Them Darned Commuters
Writen by Al McCartan
COMMUTERS WE’VE GOT ‘EM TOO
One of the nice things about living in Sydney, Australia, is the scenery; beaches, bushland, buildings, rivers, mountains, all captured from the window of a commuter bus or train, enjoyable whatever the mode of public travel persuasion.
For me, when I lived in Sydney - I’m a rural now - was catching the 8.25 from my station, Wollstonecraft, on Sydney’s North Shore to Parramatta, in Sydney’s West, a journey of about 30 minutes. This so I could earn my daily bread on a local newspaper.
As the crow flies, Parramatta is about 20 miles away from the Sydney CBD and no doubt a crow on its good day could do the journey in 10 minutes flat, now you’d think that this would be a mere doddle to drive to.
In my part of the state, Bathurst, a 20 miles trip is a mere zephyr.
Wollstonecraft to Parramatta just doesn’t somehow fit the analogy of soft breezes. It can take up to an hour of pure frustration, hair pulling, and road rage to cover those 20 miles. For me, no way, I’ll train it thanks. The State Transit Authority has improved in latter years and now we have some quite passable trains. Oh yes! We’ll have our knockers and my fellow media brethren and ’sisthren’ go to great pains in having a go at the system.
Whoops! I digress, I’m wanting to talk with you about a typical journey to and from Destinationville and the good folk I share my journey with - The Commuters.
I Know You Want to Look At Me, but
I’ll pretend not to. What a wonderful game is “peek-a-boo” A shy glance from the top of a magazine, a return glance and a double- quick look away. Hello! I know you’re looking at me, ‘cos I’m looking at you too.
Now this does not happen to me - I promise you that. Only to others. Yet, when a drop-dead gorgeous gal and her male equivalent share the same car, some sparks are going to flitter across the seats. Gee isn’t love grand. You know and I know that this is all a good bit of boy-girl harmless fun and innocent flirtation from the peepers never hurt a soul providing it’s unsaid and mutual.
That’s the nice part. There are however, the othersiders. The Optical Undressers. Regrettably this is a male problem. Man in his natural state is always the hunter, be it for food or female conquest and it is the latter that is problematic.
It works thus. A lovely young lady alights. She sits. Pairs of eyes from the male commuters size her up. She is focused elsewhere. Mostly, the guys having spied the lass and approved go back to talking about their football or other conquests and all is normal. Yet! There are the few who keep on glancing at the young lady and by this time she’s feeling a tad on the uncomfortable side. Hopefully, the next station is her get off point. A savvy lady uses the next station to get off and seek the sanctity of another carriage. Good move lady.
Then There Are
Hey! Listen to my music. I don’t give a figgy fog whether or not you want to hear it. I’m playing it anyway. You all know who I mean. The guy with the extra-loud IPod or equivalent.
Strange as it may seem. I’ve never yet heard Brahms, Liszt or Henry Mancini played at double decibel, it’s always the raunchiest, loudest radio station or rockiest CD that blares through the system into the listener’s ear and ultimately out to us. Now guys, I’m not having a shot at your genre of music. Heaven’s to Murgatroyd, I enjoy Dido and Celine and Amity, Delta and yes, even Britney and Justin and grew up on Led Zeppelin and David Bowie.
. That’s okay. They play music, what gets my dander are these commuters must turn down the music content and give out with the the boom, boom, boom of the bass. Twenty minutes of that and I’m a gibbering wreck - sorry didn’t hear you, my head’s still ringing.
There’s an old - yes old, adage in the radio industry that announcers in later life have hearing problems. That’s because of consistently listening to everything through headsets. Today I despair, loud isn’t enough. Anyone who can create a superlative for rocky loud is okay in my book. I begin to wonder if the practitioners of “Share my CD” to the same when they get into their own vehicles.
The Cell/Mobile Phone Menace.
The train is quiet - for a change - the crossword is being tackled by your truly, happy because the clues are easier today. Then! Ring, ring. Nope! Not your everyday Abba ring ring but a synthetic version of anyone of a number of pieces ranging from the classics to the pops. That’s okay, no problem, I admire the cell/mobile phone owner’s imagination in selecting a ring tone to suit the personality. It is what follows that blows my commuting crossword concentration out of the window.
It becomes a shouting match. ‘Specially when there are multiple phone conversations going on at once. One voice is trying to outshoot the other. Everyone knows what’s happening. “Who kissed whom . Has the contract been signed.? Where are we having dinner tonight? I’m calling to find out where you are. That’s from the callees Then there are the callers, normally sitting next to or near me who want everyone on the train to know that he/she’ll be late or on time or early or at the selected venue. I’m still in the dark as to why the voice level goes up a few degrees when on the ‘phone. Unfortunately, apart from the City Circle - inner Sydney, we don’t have too many tunnels in the Metro suburban system to break the calls - pity.
Hark Hark.
Oh boy! Here they come again. The panhandlers. Sydney Rail has its regulars who mooch from carriage to carriage, all with a different pitch. There’s the guy down on his luck who needs a few cents for a cuppa. The forlorn young thing (female) who’s been evicted from her apartment and has nowhere to go, but needs a dollar or to make a phone call to the welfare (she’ll nominate which one - they vary) agency who would put her and a mythical offspring up. Not to forget the young “Artful Dodger’s” 11-14 years who mooch at least 60 cents the cost of a half-fare bus ride, because they’ve lost their pass and need to get home. Truth be told, these kids and any of the above could buy out the bus company.
You Can’t Impress Me
I’ve been to Paris too. You know who I mean. The very first time world traveller, who probably scored his journey from a package tour company. The one’s who give you 20 minutes discourse on the Eiffel Tower within everyone’s earshot.
These are the exponents of the on- the- bus, off- the- bus, quick 10-minute tour of London and a very short five minutes check out of Rome’s St Peter’s or “So this is Paris, next stop please.” Beats me if they even get a loo-stop break,
Then home they trot, full of anecdotes about their trip, the differences between the Paris Metro and London Underground and in full voice extol the autobahns and autostradas and beer in Europe. . Who these guys are trying to impress is beyond my ken. Sorry chaps and girls - not impressed, I’ve been to Paris too.
The “In-Depth Gossip Reporter”
Well, they should have been. I know the goings on of all their family and acquaintances, their deep dark secrets, wedding, funeral, birthdays. Keeping a family album just ain’t enough; the whole of Sydney has to know. These are the guys who are in on everything and know a friend who knows a friend who cleaned for at least one of the Desperate Housewives.
Then There’s The
Bleeding Heart Hero/Heroine. Here they are, the long-suffering folk who enjoy spilling their problems to all and sundry. “Oh woe is me. I’ve scrubbed my fingers to the bone for my family, sat up all night with the family cat, cut up a telephone book for my daughter’s fancy dress prom, etc and all I get in return is.”
From the time they get on the train to their destination it’s clackety-clack, yakkity-yak with them as the star. What they haven’t gone through yet somehow they overcome. Whew! Another family crisis averted. Better than a TV soapie. . Makes a guy feel he should e-mail the Vatican and nominate these good folk for instant Sainthood.
Now compared to other world railway systems - we have it pretty darn good. Not too often have I had to travel in cars full of rubbish and I don’t mean papers, very rare indeed is the stale ambience of noisesome things. We do pretty nicely in Sydney Town. If it weren’t for them darn commuters, travelling would be heaven.
The Other Commuter’s POV.
“Hey! check out the nerdish looking bloke doin’ the crossword.
Al McCartan is a radio broadcaster and frustrated writer who lives in Bathurst, NSW, Australia with partner, Cheryl, 150 teddy bears and freeloading next door cats and birds by the ‘flight’. The other next door has since acquired a barking dog who does not let Al get a word in edgewise.
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