Teacher Arrested in Marijuana Muffin Related Case

Writen by W.P. Mann

No one in Dallas expected two graduating seniors to be arrested for serving marijuana laced brownies to the Lake Highlands High School teacher staff. So it comes as quite a shock to report that one of the teachers poisoned by the THC containing brownies, has recently been arrested for possession of cannabis.

Seymour Smith, a Physical Education teacher at Lake Highlands High School was arrested Wednesday in the High School’s parking lot while eating what local Police described as marijuana tainted meatloaf. An attorney for Mr. Smith read a statement he had prepared while waiting in jail.

The statement read in part:

“Since that day I was introduced to marijuana by those two punks from that Catholic High School, I have been unable to control my appetite for comfort foods baked with marijuana. These foodsin addition to marijuana meatloaf–include Mary Jane macaroni and cheese, hydroponic potato pancakes, and tuna casserole with weed. As a consequence of the aforementioned dastardly prank, I can no longer eat regular food unless it is baked with cannabis. Unless I am cured, I fear that my addiction will worsen and that I will experiment with more recipessuch as pot pot-pies and baked baked Alaskans, and of course hashish hash browns.”

Mr. Smith’s Attorney confirmed that a lawsuit against the teens is pending. The attorney also added that Mr. Smith may consider dropping charges providing the teens give him, “the recipe for those delicious marijuana bran-muffins.”

The World’s First Comedian?

Writen by Rix Quinn

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must be sincerely old. That’s because he appeared around 400 B.C., and back then the videos were pretty bad.

This amazing Greek dramatist knew how to communicate through comedy. Like present-day humorists, much of his work focused on current events or politicians.

What can we learn from this ancient wordsmith?

1. Humor can be a great teaching device. One of his early plays - “The Clouds” - talks about an old man trying to solve problems by enrolling in a “thinking school.”

2. Repetition - Aristophanes reinforced the main points of his plays by repeating major themes, often in verse.

3. Rhythm and song - These found their way into the author’s works as a helpful memory device. In fact, you might call Aristophanes “the great-great grandfather of musical comedy.”

4. Fantasy - In his play “The Frogs” Aristophanes tells about a trip to Hades to bring the author Euripides back to earth.

5. Offbeat comedy - Some critics claim a few of his comedies were intentionally silly. In some, a character from the play would step forward to address the audience. This person may have been one of the earliest “stand-up comics.”

6. Segmentation - A few critics say that Aristophanes’ writing skipped from one subject to another, and often seemed disconnected. Others, however, saw that this ancient author knew how to change subjects easily - and create powerful scenes - by weaving a single theme throughout each presentation.

Rix Quinn writes the nationally syndicated weekly humor feature “Poor Rix’s Almanac.” His book “Words That Stick” is available from your local bookstore, or http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/

There is no Wizard - How Epic Fantasy Fails Us

Writen by Will Kalif

Epic fantasy is not escapist literature just to be read for fun. It is a serious form of literature that tackles the big questions in a characters life (hence the epic). And in this way it helps us understand ourselves and helps us look at the big questions in our own lives. But epic fantasy uses one particular tool to help the hero find his way through the darkness of his challenges; and this tool doesn’t exist for us and this is where epic fantasy fails.

It’s Not the Dragons or the Fantasy Worlds

The fact that there are dragons or supernatural beasts in epic fantasy does not detract from the relevance of the story. This is an apt metaphor because we all face beasts and dragons in our lives. And it isn’t the fantasy worlds replete with strange settings, languages and creatures because if you take a step back and look at the world we live in you can see that it too is populated with strange setting, languages and creatures.

The Steps Every Hero Must Take

Joseph Campbell described the steps a hero must undertake in his work The Hero With A Thousand Faces and these steps have remained unchanged throughout centuries of epic fantasy writing.

If you are unfamiliar with the work of Joseph Campbell you will still recognize the steps that a hero goes through. The first step is the call to action where an average young man is called upon to take upon himself a quest. The second step is the refusal of this call. The young man can’t believe that this is something that he has to do so he balks. “I can’t do this. I am just an ordinary person.” Of course he soon recants this and takes up the challenge, and he moves forward through more of the required steps. These steps are very recognizable as the standard format for epic fantasy and you can even see them in many movies.

All of these steps that a hero goes through are very relevant to us as human beings except for one.

At some point early in his journey the hero of our epic fantasy meets with a mentor who has a deeper understanding of the world and of the challenges that our hero will soon face. This mentor is most often a wizard possessing unusual powers and abilities and he imparts his wisdom on our young hero and uses his magic to clear a path for him. But this is where epic fantasy takes a turn away from the reality that we experience. In our world there is no all-knowing wizard. Everyone on this big blue globe is just as clueless as everyone else and we are all just stumbling around in a cave looking at shadows on the wall. This is where epic fantasy fails. There is no all-knowing wizard to guide us through this epic we are all living.

Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards: Some Recipients Swam In Champagne

Writen by Tom Attea

A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne - and good stuff, too.

Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA.

Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following:

A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry.

An escape route from the rising waters to a vacation in the Dominican Republic.

Salvation from a divorce lawyer by paying off a $1,000 legal bill.

Drying out at a strip club, where the recuperative process required $600.

Recuperation with $400 of “adult erotica products.”

The auditors concluded that such purchases were “not necessary to satisfy legitimate disaster needs.”

Greg Kutz, a GAO forensic auditor, said one “fraudster” way up in West Virginia received a rental assistance check by using the address of a cemetery in New Orleans.

Another application, employing a vacant lot as an address, found favor in FEMA for a payment of $2,358 in rental assistance.

The relief organization also paid $8,000 and then $5,000 more, in a double-dip into rental assistance, to help a long-suffering recipient survive at a resort hotel in Honolulu.

The GAO also found that FEMA lost track of 750 debit cards, worth a total of $1.5 million.

As a result of the debit-card debacle, FEMA itself has been scheduled to receive federal disaster relief.

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

Sometimes Life Just Ain’t Funny

Writen by Tim Knox

There’s an old southern saying that goes, “Don’t like the weather? Just hang around a few minutes. It’ll change.”

Anyone who’s spent much time in Alabama can relate to that one. It’s not uncommon to wake up to a blue sky filled with brilliant sunshine and white puffy clouds, then go to bed that evening with the wind and rain beating against your window. Alabama weather is about as predictable as watching The Jerry Springer Show. You know something’s going to happen, you’re just not sure what it will be.

Given the unpredictability of Alabama weather, I sometimes wonder why television stations bother employing weathermen at all. Oh sure, they razzle-dazzle us with their color radars and storm trackers and incoherent weather-speak, and when the weather is popping we can count on them to keep us well-informed, but on an average day you could get just as accurate a forecast by calling the Psychic Hotline.

I’ve got an eighty-year-old aunt who predicts the weather with what she calls her “magic bunion.” To be honest, the magic bunion is not as easy to look at as color radar (it’s actually pretty disgusting), but it’s usually right on the money when it comes to predicting rain or drought (it throbs when it’s going to rain and itches when it’s not). Okay, it’s not a perfect science, but the magic bunion would never interrupt your favorite show just to tell you it’s raining in Tokyo, as many TV weathermen would.

Most television stations seem to think that, when it comes to predicting the weather, a magic bunion just isn’t enough. They all have a meteorologist or two on staff, though they rarely speak of meteors, and enough weather gizmos and gadgets to make Mr. Wizard green with Doppler envy. Some stations have taken things to the next level by reporting the weather from outside of all places. It makes sense, I guess, since that’s where the majority of weather occurs. And it’s sure to cut down on the number of missed forecasts since all they have to do is look up. It’s hard to predict sunshine when rain is falling on your head.

While I make light of TV weathermen and their toys, I do take the weather very seriously. North Alabama is my home. It’s also the place my grampa often called, “the ass end of tornado alley.” In modern weather-speak, that means that North Alabama is historically prone to weather patterns that could (and often do) spawn dangerous storms and tornadoes. Most North Alabamians have either lived through such a storm themselves or know someone who has.

Myself, included.

April 7, 1974: a night when dozens of tornadoes ripped through North Alabama, causing much damage and loss of life. I remember sitting on the back porch of my Limestone County home with my old man, watching a spindly tornado pass by just a few miles to the north. What were we doing outside in such a storm, propped up on milk crates like two yokels waiting on a bus to take them to the big city? You’d have to know my old man to appreciate the answer to that one. You see, he was one of those men who would rather stand outside and face a storm head-on than get caught hiding from it in a bathtub. At the time, I thought it was pretty cool, sitting out there with him in the rain, watching the butts of his cigarettes float off the edge of the porch. It was the ultimate father and son bonding ritual: two brave souls valiantly facing Mother Nature and all that. Looking back now, I can see that we were not heroes. We were just a couple of idiots who were too stupid to be scared.

Last week, Alabama was faced once again with an onslaught of killer storms much like those that hit in 1974. During the storm that passed over my house, it rained harder than I’ve ever seen it rain before. Powerful gusts of wind blew my plastic porch furniture down the street and the night sky was alive with heavy thunder and brilliant flashes of lightning. My TV weather buddies told me that a severe thunderstorm was headed my way and they encouraged me to seek shelter. Hmm, maybe they weren’t such bad guys to have around, after all.

My wife and daughters were snugly bedded down in the bathtub. Heavy blankets, candles, a battery-powered radio, a box of Ding-Dongs and a jug of Kool Ade were close by. My wife, in her infinite wisdom, wanted to be prepared for a power outage or a sudden case of the munchies.

And where was I during this potentially deadly storm? For the most part, I was sitting on the toilet singing Barney songs with my girls. But there was a moment when I stepped out onto the front porch to face the oncoming unknown. I stared up into the black sky and waited for a flash of lightning to illuminate the clouds, to reveal what was hiding up there. After a minute, I decided there was nothing to see. I turned to go inside, but not before stealing one last look at the storm.

I briefly thought of my old man.

I wondered if he was doing the same.

Coolest Woman on The Planet: Five Simple Steps

Writen by Jan Verhoeff

I got an email today from Brad Callen. Whether you know who he is or not - doesn’t really matter; name-dropping isn’t my style. I’ve got better things to do. His email was about creating a new image, making that image sell, and promoting the image over the Internet. The purpose being to create a brand, market the brand, and promote it to sufficiency. His Brand “Coolest Guy on the Planet” works. If you look it up online, it’s being promoted left and right with new contendants vying for the title.

Finding a title, promoting it, and building it to effective acceptance world wide isn’t difficult with the Internet and current publication rates. It wasn’t a far reach to figure out the next step and create the coolest woman on the planet image At the top of the heap looking out past the rest of the world and wondering why anyone would really want to sit there looking at bad hair partings - seems the place everyone wants to be?

Now - to be honest Brad’s anti-thesis to the world is managing to top all the search engine optimizers and acquire a title, while self-proclaiming his fame. Earning his right to that title was as simple as making his site first on the Search Engine when you search for “Wall Tapestries” - plop right there he is, top of the heap, looking out on bad hair partings. I suppose it’s one step further up than delving into low hanging britches, but who really cares? When he points out that his ranking is also first for “Coolest guy on the planet” my piddly brain went to work and said, “Folks who make that search will make one more and I can determine the results of their search. Because ultimately - my purpose is to create Dynamic Content for the Internet while making a few bucks a day, sharing great wisdom, insights, and attributes - all through the production of great content online.”

So, while Brad Callen may well be the coolest guy on the planet, he’s got the wrong body parts to fill the other side of that coin. Coolest Woman on the Internet must be female. Other titles, earned through the effectiveness of brand formation and development are available; what’s your title goal? What label do you want to wear?

In Five simple steps, here’s how the brand gets started:

1. Proclaimed the title with an irresistible smile.
2. Determined to match wits with the coolest guy on the planet.
3. Wrote this article and posted it to http://www.ezinearticles.com.
4. Developed a message worthy of being read - with valuable insight to personal branding and marketing
5. Sent out an email and a few messages on some favorite sites inviting folks to view the “Coolest Woman on the Planet” with a link to blogs promoting the plan.

And that’s how it all happened.

Your mission is quite clear. You’ve read the article, probably laughed your way through it - it is rather silly to think anyone could presume such a title and have any credibility at all. Branding is a promotional ideology of marketing. Now, you’ll just have to visit the link and see if you agree? I believe it works - http://janverhoeffonline.blogspot.com

Razor Burned

Writen by Ian McCarthy

It should have been a simple task. Just go to the drugstore and buy a razor. Not even one of those highly complex computerized electric razors you need an advanced degree in electrical engineering to operate, just a plain old manual model with which I could joyfully hack away at my face. It was not to be.

Now, I’m a simple guy. I try to abide by the aptly named ‘Occam’s razor’ principle of science, which basically says that the simpler things are, the better. Now I find myself wondering just how many blades Occam’s razor had.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the evolution of manual razors seems to be roughly following the same path as home stereo equipment. In the fifties, you had a razor with just one blade, just as you had a transistor radio with that one tinny-sounding speaker. Then came the invention of stereo, and the two bladed razor was born. Two speakers and a subwoofer, three blades. Quadrophonic sound, four blades. Now we are up to Dolby 5.1 surround sound and a razor with an incredible five blades on one side and one on the other. That’s right, there are now so many blades on your razor that they can’t even fit them all on the same side.

Where will it end? Is there a theoretical limit on the number of blades one razor can support? I, for one, believe that we are very close to the blade event horizon. Critical mass has almost been reached. It used to be that I would occasionally give myself a slight nick while shaving. One false move now and I’ll be getting tips from Michael Jackson on which nose to buy.

Perhaps the razor companies just don’t understand the concept. Maybe someone needs to tell them that we are just trying to take the hair off of our faces, not make julienne potatoes for a society luncheon while we shower. It’s only a matter of time before someone comes out with a razor that has one blade for every hair follicle on your face, so you can shave with just one stroke and then spend the rest of the morning trying to find your lips.

No more, I say. It’s time to release myself from the tyranny of blades. This morning I gave myself a clean , comfortable shave without using any blades at all.

Now I just need a new string for my weed whacker.

Jerry - Are You Crazy

Writen by Jerry Aragon

* My favorite movie(s); 1) One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest; 2) Dr. Strangelove

* My favorite snack; koo-koos

* My favorite golfer; Curtis Strange

* My favorite website; crazyfads.com

* My favorite song(s); Crazy (Patsy Cline); A Room Without Windows

* My favorite tool; nutcracker

* My favorite magazine; Psychology Today

* My favorite television series: Crazy Like a Fox

* My favorite gadget; cuckoo clock

* My favorite Comedian; Weird Al Yankovich

* My favorite combination plate (dining); “crack”/”pot”

* My favorite radio station; KRZY - country (Albuquerque, N.M.)

* My favorite dessert; nut cake

* My favorite directory; Crazy Town Directory

* My favorite tree; walnut

* My favorite cartoon(s); Looney-Tunes

* My favorite newscaster; Jason Stiff (KOAT/Albuquerque, N.M.)

* My favorite Native American; Crazy Horse

* My favorite band; The Grateful Dead

* My favorite fence: chain-link with razor on the top

* My favorite glue; Crazy glue

* My favorite farm; the Funny Farm

* My favorite section of the newspaper; the Obituaries

* My favorite mental institution; Belleview

* My favorite saying: “not playing with a full deck…”

* My favorite medical people; psychologists/psychiatrists

I thought to myself, “Boy, this list is scary!” M-m-m-m speaking of psychologists and psychiatrists, I wonder if I should make an appointment and go in to see my shrink. N-a-a-a-a-h…she already knows I’m crazy…and, besides, I don’t want to make her any crazier than she already is!

I think everyone has a little “crazy” in them. What would this society be like with all “normal” people running around…whatever “normal” is! We would all look like a bunch of penguins lumbering up the ice burg, etc. I’ve been in the humor business most of my life, and it’s fun to see all the “crazy” and “insane” things we all do!

Trivia Questions

Writen by Deanna Mascle

YOUR TRIVIA QUESTION:

Everyone knows that leprechauns are Irish fairies, but do you know how to track one down?

A. Follow the rainbow
B. Follow the yellow brick road
C. Follow the sound of his shoemaker’s hammer
D. Follow the trail of Lucky Charms

YOUR TRIVIA ANSWER:

C. Follow the sound of his shoemaker’s hammer

TT: A leprechaun looks like a very small, old man (about 2 feet tall). According to legend, leprechauns are aloof and unfriendly, live alone, and pass the time making shoesthey also possess a hidden pot of gold. If caught, he can be forced (with the threat of bodily violence) to reveal the whereabouts of his treasure, but the captor must keep their eyes on him. If the captor’s eyes leave the leprechaun (and he often tricks them into looking away), he vanishes and all hopes of finding the treasure are lost.

YOUR TRIVIA QUESTION:

One zoological group oversees the management of three zoos-the Melbourne Zoological Gardens, Victoria’s Open Range Zoo, and the Sir Colin MacKenzie Zoological Park. Where is this group located?

A. Great Britain
B. Grand Cayman
C. Australia
D. Indonesia

YOUR TRIVIA ANSWER:

C. Australia

TT: It is the Zoological Board of Victoria which manages the Melbourne Zoological Gardens, the Werribee Zoological Park (known as Victoria’s Open Range Zoo at Werribee), and the Sir Colin MacKenzie Zoological Park (Healesville Sanctuary). All the zoos are located in Victoria, Australia.

YOUR TRIVIA QUESTION:

Why did founder John McConnell choose March 21 as Earth Day?

A. March Vernal Equinox
B. His birthday
C. It was the only date free at the party house
D. March needed more holidays

YOUR TRIVIA ANSWER:

A. March Vernal Equinox

TT: He though using the first day of Spring in the Northern Hemisphere to be a good date to celebrate the earth.

YOUR TRIVIA QUESTION:

How many native peoples originally settled Alaska?

A. Six
B. Four
C. One
D. None

YOUR TRIVIA ANSWER:

A. Six

TT: Three peoples, the Tlingit, Haida, and Tsimshian, occupied the Alaskan coast south of Prince William Sound. Unlike the coastal Natives with their plentiful resources, the speakers of the Athapaskan languages lived in the demanding arctic and subarctic lands at the northern edge of the continent. Eskimo culture developed in western Alaska. The Aleut adapted superbly to life in the difficult environment of the Aleutian Islands.

Canada has more lakes and inland waters than any other country. What percentage of the world’s lakes can be found in Canada?

YOUR TRIVIA QUESTION:

Canada has more lakes and inland waters than any other country. What percentage of the world’s lakes can be found in Canada?

A. Less than 10 percent
B. About 25 percent
C. More than 50 percent
D. About 75 percent

YOUR TRIVIA ANSWER:

C. More than 50 percent

TT: How many people went conservative? Canada contains more than half of the world’s lakes.

BuddhismIt’s about the Socks

Writen by Rodney Robbins

Buddhist socks aren’t anything special. They don’t have a Compassionate Buddha pattern woven into the fabric or a Laughing Buddha printed on the front like a chubby Spider Man. No. Buddhist socks are regular socks with a Buddhist inside them. I found out I was wearing Buddhist socks this morning. Here’s how it happened.

Something sharp was poking my left heal. If you’ve ever been hiking, you know what a “hot spot” feels like: it’s painfully sharp and hot. If not attended to, a hot spot soon becomes a blister. I took off my left sneaker and sock and put a band-aid over the hot spot. But when I put my sock and sneaker back on, the hot spot had moved. So I checked my sock, and sure enough, I found a little sliver of wood in the fabric. I have no idea how the sliver got there, but I took it out, put my sock and shoe back on and suddenly, my foot felt great!

The pain in my foot is suffering, any kind of suffering. I turned the wheel of life the first time when I had enough awareness to notice my pain. I turned the wheel again because I knew from experience that happy feet are possible. I turned the wheel a little more when I tried to understand my suffering and added a band-aid. As often happens, I didn’t understand my suffering completely and the pain continued. So, I turned the wheel again when I stopped walking, took off my shoe and sock a second time looked deeply into what could be the cause of my pain. The wheel turned automatically when I found the sliver. Removing the sliver was the final turning of the wheel, the solution to my pain, and the beginning of happy feet!

Now you know that understanding Buddhism is not difficult. All you need is a pair of socks, some shoes that pinch, maybe a little heartburn: something to practice with. I’m not saying that happy feet are all you need to reach Nirvana, but the path is the same.