chokers that each have a name, a character, a story.

The Lawrence Welk Code

Writen by David Holmes

They just don’t have quality programming on the television like they did when I was a kid. Take Lawrence Welk for instance. On the surface this melodic treasure appeared to carry a simple message, that is:

“And now friends, keep a song in your heart and have a wunnerful, wunnerful week. (loosely translated from a bad German accent, heard by an 8-year old in Alabama and written on this page 40 years later for the sake of this article, egads I hope I got it right).

What a nice message, and I did try to have a wunnerful, wunnerful, week. I still do. However, it wasn’t until way later, like now, that I realized there were other secret messages woven deep into the fabric of the Lawrence Welk show. (I like secret messages, they’re cool).

Just the other day I had that worn down feeling and then it hit me (like a ton of bricks)… “I HAVE IRON POOR BLOOD.” As any self-respecting Lawrence Welk viewer knows, the only cure for iron poor blood is none other than; GERITOL.

Remember those old commercials featuring an older guy with tons of energy bragging about his wife and all her accomplishments. “My Wife.. I think I’ll keep her.” Which, by the way was also Mary Chapin Carpenter’s inspiration for her hit song “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her.” (but, I digress)

I remember thinking, man, that Geritol stuff must be pretty good, you get energy when you’re old and you have a great marriage to boot. That’s a product I’ll use when I’m old.

Sounds like great advertising, right? Well, not so great because I haven’t yet used Geritol, but I do think about it. (And, thanks to Lawrence Welk this gives me something else to think about, pretty cool.)

Forget Geritol for a moment (but remember it in 40 years when you need it) and lets get back to very cool secret messages on the show.

Remember the Champagne Lady? What could this mean? I figure poor Norma Zimmer must have a snoot before every show, hence the name. But, let’s say for a moment her moniker had nothing to do with drinking (yeah, right). What else could it mean? Maybe she was really bubbly, or maybe if you put a raisin in her it would bounce up and down like it does in a glass of champagne (did you know that? Try it this New Year’s Eve). I’ve heard Norma Zimmer sing and as much as I like her, I wouldn’t consider her bubbly. So I just figured if you drank champagne you’ll get a really good singing voice. (That’s it, I cracked the code) It hasn’t worked yet, I still can’t sing, but I do drink a lot of Champagne.

Now, cast your mind back to the really, really shiny dance floor in front of the band members. There was a really cool “LW” written in script right in the middle. And, in case you missed it, the “LW” was written on every band member’s music stand. But, strangely, no one ever spoke of it. We were just supposed to notice it and apparently not speak of it (That’s kind of like subliminal messages, right?). I guess to the untrained eye the LW could mean “Lawrence Welk”, but no, that’s way too easy (and just throws us off from looking deeper, deeper into the real meaning).

What could it mean?

Lose Weight? No, or some diet pill would have sponsored the show.

Look Wunnerful? Definitely not! I saw those costumesNOT WUNNERFUL.

Likes Wine? Yes! That must be it, and it all makes sense now. You know, Champagne Lady, Likes Wine. That’s it! (Way to solve the Lawrence Welk Code, Batman).

All of this is just to prove that you don’t have to look at life on the surface, look for the hidden meanings, that’s where the true answers are (and maybe to enjoy Champagne a little more)..

Now, I think I’ll take(ah) Sominex(ah) and Sleep(ah), Sleep(ah), Sleep(ah).

Good Night!

Sir Kingsley Amis and the era of Lucky Jim

Writen by Stephen Colbourn

Kingsley Amis was a modern and popular writer who began his career as a radical and ended up fostering an image of curmudgeonly conservatism. He was knighted in 1990. Amis is remembered first and foremost for Lucky Jim (1954). The title became a byword in the 50s along with I’m all right Jack - a film starring Ian Carmichael who also played Jim Dixon in the film adaptation of Lucky Jim. A problem for modern readers is to grasp why the book was a hit at the time.

Post-war Britain was a very gray place, a world of rationing and earnest social policies. The 1944 Education Act allowed bright youngsters from lower-middle and working class backgrounds to attend university; and it was intended as a piece of social engineering to break down the old barriers of class and privilege and issue in a New Britain of fairness and equality after the most devastating war in history.

The underlying theme of Lucky Jim is that of a fish out of water. A working class boy has become a university lecturer and is trying to make sense of the whole academic business. What is the relationship between a knowledge of Latin and the works of Matthew Arnold and doing a job of work? Lucky Jim was not so lucky: he had come a long way from home and found himself with nowhere to go.

Labels attached to Amis were ‘Angry Young Man’ and member of ‘The Movement.’ The latter term was coined in 1954, by the Literary Editor of The Spectator, to encompass the new writers Kingsley Amis, Philip Larkin, D. J. Enright, John Wain, Elizabeth Jennings, and Robert Conquest. John Wain disowned the existence of any such movement in 1957.

Angry Young Men is a more enduring catch-phrase that relates to John Osborne’s play Look Back in Anger (1956); and twenty first century readers, who are unlikely to sit through a performance, are asked to take on trust that it was indeed electrifying in its day. Osborne, Amis, Colin Wilson, and Alan Sillitoe were all Angry Young Men.

What they were angry about was the slow pace of social change. They may have been educated as the prot

A Look At The Years of Celebrities Wearing Jewelry

Writen by Sher Matsen

As far back as one can remember famous celebrities have been wearing the jewelry made by famous jewelry designers. Through out many eras and many styles the celebrities and jewelry designers have held a close bond. Who better to display your beautiful pieces than a beautiful celebrity that has already captured the audiences attention.

Elizabeth Taylor will always be remembered for her glamorous and beautiful look. I cannot remember any time that I have seen Elizabeth without her jewels to adorn her.

This was a lady with a fashion style like no other. From gorgeous pearls adorning her face to beautiful diamonds adorning her neck. She knew how to make a fashion statement!

Ava Gardner was a woman with a glamorous fashion style that did not go unnoticed. Whether she choose to wear her best diamond earrings or her favorite Trifari necklace she always looked spectacular. There are many of us who could pick up a few tips from Ava’s flare!

Joan Crawfard and Joan Collins are another two that simply can’t be outdone. One must wonder how a women so easily learns to be that refined and beautiful at all times. Like Cleopatra it seems to be bred deep within the soul.

Let us not forget about royalty. Although not perhaps celebrities as we think of them still important figure heads that are within the public eye.

How about the gorgeous jewels of the Duchess of Windsor or Umbero II of Italy. Then there was Princess Mary of Great Britain who was seldom seen without her jewelry adornments.

To more modern times, what about that beautiful engagement ring that Camela Parker Bowls was seen wearing. An outstanding piece of jewelry on a women that quite commonly presents herself in a very traditional refined style. No glamour here except for that drop dead gorgeous ring!

Whether we are talking about Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Kate Winslet, Kate Hudson, or Katie Holmes celebrities give us the opportunity to see jewelry designs in play. They instantly help develop a desire for a certain jewelry piece or look.

We’ve got plenty we can learn from the styles of celebrities. And once these designer jewelry pieces grab hold it isn’t long before someone is making a similar piece that our pocket books can afford.

So keep watching the stars for great jewelry to make your fashion statement!

Sher from Estate Jewelry International has been serving customers for over 20 years, providing fashion, jewelry, and wedding help. So stop by and visit us at http://www.estatejewelryinternational.com/ We’ll help you make your fashion statement! Remember looking good doesn’t have to cost a fortune!

"The God Delusion" By Richard Dawkins; Philosophical Fiddling While Rome Burns

Writen by Tom Attea

While the world goes its self-destructive way - not entirely because humans differ in their beliefs about the nature of and existence or nonexistence of God - we have yet another book by a contemporary philosopher, riffling through the dusty bones of ancient arguments that can never be settled, because one opinion supported by inconclusive evidence can never disprove another opinion supported by inconclusive evidence.

The author, the widely known skeptic Richard Dawkins, chooses to take easy potshots at the traditional concept of God as presented in the Bible, the tribal tapestry of which contains threads that cannot, understandably enough, be neatly sorted out by logical analysis.

He also goes on to deal with the usual proofs presented by theologians for the existence of God - first trotted out by Thomas Aquinas in his Summa Theologica, the Aristotelian riff in which he famously argued backward from his forgone conclusions.

But now let’s skip to a few questions that actually matter.

Is the philosophical urgency of the day about the nature of, existence or non-existence of God? Can we, the grumbling creatures of finitude, even credibly analyze such enormous questions? Or are we left to sustain our beliefs, pro or con, with a leap to faith, the precipice remaining unspecified?

Now, let’s stop fooling around and ask the most consequential question. Does the peace of the world and our survival depend on resolving the ancient logical conundrums about the nature and existence of God?

It seems to us that even a country bumpkin sitting on his porch, noshing on a sprout of homegrown wheat, would realize that the far more urgent question is how the human race can be encouraged to develop sufficient reverence for the world as we behold it - and to know that it is through such reverence that we can save it from ourselves, as well as most logically worship whatever its ultimate source may be, whether or not that ever-wondrous hope is sitting on a proximate cloud, overseeing our doings, or has long since departed to play planetary billiards in another universe.

Of course, there are intriguing subsidiary questions. What if the ultimate source of all we behold, finite but really quite fastastic, decided we ought to have enough intelligence to conduct our own lives, without constant supervision, as if we were deficient children?

Oh, my, don’t tell us we’re expected to function like responsible adults, while we let questions about God be answered as only silence amid the gifts and pangs of everyday life may answer them!

What? We’re free to do as we like? Well, then, let’s like what we do.

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Science in Gulliver’s Travels, Part Two

Writen by Mary Arnold

While in Lagado, Gulliver investigates the grand Academy of Projectors and describes many of their current investigations, which seem pointless and useless for the benefit of mankind.

The first project in Swift’s satire is that of “extracting Sun-beams out of Cucumbers” which had been worked on for eight years at the Academy (Swift 171). The scientist working on this project stated the purpose of it as being “to supply the Governors Gardens with Sun-shine at a reasonable Rate” (Swift 171). Here Swift describes scientific studies that are undertaken to improve on something that has no necessity of being improved. In this case, it is ridiculous to try to improvise sunshine because the sun is readily available to all. This satire may have been based on the “recent investigations of John Hales into the action of sunlight in promoting the respiration of plants” (Turner 334).

Next Gulliver encounters a projector who had been working on the same study since he had come to the Academy many years ago. His experiment was:

an Operation to reduce human Excrement to its original Food, by separating the several Parts, removing the Tincture which it receives from the Gall, making the Odour exhale, and scumming off the Saliva (Swift 172).

This project shows the futility of scientific experiments that will have no useful benefit for mankind, because no matter what he does to restore the excrement to its original form no one is going to want to consume it. This project satirizes scientists’ tendencies to expend large amounts of time, money, and energy on investigations which are useless and even largely ridiculous.

The physical description of the two aforementioned scientists satirizes how scientists are neglectful of their appearance and personal hygiene. The first projector is a man of “meagre aspect” with “sooty hands and face” (Swift 171). His hair and beard are worn long and are “ragged and singed in several places” (Swift 171). The second scientist is described as the:

most ancient Student of the Academy. His Face and Beard were of a pale yellow; his Hands and Clothes dawbed over with Filth (Swift 171-72).

Swift attempts to show that scientists, being so immersed in their studies, neglect their outward appearance, which makes them an object of ridicule in polite society.

Swift also satirizes scientists for undertaking projects that they claim will improve upon current practices when there is nothing wrong with the present system. One of these projects described is that of an architect who asserts humans should follow the practices of bees and spiders in building houses “by beginning at the Roof and working downwards to the Foundation” (Swift 172). While this works well for bees and spiders, it is plainly ridiculous for humans to do so.

Other projects that Gulliver encounters include using hogs to plow and fertilize farmland, instead of the traditional method of cattle and man made plows. This new method of plowing does not make the system any better, but rather “the Charge and Trouble” was found to be “very great” (Swift 172). Furthermore, this method produced “little or no Crop” (Swift 172). Nonetheless, the scientists refuse to give up their project as fruitless, and continue working on the invention.

Another projector counsels Gulliver that using spiders’ webs for thread instead of silkworms is infinitely much better. He maintains that by feeding the spiders with flies of different colors their webs would be of many different colors, which would save people from having to dye the silk. This is another instance of trying to replace a current way of doing things in which there is nothing wrong with the present system. Swift’s attitudes concerning science and scientists become explicit in his descriptions of the experiments of the “universal artist” (Swift 175).

The Artist himself was at that Time busy upon two great designs:

The first, to sow Land with Chaff, wherein he affirmed the true seminal Virtue to be contained, as he demonstrated by several Experiments which I was not skilful enough to comprehend. The other was, by a certain Composition of Gums, Minerals, and Vegetables outwardly applied, to prevent the Growth of Wool upon two young Lambs; and he hoped in a reasonable Time to propagate the Breed of naked Sheep all over the Kingdom (Swift 175).

Sowing land with chaff is “the traditional images for wasted labor” (Turner 336). This reveals Swift’s belief that most of the work of scientists is only so much wasted labor. The experiments of trying to breed naked sheep delineate Swift’s belief that studying animals is useless for mankind; how would sheep with no wool benefit people?

After Gulliver visits the scientists working on utilitarian projects, he goes to see some of the inventions classified under speculative sciences. The first invention he investigates is a “Frame” that is designed to improve “speculative knowledge by practical and mechanical Operations” (Swift 175). This Frame consists of all the words in the English language written on pieces of paper which were then pasted onto bits of wood. By turning a handle, the words shifted around as the bits of wood were moved. By using this Frame, the scientist claimed that “the most ignorant person” could “write Books in Philosophy, Poetry, Politicks, Law, Mathematicks and Theology, without the least Assistance from Genius or Study” (Swift 176). In this passage, Swift is satirizing people’s desire to gain knowledge through artificial means instead of reading and studying for the attainment of knowledge.

Another instance of attaining knowledge by artificial means is seen in the project of teaching mathematics to students by writing the information on a “thin Wafer with Ink composed of a Cephalick Tincture” (Swift 178). The students were required to swallow these wafers “upon a fasting stomach and for three Days following eat nothing but Bread and Water” (Swift 178). This was supposed to work by as the wafer would be digested, the “Tincture mounted to his brain” carrying the information with it (Swift 178). This project was unsuccessful due to the “perverseness” of the students who refused to adhere to the scientist’s instructions regarding fasting.

In the School of Languages, Gulliver finds projectors who are endeavoring to make the English language more efficient. The methods proposed are: (1) to “shorten discourse by cutting Polysyllables into one, and leaving out Verbs and Participles”; and (2) to abolish all words altogether. In this last method, people would communicate with physical objects which they would “carry about” with them to “express the particular Business they are to discourse on” (Swift 177).

This proposal was not very successful with the women and the “Vulgar and Illiterate” who demanded to be able to “speak with their Tongues, after the Manner of their Forefathers” (Swift 177). Nonetheless, many of the “Learned and Wise” accepted the use of this method of communication. Swift shows the ludicrousness of this method by describing the inconveniences of it:

I have often beheld two of those Sages almost sinking under the Weight of their Packs, like Pedlars among us; who when they met in the Streets would lay down their Loads, open their Sacks, and hold Conversation for an Hour together; then put up their Implements, help each other to resume their Burthens, and take their Leave (Swift 178).

This passage demonstrates how some projects are not only useless to mankind, but detrimental also. Such a scenario as this would cause unnecessary physical strain, which would lead to many serious health problems.

In the School of political projectors, Swift has Gulliver denounce what Swift himself is in favor of; namely that monarchs choose people to fill posts based upon their “Wisdom, Capacity, and Virtue” (Swift 179). The projectors also propose that “Ministers consult the publick Good” and that people should be rewarded based upon “Merit, great Abilities, and eminent Services” (Swift 179). Gulliver takes the opposite side and calls these scientists “unhappy people” who are “wholly out of their Senses” (Swift 179). While this practice of choosing people for employment and favors based upon merit would be useful for mankind, Swift shows (through Gulliver’s deprecation of it) how most people would not appreciate this being put into practice since most do not achieve their posts due to their merit.

Perhaps the most useless project described in Gulliver’s Travels is that of “discovering Plots and Conspiracies against the Government” (Swift 182). The projector claims that by examining the excrement of a person minutely, one would be able to “form a Judgment of their Thoughts and Designs” (Swift 182).

Gulliver informs the projector of his own country’s manner of discovering plots, which are equally ludicrous:

It is first agreed and settled among them, what suspected Persons Shall be accused of a Plot: Then effectual Care is taken to secure All their Letters and other Papers, and put the Owners in Chains. These Papers are delivered to a Set of Artists very dextrous [sic] in Finding out the mysterious Meanings of Words, Syllables, and Letters. For instance, they can decypher a Close-stool to signify A Privy-Council; a Flock of Geese, a Senate; a lame Dog, an Invader; The Plague, a standing Army, a Buzard…(Swift 183).

In this passage, Swift satirizes people’s ability to twist words and phrases into meaning whatever they wish them to mean, disregarding the obvious meaning of the words and phrases contained in the letters and other papers of suspected insurgents.

Thus in the voyage to Laputa, Swift gives his view of science and scientists. He satirizes their absentmindedness, their detachment from humanity, their disregard for studying mankind, and their lack of social graces. Swift views much of scientific studies as a waste of time, money, and energy in that it does little to benefit mankind. This view of Swift’s is expressed through his satires of scientific projects.

Bibliography

Swift, Jonathan. Gulliver’s Travels. Ed. Paul Turner. New York: Oxford University Press, 1998.

Turner, Paul. “Introduction and Footnotes.” Gulliver’s Travels. By Jonathan Swift. Ed. Paul Turner. New York: Oxford University Press, 1998. ix-xxvi, 289-371.

Mary Arnold is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ which is a site for Writers.

Her writing portfolio may be viewed at http://www.Writing.com/authors/ja77521

Airport Delays

Writen by Josh Greenberger

The time you spend at an airport could cut days off your vacation.

This is the time of year when many people interrupt their busy lives to get away from it all. Some call it a vacation. Others call it “ten days at the airport.” The airlines don’t care what you call it as long as you’re literate enough to understand the meaning of the two most important words in the English language — “delayed” and “cancelled.” In fact, these two words are more important than learning how to use a life jacket. Because the odds of going down in a plane these days are very slim, due to the fact that the odds of going up in one in the first place is practically nil. But not fully comprehending these two words can mean spending days at an airport, literally not knowing whether you’re coming or going.

The inefficiency of some airlines brings a very disturbing thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon been dependent on this mode of transportation, there’s a good chance Florida would have been discovered by Cuban “boat people.” Americans, as a result, would have been deprived of an abundance of robust sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome orange juice. And god knows how Don Johnson’s career would’ve gotten started.

To say that planes seldom take off on time is like saying chickens seldom ride bicycles. And when the former does happen, it’s almost as amazing as the latter. Spending eight frustrating hours in an airline terminal building drinking coffee, reading newspapers, and catnapping as you wait to board a plane, makes you wonder whether the advertisement, “Come, fly with us,” really means, “Come, stay with us.”

You finally board a plane, and, “Fly our friendly skies,” begins to sound more like, “Taxi our friendly runways” - an hour later you’re still on the ground. And you’re sure the pilot must be breaking in either the tires or the runway. Your only hope is that the airline isn’t breaking in the pilot.

That long-awaited moment — takeoff — finally arrives as a total shock. It’s the last thing you expect. You wonder, is it really happening, or are you in a flight simulator? You order a meal, and, sure enough, it confirms your trip’s unquestionable reality - although flights can be simulated, no technology on earth is advanced enough to artificially recreate a malnourished tuna fish sandwich and a small, skinny pickle on the side which look as “good” as the originals. This is the real thing alright!

You sit back. You relax. And the worst is over.

Not quite.

Only a short while into the flight, the pilot comes on the PA system: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.” (It’s a good thing pilots always precede their announcements with this phrase. Otherwise, passengers might think it’s Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a K-Mart special.) The pilot announces that due to a “minor miscalculation” the plane will be making a “small” detour through El Paso, Texas. You quickly take out your calculator and try to figure out how a plane on a two and a half hour, non-stop flight from New York to Florida can make a “small” detour through El Paso, Texas. Your only answer is that the pilot must be an aspiring astronaut - by astronomical standards, the star Alpha Centauri, about four light-years away, can still be considered a “small detour” from the sun. So three thousand miles off course is certainly a “minor miscalculation.” You suddenly feel lucky to still be inside the solar system.

In an effort to calm some of the irate passengers, the pilot adds that the stopover will be “short.” Now you go into a panic. Does he mean “short” like in “small” and “minor?” That could be a major problem — the lease on your apartment runs out in a few short months. You try explaining to the stewardess that you can’t afford “short” stopovers — you tied your dog down to a pole at Kennedy airport, not expecting to be gone for too long. You get the typical response, “Am I flying the plane?” I usually respond, “Well neither is the pilot — how about letting me take a shot at it?”

Naturally, the “short” stopover turns into another long, airport coffee interlude. You now rack up enough cups to become an honorary citizen of Brazil, and wind up with enough caffeine in your system to revive a comatose patient just by breathing in his direction. Then comes the good news: sleeping on your suitcase at an El Paso airport is a lot safer than sleeping inside a vault in some New York neighborhoods. That’s really great news. Next time you’ll bring along your safe deposit box.

You eventually take off again. This time you know your plane is headed in the right direction because the pilot is using a new navigational method — he’s following a flock of migrating Hummingbirds. The reasoning behind this is very simple: you never see a flock of Hummingbirds stranded inside a terminal building. Conclusion: they must know where they’re going.

You land in Florida, kiss the ground, quickly run over to the luggage carousel, and have horrifying visions about kissing your suitcase good-by. The suitcase situation is like a mystical experience - you spend a fortune on a suitcase with all sorts of locks and zippers so that not even Houdini could get in, then you need a psychic to find it. And this is what makes or breaks a vacation. Ultimately, you’ll find two kinds of people in a vacation resort: those who are having a good time, and those who’ve lost their suitcases at the airport. Yet, people never learn. There are precautions you can take to greatly reduce the chances of a lost-suitcase catastrophe. When flying to Florida, for instance, always ship your luggage to Okinawa. This covers you from two angles. First, your luggage is highly unlikely to ever arrive in Okinawa, and therefore has a better chance of arriving in Florida than if you had sent it to Florida to begin with. Then, in the unlikely event that your luggage does arrive in Okinawa, you must remember that for you, as a passenger on a domestic flight, to wind up in Okinawa is not all that improbable. So, no matter what happens, there’s a good chance you’ll have what to wear.

Josh Greenberger: A computer consultant for over two decades, the author has developed software for such organizations as NASA’s Goddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the author’s literary works have appeared in such periodicals as The New York Post, The Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, and others. His articles have ranged from humor to scientific to topical events. Visit his site: shopndrop.com

Trivial Pursuit: In Search Of Amusing Historic Events

Writen by Pamela Beers

I love trivia. While reading various books on various subjects over varying periods of time, I always come across some interesting tidbits of informationtrivial food for thought, all of which make me wonder things such as, how, what, when, where, why, and what if.

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